Enmeshment

[forgetmenot]

I understand this to be when two people become one. I am emeshed with my identical twin but more so with my daughter. I think this is because of something that happened to me in my past. I literally have panic attacks when my daughter isn't home for the night. I really can't breath.
How does one break such a tight connection. My twin and I have never really done this as well. I have this need to protect them both maybe this is why we emeshed in the first place.

 

[Yuray]

Re: Emeshment

All parents worry when a child isn't home.
Many parents would like nothing more than to be more enmeshed. Embrace it. There may be a different reason for your anxiety.

 

[HBas]

Dearest Mary,

You must also be very wary of not becoming a little over protective towards your daughter ...
My mom has become very dependant on me (since my divorce 3 years ago and I asked her to move in with me) but I have set boundaries which suits us both ... I understand that she loves me to death and only wants to protect me and she understands that I feel the same even though I NEED TO LIVE MY LIFE and have a bit of independance ... we both understand that life would be imposible for me if she dies and I am too dependant on her emotional support!

I have moved out in Jan and am starting to adapt (haha - she still fetches my son from school and feeds him and makes me food and washes my whites like only she can and I still take her for breakfast on Saturdays ....)

Keep it healthy for the both of you - being too dependant is not a good thing! I realized that I had panic attacks and only wanted my mom last year as soon as something started going wrong - As soon as the first person pointed it out I WAS SO ANGRY but sat down and gave it some thought!

Being Enmeshed can be very dangerous when one party starts to smother the other! There is an article that I recieved some time ago - I am going to search for it tonight and post it for you!

You have one of the best hearts I have ever come across and I know you are a beautiful person ... just so you know!

Take it easy,
HB

 

[forgetmenot]

Thanks Yuray and HBas my daughter is now 20 and i am trying very hard not to smother her. I have taken the role of her healer now. I got her back into painting and she paints beautiful pictures. I got her into swimming and exercising more. She is safe with me and she is becoming so much more stable. She is not anxious as much and her voices are going away now.
I just keep her safe. I give her meds on time so she stays well. I don't want to take away her drive to go back to college and follow her dreams just want to keep her safe.

 

[HBas]

AWESOME MARY!

The love you have for her is beautiful!

I can honestly say that my mom lead to my healing - my wanting to heal myself and that is why I can speak of freedom today ...

You know what she needs - I wish you only the best of the best because of your great love!

HB

 

[white page]

How does one break such a tight connection. My twin and I have never really done this as well. I have this need to protect them both maybe this is why we emeshed in the first place.

Hi Mary ,
This is certainly an issue to discuss with your therapist . He will help you to
step back a little , so that your daughter will be able to function with more autonomy , this is the best gift you can possibly give her . Trusting her more and more to make decisions for herself , give your selves time though , step by step .
best wishes wp

 

[forgetmenot]

Thanks White Page trust is the big issue here. My daughter doesn't have the capacity yet to think clearly so trust not yet. Everytime she leaves she gets herself ill but with me she stays safe.

 

[white page]

And one wonderful day, it will happen that she will stay well when not with you .
And we will all celebrate with you and your daughter .

If she can stay well with you , then she can stay well away from home , she just maybe needs a few more coping skills to do so , with a good therapist, one for each of you , this is certainly very possible .

 

[HBas]

Emotional Dependency: A Threat To Close Friendships - by Lori Thorkelson

Just nice to read

Ontly the best Mary!
HB

 

[white page]

Emotional Dependency: A Threat To Close Friendships - by Lori Thorkelson

Just nice to read

Ontly the best Mary!
HB

That is a very good article Hbas , thank you for the link .

Mary I hope the article Hbas has found for you , helps you some.

take care wp

 

[forgetmenot]

I took my daughter to her psychiatric appointment but let her go in on her own. I told her if she needed me she could call me in later. She dealt with the doctor on her own but forgot to ask about the form we needed. I went in only after the meeting was done to ask quickly for the form which he said he had not filled out yet do i will call him back later for this.
I think it is best she went in on her own and did her own talking. Your right i won't always be there to do her talking for her thanks mary.

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I understand your concern but i am not emotionally dependant on anyone not my daughter. I am keeping her safe that is it. When you see your daughter on a vent struggling for life not once but twice you would understand. I have tried to let her go tried to create space and she ended up trying suicide again. She will leave when she is ready and strong enough. I will never send her away again. It will have to be her chose. In that time i will need help with my anxiety issues but now she needs a safe place and it is with me. thanks mary

 

[white page]

This article may interest you Mary , there are some useful tips there .

