eva
MVP
Here's something that really disturbs me about my family: ever since the incident where my dad physically abused me, he has grown and become more respectful and thoughtful towards me, while my mom's attitude towards me has deteriorated and continues to do so.
I haven't really loved my dad since I was a kid because of the years of emotional bullying that led up to him snapping and attacking me. I want to love my mom again, but with the way she's been over the past few years... there's a void and there's lingering disgust where love should be.
- 2010. A few weeks before I started CBT for the first time was Christmas. I was working retail at the time and had to work on Boxing Day, which meant long hours and starting early. My parents had the TV too loud and I told them repeatedly turn it down so I can sleep. Mom refused to turn it down quietly enough for me to be able to sleep. I got fed up, took the remote, turned the tv down to the volume that was appropriate for my needs and went back to my room with the remote so she couldn't keep being selfish about it. When I was trying to sleep, she came into my room, turned on the light, and starting going through my things without my permission, then accused me of sleeping on top of it and tried physically rolling me around in my bed to look for the remote... all while it was on my desk! I kept telling her over and over, "stop manhandling me, leave me alone, I need sleep" and she kept going. This led to a shouting match that then led to my first ever SI attempt.
- Mother's Day 2012. While arguing about something or other I brought up my feelings of being emotionally disturbed because of dad's physical abuse. She then told me that dad attacked me "because i was being disrespectful" and victim-blamed me for his actions. She then tried to re-organize the order of events in the incident in order to defend and justify him when the truth was I acted in self-defense. This distressed me so extremely I just fell on the floor and started hollering and screaming "stop, shut up." I was so loud the neighbors had to come by and check up on me and make sure they didn't have to call the police.
- when i got laid off from my most recent job I explained to her VERY CLEARLY that it was because of general dissatisfaction with my performance, but I did nothing wrong specifically. She then IMMEDIATELY started saying how maybe it was because someone wanted to get me fired, or they wanted to downsize the department. She literally ignored the things I said and started making the situation about her own opinions, which were irrelevant because she wasn't in the room when I got dismissed. Her excuse? "I'm just speculating."
- and Mother's Day weekend this year: I got annoyed at her for panicking over losing a pair of pantyhose while I was dealing with the worst of my laryngitis. I told her honestly, "I don't want to have to deal with your small problems right now, I have serious things to worry about." she got mad, walked away from me in the middle of walking us to the pharmacy, and insisting "you assaulted me. you emotionally assaulted me and yelled at me." I could barely talk above a whisper! What kind of bullshit is she imagining in her brain and where does she get off using that kind of language after what I've been through?? Then later one of my favourite mugs got broken because it fell when she opened a cupboard. I told her assertively, "you are replacing that." and she said, "no, no. I didn't break it. It was an accident." After coming home from an event she was at I told her Happy Mother's Day she immediately said, "where's my present?" I said, "I chose not to get you one because you refused to replace my mug that broke." and of course, more of "but I didn't break it." I said, "I never said you broke it. I know it was an accident. But it was mine. Replacing it is the respectful thing to do whether or not it was your fault. When I was little and broke things by accident, the cost of replacing it still came out of my allowance." And she FINALLY understood. Then when she left again to go to the sleep clinic she said, "your brother said something that you didn't." and I countered, saying "I told you Happy Mother's Day. I said it right before you started questioning me about your gift." and her excuse was "I didn't hear it." didn't listen, more like.
I just feel so emotionally exploited by her but I don't know how to put a finger on it. I don't even know if her behaviour can be considered abusive. It's that she does not listen to me. It's like she is physically incapable of processing things I say, what my needs are, and she obsessed with her own version of things. She focuses on her own material wants and convenience at my expense, takes her stress out on her family. She only responds to my needs when it becomes urgent, when she is shamed into doing so, or when people have to explain things to her that are literal or obvious. I do not believe that she fundamentally respects me or cares about my mental well-being at all.
I haven't really loved my dad since I was a kid because of the years of emotional bullying that led up to him snapping and attacking me. I want to love my mom again, but with the way she's been over the past few years... there's a void and there's lingering disgust where love should be.
- 2010. A few weeks before I started CBT for the first time was Christmas. I was working retail at the time and had to work on Boxing Day, which meant long hours and starting early. My parents had the TV too loud and I told them repeatedly turn it down so I can sleep. Mom refused to turn it down quietly enough for me to be able to sleep. I got fed up, took the remote, turned the tv down to the volume that was appropriate for my needs and went back to my room with the remote so she couldn't keep being selfish about it. When I was trying to sleep, she came into my room, turned on the light, and starting going through my things without my permission, then accused me of sleeping on top of it and tried physically rolling me around in my bed to look for the remote... all while it was on my desk! I kept telling her over and over, "stop manhandling me, leave me alone, I need sleep" and she kept going. This led to a shouting match that then led to my first ever SI attempt.
- Mother's Day 2012. While arguing about something or other I brought up my feelings of being emotionally disturbed because of dad's physical abuse. She then told me that dad attacked me "because i was being disrespectful" and victim-blamed me for his actions. She then tried to re-organize the order of events in the incident in order to defend and justify him when the truth was I acted in self-defense. This distressed me so extremely I just fell on the floor and started hollering and screaming "stop, shut up." I was so loud the neighbors had to come by and check up on me and make sure they didn't have to call the police.
- when i got laid off from my most recent job I explained to her VERY CLEARLY that it was because of general dissatisfaction with my performance, but I did nothing wrong specifically. She then IMMEDIATELY started saying how maybe it was because someone wanted to get me fired, or they wanted to downsize the department. She literally ignored the things I said and started making the situation about her own opinions, which were irrelevant because she wasn't in the room when I got dismissed. Her excuse? "I'm just speculating."
- and Mother's Day weekend this year: I got annoyed at her for panicking over losing a pair of pantyhose while I was dealing with the worst of my laryngitis. I told her honestly, "I don't want to have to deal with your small problems right now, I have serious things to worry about." she got mad, walked away from me in the middle of walking us to the pharmacy, and insisting "you assaulted me. you emotionally assaulted me and yelled at me." I could barely talk above a whisper! What kind of bullshit is she imagining in her brain and where does she get off using that kind of language after what I've been through?? Then later one of my favourite mugs got broken because it fell when she opened a cupboard. I told her assertively, "you are replacing that." and she said, "no, no. I didn't break it. It was an accident." After coming home from an event she was at I told her Happy Mother's Day she immediately said, "where's my present?" I said, "I chose not to get you one because you refused to replace my mug that broke." and of course, more of "but I didn't break it." I said, "I never said you broke it. I know it was an accident. But it was mine. Replacing it is the respectful thing to do whether or not it was your fault. When I was little and broke things by accident, the cost of replacing it still came out of my allowance." And she FINALLY understood. Then when she left again to go to the sleep clinic she said, "your brother said something that you didn't." and I countered, saying "I told you Happy Mother's Day. I said it right before you started questioning me about your gift." and her excuse was "I didn't hear it." didn't listen, more like.
I just feel so emotionally exploited by her but I don't know how to put a finger on it. I don't even know if her behaviour can be considered abusive. It's that she does not listen to me. It's like she is physically incapable of processing things I say, what my needs are, and she obsessed with her own version of things. She focuses on her own material wants and convenience at my expense, takes her stress out on her family. She only responds to my needs when it becomes urgent, when she is shamed into doing so, or when people have to explain things to her that are literal or obvious. I do not believe that she fundamentally respects me or cares about my mental well-being at all.
