Everlasting Posturing?

[Garak]

So I'm sure people have posted with similar problems before, but I may as well explain my own situation as sometimes certain elements may be unique. Essentially though, I am having a bit of an identity crisis to some degree...it was actually just recently I met someone the polar opposite of me...very sure of themselves, and it made me realize how far I was from that.

I put forth a significant amount of effort into psycho analyzing the people I engage with on a day to day basis; find out what makes them tick (if you want to put it that way). Fortunately for myself this works extremely well for working relationships, and I've generally been extremely well liked at work by almost everyone. What I realized is that it really wasn't a case of them liking me after they got to know me, it was a case of them liking me after I got to know them, and figure out exactly how to act around them for the most postive reaction possible.

Needless to say this causes more then a little bit of stress being around people, especially large groups when your trying to monitor the more subtle reactions people give to various comments or actions. But that's really another issue as far as I'm concerned. The main problems for myself most prominently surface when trying to interact with those of the opposite sex, I end up being a bit of "blank" personality during those first few closer encounters (a date for example), as I'm moreso just trying to probe the other person for information trying to figure them out so I know how to act.

Now the simple solution suggested to me by a friend was "be yourself" which kind of brought me to this point, which is that, who am I? Problem is I'm not sure. Having spent so much time and effort trying to be what everyone else is looking for I don't really know what I would act like if I were to just stop worrying about what other people thought. It seems every action I take has always had a purpose; to alter someone's perception of me, to shape their view of me to exactly what I want it to be.

If your not 100% understanding, the simplest example I can give is a real life job interview, fortunately I'm extremely good at them, because I anticipate the questions well, and have a very good understanding of what they are looking for, and what they want to hear. They always ask questions, but are looking for more then just the answer. You can credit most girls for being more complex then an HR manager though, as I generally have a difficult time figuring them out.

Either way I hope this makes sense to someone here.

 

[Mari]

Welcome Garak. Interesting post - a lot to think about. :dimples: Mari

 

[Into The Light]

you do make sense. sounds like you've developed quite the internal radar for what people expect of you and so you become that person while you interact with them. it's scary being just yourself, because what if they then don't like you? (fear of rejection)

i think this radar can be very helpful in certain situations but not all the time. that means you cannot be you. and as you state, right now you're not sure who you are.

i think you are ready to go on a road of self-discovery how much is all of this bothering you? is it starting to affect your life and if so, in what way?

 

[Garak]

Indeed the fear of rejection is a big part of it, it was the primary motivation to beginning this cycle of behaviour. I was never a very confident person until I started understanding other people better then they understood themselves. (Probably an overly arrogant statement there...but thats how I felt). Needless to say that was and is the source of most of my confidence now. The belief that I know what people's intentions are.

The other troubling thoughts that come to mind are...what if this is just me? What if I am just a guy with a blank slate personality.

Needless to say that road to self discovery is one I'd like to take, but where do you start? This is has been quite deeply engrained in my life, this will sound pathetic, but I've liked and not liked certain types of music just to gain the respect of others, it's obviously not a primary thing that will make a person like you, but I like to make sure I pay attention to detail.

As for how much it's bothering me, I'd say quite a bit, which kind of leads into the next question. It's just that there is honestly certain people out there I would rather be genuine with, like a girlfriend perhaps...but when I try to be I end up lost, not knowing what to say, and uncomfortable again, which ends up becoming extremely obvious and very much appear as someone who is unsure of themself.

It's difficult wanting to open up to someone, but the only truthful thing you can really tell them is that your "eff"ed in the head.

Ultimately though, when I'm myself...I have very little confidence, as I know any rejection is of me, but when I slip into someone else I'm comfortable knowing I don't have to take any negative reaction personally.

 

[Lana]

Hi Garak;
For what it's worth, your actions and experience don't at all make you pathetic or "eff'ed" in the head.

Your friends' advice to "be yourself" is a good one, but I can understand the complete confusion that such an advice brings. I'd say, ultimately, that would be your new goal: to be yourself. The tricky part (and not an easy one) is figuring out who you are and putting it into context.

I wonder if your fear of rejection was a by-product from your psychoanalyzing habits. The better you get at reading someone's behaviour, predicting their needs and preferences, and guaging your own behaviour to suit that, the higher the dependency on the feedback you get from others and the deeper the fear of rejection. It's a slippery slope because in addition to rejction, fear of making a mistake could also be taking a toll.

I think aibility to read people and anticipate their movements is a great one. I also think that a person can use that to build a good rapport. However, when you say that others like you "extremely well", is it really you they're reacting to, or their own projection that you mirror? This may be one of the reasons for the insecurity and/or lack of confidence you experience. While you're fantastic at building people's confidence with your projections, it comes at the expense of loosing your own core. Perhaps it's time to get a bit selfish.

I don't think there is an easy answer or fix to this situation, but you can start with small steps. First, what would happen if you didn't psychoanalyze someone? Say hello to someone at a coffee shop when you're getting your first cup. Don't try to psychoanaylze them, tell them it's a great (or crappy) day. Smile. Listen. And respond to what they say without reading anything into it. Do it in small steps. Giving up habits too fast can deepen your anxieties, so go slow. Try it on strangers. Pay attention to things you like where you didn't have to figure anything out. Just things that make you feel good. Things that make you go "hmm"

Once you become a bit more comfortable with that, you can expand on it some more. Adn don't worry, building your own personality using all your experience is a great thing: you may discover things about yourself that you don't like, and things you love. And those you don't like can always be worked on.

 

[Daniel E.]

What if I am just a guy with a blank slate personality.

That seems very unlikely since someone with a truly blank-slate personalitly wouldn't be concerned about it.

BTW, I think this video may be related to your situtation, with the most interesting part starting at the 15-minute mark:

Google Video: Approaches to Psychotherapy: Albert Ellis

 

[Into The Light]

i just wanted to say good luck, i hope lana's suggestions are helpful for you to start taking your first steps into discovering yourself and becoming comfortable with who you are. we are here to cheer you on along the way so let us know if you need more input

 

[Halo]

Garak, I don't have a lot more to offer to what has already been said but I just wanted to say welcome to Psychlinks and I hope that you find the forum helpful. Hope to see you around :wave:

 

[Tampa11]

I have to ask this question, how do you have the confidence, in your ability to psychoanalyze other people, when you do not know who you are?

 

[Lana]

Hi Tampa;

That's an interesting question. I can't speak for Garak, but I when I first read your question, I remembered a quote by Dale Carnegie: "You make more friends by becoming interested in them than by trying to get them interested in you." Psychoanalysis requires you to ask, listen, and talk about the other person. So, it kinda fits.

 

[Garak]

Lana is right, psychoanalyze makes it sound like a lot more complicated then it really is. It's really a lot more general.

It's hard to come up with specific examples, but take someone who is a bit on the arrogant side, doesn't like to be reasonable when discussing something, they just believe their own opinion and thats it. I've met certain people like this, you just can't convince them of anything because they don't respect anybody's opinion as much as their own. With these people I generally find you have to have a bit more humility around, don't try and argue with them you're right because your just wasting your time anyway. You have to almost pretend as though your conceding to their points while subtly making tactful statements about how you just have your own opinion.

I've met others though that are quite the opposite, they enjoy the argument/debate and they won't respect you unless you argue at the same high level they do. They don't want to talk to a push over they specifically look for someone who is going to prove them wrong.

Everyone is different, but these are just some general interaction examples. Sometimes it can take a bit to figure some people out, but most of the time it usually takes about one or two conversations. Not to say you know everything about them...but you can generally read how confident someone is by body language, tone, and what they say. But this is also another thing that can change from subject to subject so you kind of have to be careful not to judge too quickly.

If you get a nerd talking about computers, they might be very cocky...because they at least believe to some degree they have a lot of knowledge on the subject etc.

It's funny I mean I'm confident enough to say this is a skill of mine, but its something I never really realized I had. I mean I always knew during High School that I was able to talk to the "nerds" and the "cool people" without any awkwardness, or talking down one way or another. But I never really realized what I was doing, I just did it.

I generally found with the "cooler" crowd you have to be more confident, but also more agreeable. Where with the "nerd crowd" I tried to show a bit more humility but could also be a bit more argumentative with them.

I do apologize for the long possible nonsensical post.

 

[Tampa11]

Hi Lana;

You make an excellent point, but it was not the one I was trying to make. Probably because, communications written, verbal, or even telepathically is not one of my strong points. After re-reading the posts it was me that was off point.