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/relationships/16585-me-mother-you-daughter.html#post124118

 

[forgetmenot]

Thanks White page I know i will have to let her go. I will have to back off so she can make her own decisions and talk for herself. I know someday she will leave but today i need her and she needs me. I will try to make this seperation as smoothly as possible

 

[forgetmenot]

Thanks HB and Whitepage i read article but i am not dependent on anyone. I just want her to grow up and do what she wants to do. Get off drugs and alcohol stay well if it is without me great. I am at point where i just want to be left alone anyway I really don't have energy for anything anyone anymore and i just hope she finds her way as my sister is doing. i just need to find a way out of all this but i am just to tired to care anymore I really just want all this to end really Enmeshed no more with anyone on my own that is how it has to be thanks for article and advice but she can have all freedom she wants i am through mary

 

[Jazzey]

Hi Mary,

Enmeshment is unfortunately a little more complicated than just merely being 'dependent' on someone. I don't have a doubt in my mind that you want your daughter to grow up healthy - mentally and physically. And while you say that you don't have the energy right now for anyone but yourself, again, enmeshment is more complex than this.

Again, I'm not pointing any 'ugly fingers'. I do really understand on so many levels Mary.

So from a fellow enmeshed person to another - here' my insight for right now: It's a process Mary. And yes, the emotional fatigue is incredible. What you need right now, from the perspective of a non-professional, is to focus on what you need right now. What can you do right now, for you, to feel less tired? What can you do, for you, to move forward in your recovery without feeling those ties to other members in your family (whether it be your twin or your daughter)?

Here's my wish for my own mother - that she can find peace and happiness in her own life, that she can focus on her own dreams and friendships without feeling so attached to her children that their pain becomes hers...

Still here Mary - just try and think of what it is that you need right now...

 

[forgetmenot]

i don't know Jazzey i just want everyone to be well i want to go away Idon't see me winning its too hard. i am just so drained absolutely no energy inbed most day now. I don't know how you do it Jazzey i just want it to end. If it weren't for everyone else i would have resigned a long time ago. I have no will left i don't want tommorrow to come. For some its a day to celebrate to me it just a day to remind me how poor a mother i am. I can't go on this is not me. i have always been a fighter Jazzey but the fight has left me My daughter can do anything she wants. I have stepped away I give up i am that nothing noone again why i don't know but iam. I don't want or need anything or anyone I have failed her obviously or she would not have turned out this way. No more input No more failures She is better off on her own She doesn't need me she needs to get away from me I know you understand emeshment emotionally i am dead now i don't want to fight no more i want to sleep. i stay only because i know i can't do anything else i would never hurt anyone that way thanks Jazzey stay strong mary

 

[Jazzey]

First and foremost Mary, you've always been and remain a good mom. Knowledge and a willingness to grow will always make you a good mom.

I may not know you very well Mary, but from what I know, I do know that you love Heather will all of your heart. Being a good parent means being willing to grow with the knowledge of the times - if you know what I mean? - you've done that.

As for being tired, yes, I wholeheartedly understand. I'm tired too Mary. My mom, right now, is talking about a lot of things that I can't deal with - not feeling loved, how much of a bad daughter I've been in this last year - etc..Sometimes, it's easy to forget the reality of the situation - what's real and what isn't...

Mary - from everything that you've shared with us here, I'll say this: there is no doubt in my mind that you love Heather with all of your body and soul. Heather knows this - I promise. And you've made great strides in educating yourself here- kudos to you on that front. This is just no easy for any of us....Keep supporting Heather the way that you have. Just don't forget yourself in the process. The greatest gift you can give her, in the long haul, is to show her that you have a life that is independent, that you know how to take care of yourself. This doesn't mean that you don't love her- it just means that you love yourself too....:hug: :hug: (and yes, that's my wish for my mom too - that she takes care of herself, for herself and not for any of her children).

:heart:

 

[forgetmenot]

I know Jazzey i will. Take care of you too okay stay strong for you Jazzey. I just need to rest thats all tommorrow another day right. Just get some rest Jazzey I hope tommorrow is a happy one for you take care best wishes always mary

 

[Jazzey]

You too Mary - get some good solid rest for you...Heather will be ok. Just keep giving her the leeway to be ok on her own terms Mary.

...And since midnight is fast approaching - "Happy Mother's day"! :heart: :flowers:

Just keep doing the best you can Mary -you're doing a tremendous job and I'm proud of you :friends: