hi everyone
i wasnt here for a long time. i did not feel well at all. and it's just 5 days i am feeling better, after more than 3 months feeling awful and the last 3 weeks being suicidal.
finally i realized something important about my condition and when i started accepting that, i felt better.it is ESCAPISM. i think it is a part of having Avoidant Personality Disorder.
i have some abilities but i have not been able to work for a long period. i also cant study or even read books which i love so much. i have been always confused why i want these things so much but at the same time i cant do them.when i want to read a book that i love very much, even before opening the book i feel too anxious to bear that i just put it down and try to do something to decrease the awful anxiety which is usually overeating and watching rubbish TV programs and trying to get attention from my family or even men ,which is almost always a disaster because i ALSO have huge problems in relationships. then i feel more depressed and lonely and my self-esteem goes even lower than it was.
before those 3 nasty weeks, something big has been happening in my life and i was partly aware that i wanted to run away from the anxiety and pain it was creating for me. well, my psychoanalyst had told me it was time for me to be away from mum and become independent. i have a small flat in a small town half an hour from Tehran( which i have always lived), so i decided to go stay there but he said i must do it slowly. so i started by staying just one day with mum and slowly increased the time. but then after the new year( our year begins in spring), i knew it was time to stay longer and alone. that made me feel so anxious and depressed.then i became too depressed and suicidal for 3 weeks to be able to go there at all!!!!!... in the last days, when talking with my doctor, asked him why he thought i was feeling that bad. he replied:" i think when you feel you can not tolerate or manage something you unconsciously choose deeper depression so that you can avoid the pain and stress."
that seemed very true.
then i realized i have always used this strategy since my childhood, by day dreaming all the time and overeating. it is so painful but my life has always been too painful to bear. so it was my defense. abuses, PTSD ,neglect , insults , religious pressures etc.
then 5 days ago, i came here, my own flat, and have been trying to stop escaping pain. as you say in your culture, it is my cross to bear and everybody has their own! it has been good so far and i feel proud of myself that i am escaping escapism!!!!... but it is new to me and i am so worried that after some days i may quit. i think this is an important part of my therapy and i want it to continue. may be that is why i am writing here so that i could get feed backs and help.
i have been eating less, studying English,translating, taking care of my skin and even i have started learning Spanish and improving my French!.... i feel so anxious most of the time but i do these things anyway!!!!....
so if any of you know any other ways to escape escapism please inform me.
thanks for reading.
Ana
i wasnt here for a long time. i did not feel well at all. and it's just 5 days i am feeling better, after more than 3 months feeling awful and the last 3 weeks being suicidal.
finally i realized something important about my condition and when i started accepting that, i felt better.it is ESCAPISM. i think it is a part of having Avoidant Personality Disorder.
i have some abilities but i have not been able to work for a long period. i also cant study or even read books which i love so much. i have been always confused why i want these things so much but at the same time i cant do them.when i want to read a book that i love very much, even before opening the book i feel too anxious to bear that i just put it down and try to do something to decrease the awful anxiety which is usually overeating and watching rubbish TV programs and trying to get attention from my family or even men ,which is almost always a disaster because i ALSO have huge problems in relationships. then i feel more depressed and lonely and my self-esteem goes even lower than it was.
before those 3 nasty weeks, something big has been happening in my life and i was partly aware that i wanted to run away from the anxiety and pain it was creating for me. well, my psychoanalyst had told me it was time for me to be away from mum and become independent. i have a small flat in a small town half an hour from Tehran( which i have always lived), so i decided to go stay there but he said i must do it slowly. so i started by staying just one day with mum and slowly increased the time. but then after the new year( our year begins in spring), i knew it was time to stay longer and alone. that made me feel so anxious and depressed.then i became too depressed and suicidal for 3 weeks to be able to go there at all!!!!!... in the last days, when talking with my doctor, asked him why he thought i was feeling that bad. he replied:" i think when you feel you can not tolerate or manage something you unconsciously choose deeper depression so that you can avoid the pain and stress."
that seemed very true.
then i realized i have always used this strategy since my childhood, by day dreaming all the time and overeating. it is so painful but my life has always been too painful to bear. so it was my defense. abuses, PTSD ,neglect , insults , religious pressures etc.
then 5 days ago, i came here, my own flat, and have been trying to stop escaping pain. as you say in your culture, it is my cross to bear and everybody has their own! it has been good so far and i feel proud of myself that i am escaping escapism!!!!... but it is new to me and i am so worried that after some days i may quit. i think this is an important part of my therapy and i want it to continue. may be that is why i am writing here so that i could get feed backs and help.
i have been eating less, studying English,translating, taking care of my skin and even i have started learning Spanish and improving my French!.... i feel so anxious most of the time but i do these things anyway!!!!....
so if any of you know any other ways to escape escapism please inform me.
thanks for reading.
Ana
