Fear Of Therapy, Even After Three Years

[GDPR]

I hate this. I have therapy today and I am almost hyperventilating already, just from thinking about going. I have been going for 3 years, seeing the same therapist, yet I still feel this way every week.

I don't understand why this causes so much anxiety. I should be used to going by now. It should all feel natural and part of my routine by now, shouldn't it?

I wish I could put into words just how much fear I feel about going. I wish I could describe this sick feeling that I feel inside every Monday morning. I always feel so horrible and so on edge that my husband tries to avoid me until afterwards.

What can I do to get over this? I try to do relaxing/calming things, I listen to the observer exercise, listen to a relaxation CD, listen to music, draw, write...all the things that normally help me calm down, but nothing seems to help when I know I have therapy.

...And I will feel this way probably until half my session is over, and then I will be fine. But knowing this will go away doesn't change the amount of anxiety I have right now.

---------- Post Merged at 09:11 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 07:59 AM ----------

I'm not sure what I am so scared of. Sometimes I do tarot card readings the night before, in the hopes I will know what will transpire ahead of time. I don't like not knowing things ahead of time. But what am I afraid will happen? My therapist is trustworthy, he has never betrayed me. He's a very nice person.

Sometimes I have thoughts that maybe he talks about me, or worse,makes fun of me. I imagine him socializing with friends/family,and talking about me, and everyone laughing. I imagine him saying things like "you would not believe how psycho this woman is, guess what she said last week".

I think I am making this worse now. Now I feel physically ill.

 

[MHealthJo]

I'm sorry LIT....

So is it sort of like, you know intellectually, that this is not true and this is not what this person would be like? But still just the idea and the possibility, however remote, which you make 'possible' by sharing, still just haunts you, sort of thing?

 

[desiderata]

It sounds like you need to confront your fear of what you think people are saying about you and start with your therapist. Tell him you respect him but his every day personal opinion of you in your mind is laughable. I've always said that we all care to some degree what people say or think of us, or else we wouldn't put any clothes on if we didn't feel like it when going out. It's when we care to the point that it's debilitating that we need to set some boundaries.

 

[GDPR]

I went, and I was fine, like I said I would be. And thinking how silly it was to be so scared..as usual.

MHealthJo, that's kind of it, I guess. But I don't worry so much about anything 'bad' happening while I am in there anymore. Because I have talked to him about those fears, and it has helped a lot.

Desiderata, what I said about him talking and/or laughing at me isn't it I don't think. Those are just random thoughts I have sometimes, but not what makes me so afraid of going there.

I'm starting to think maybe it's because I am telling all these 'secrets' I have been holding inside my entire life. Maybe that's what makes me feel that way.

 

[desiderata]

Yes, there are places in my mind I do not want to share. Places I don't want to go to. Thoughts, feelings, secrets that we all have and some we keep to ourselves. In time we might release them and they may or may not set us free.