Fading

[Existence]

I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to live anymore, I can’t live anymore. I can’t live. How can I live with the past so imbedded within me, how can I live when I am useless, how can I live when the person who has done so much damage to me won’t admit to his faults. I was raped as a child by my father and it haunts me continuously, especially when I have to see this person everyday and act and live as though it never happened. I’ve kept this secret within for so long, my father is those types of men that like to feel dominate in the household, he use to beat my mother, toss her around like a rag doll, while she bled he went to sleep. I grew up to all this, and though he hasn’t touched my mother for fear of the police, he keeps dominating her by yelling by emotional and psychological abuse. I’ve tried to tell my mother that I was raped by him, in fact I tried twice and each time I took my word back only because I didn’t want her to suffer. I saw the pain it was causing her, I saw how much she wished that it were a lie. This is the man she’s been with all her life, she didn’t want to believe me, and so I was confronted with a terrible situation should I stay firm with the truth or should I relieve her from having to suffer. I took back the truth, yet I know she knows the truth, however she chooses not to see it, not to address it, and pushes it back. Mean while my “loving” father denied everything I said, how the hell did he have the heart to deny it, what kind of person is this. And so we live at home as though none of this happened, they seem to live fine with this, but I can’t, I’m the one who cries herself to sleep, who wishes another life – you see I don’t hate life, I hate what has been done to me, I wish I could live, but not with these memories, not like this. I’ve got too much pain within me, and though I love my mother, sister and brother, I don’t see a point to keep going. I can’t live like this. I’ve been keeping up this façade for so long, I’ve tried to so hard to suppress these feelings these emotions of despair but they come with so much force. How can you run away from yourself, I cry and ask why me? Why? I know that so many people have suffered and continue to suffer more than I have, I know that so many people despite all this suffering continue living – it is them who are brave, I am the coward that wishes to run away, but how can you live with all this inside, how can you live with all this hurt, all this pain, this betrayal by a parent, so much damage has been done to me. I cannot sleep because I relive the past. The only thing that keeps me here is, knowing the pain that I’d be causing my mother and sister. Can I take my life away – I’ve never attempted it, but I’ve dreamt it, I’ve acted it out in my mind, the thought of death and peace consume my thoughts but do I see myself capable of following the act – I doubt it, unless the circumstances become much more unbearable. Things at home aren’t good, I want to leave, am old enough to do so but I’m in second year of University, and I’m paying for my own tuition so I don’t have the money to support myself, however I know that if I stay here any longer, my fragile will to live will disintegrate and then I know that I will follow through with the act. I can not keep living as though nothing has happened, I cannot simply dismiss the past, I do need closure, I need to get away from them, I need space, do I hate him? Perhaps, I do know though that I hate what he did to me.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Existence, you have obviously suffered for a long time and are still struggling with that suffering -- but honestly, suicide is not the answer you seek. You don't want death; you want peace. And you can find that without dying. You are correct: You cannot dismiss or simply forget the past. But you can learn to live beyond it, or in spite of it, to live without letting the past consume as it seems to be doing now. That is a difficult thing to do ojn your own, though.

I am assuming that you have never spoken about this outside your family (you talk of keeping a secret). Now, I need to be clear here: you mention a sister and a brother -- how old are they? And how old are you? How long ago did this happen? I ask these questions because, depending on where you live, there may be laws about "mandatory reporting" if there are minor children involved who might be at risk. That does not apply to you if you are an adult but it may apply to them if you disclose this, depending on their ages. This should not necessarily deter you from finding an experienced counsellor to talk to but it would be unfair not to warn you of this issue.

You can find some information about surviving and coping with childhood abuse at one or more of the following pages on my main website -- note that each page contains internet resources at the beginning of the page and helpful books further down the page:

http://www.psychlinks.ca/pages/childabuse.htm
http://www.psychlinks.ca/pages/childwithin.htm
http://www.psychlinks.ca/pages/sexabuse.htm
http://www.psychlinks.ca/pages/survivor.htm