Fearful of relationships and intimacy

[moonsanddunes]

I am new here and really found this site to be respectful and understanding in replies compared to other sites so I'm pleased to be here and hope I can seek some advice. I hope I posted this in the right place...

Background:
I'm 22 years old and a busy professional. I'm confident, bubbly, independent, ambitious, friendly and I have a wide range of interests. I am decent looking and people are always commenting saying I look a little like Keira Knightley but not as skinny - so there's a frame of reference.

I am yet to have any kind of intimate relationship or any relationship at all. I haven't been kissed, I'm still a virgin and I haven't had a boyfriend. I haven't even held hands with a guy.

It's becoming painfully obvious of late just how behind most other people my age I truly am. Some are getting married, some engaged and people are moving in together.

I feel like I haven't even taken the baby steps and experienced even a teenage first love.

I am a veru caring and loving person and have an awful lot to give. I have friends who are guys and have no problems relating to guys- that's not the issue. In a way I'm not sure EXACTLY where the issue lies. I have wondered if I'm love-shy and considered going to see somoene but then I wonder if I'm not as abnormal as I think I am.

I just have this intense fear of opening up to someone. It's so terrifying that I'll even AVOID the very suggestion of getting close to someone or someone who likes me JUST to avoid possible intimacy or something leading to it. I'd rather go without even though I want NOTHING more than to be able to find a guy and experience what all of those wonderful things are like.

I look at people holding hands and it seems so easy and so tiny. To me, that's huge. Nobody's ever wanted to do that to me before and I find it very upsetting at times because it's not that I NEED a guy (I am perfectly independent and confident alone) but its that I'd LIKE someone to be with and I'd just like to know what it feels like.

I'm so frightened of getting close to someone. The thought of sex frightens me so much that I can't ever imagine myself doing it. I find it hard to even imagine myself kissing someone- the thought is so alien to me. It's not that I DON'T want it... I do, a LOT.

I'm a hopeless romantic and it's not that I am frightened of being rejected... I've put myself out there twice before and was turned down once and had my heart broken the second time - both simply saw me as a friend and one said he had no romantic feelings for me whatsoever. I know it's a part of life and relationships and that's not the problem. The issue is being comfortable to enter into a relaionship - I'll tense up, panic and avoid any situation which would present the opportunity of someone liking me or suggesting ANYTHING related to dating.

I see others doing it - flirting and experimenting - and it's so weird to me. I watch other people and see how blase they are about it all. If someone were to look at me and desire me or feel attracted to me or, god willing, love me then I honestly don't think my heart would be able to take it. Even the smallest thing would meal the absolute world...

I just worry it'd take some spectacular guy to ever be able to be patient enough and understanding enough to either help me or ease me into things ... or even simply let me sort my own head out. No guy is going to do that, right?

I am probably making no sense here but ANY advice would be so greatly appreciated

Thank you so much for listening.

 

[Retired]

Welcome to Psychlinks Moonsanddunes! Thanks for joining us and we hope you might find some insights.

Sorry to hear you had a couple of disappointing experiences in trying to develop earlier relationships. Becoming closer to someone usualy requires both parties to be willing to share feelings and expose some vulnerabilities and not everyone is comfortable doing either or both. On the other hand, while developing a relationship, the flip side would be to set some boundaries, until you feel comfortable enough with the other person to be able to open up.

I just worry it'd take some spectacular guy to ever be able to be patient enough and understanding enough to either help me or ease me into things ... or even simply let me sort my own head out. No guy is going to do that, right?

I'd like to think there are still a few caring, considerate and patient men around who respect a woman's right to set boundaries until both are ready to move the relationship to a higher level. You can evaluate a person's intentions pretty early in a relationship, during the getting acquainted phase, where you would not expose too much until you got to know each other better.

Relationships need to be mutually satisfactory and both parties should agree on whether they want to take it to the next level or not.

Have you ever discussed your apprehensions with a spiritual advisor or mental health therapist to explore why you might be fearful of opening up to someone?

 

[bloodwood]

Hi Moonsanddunes,
Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your troubles and thoughts. I work at a college with people your age and I will start by saying that there are still a number of people your age who are just discovering relationships. Comparing your state to other people is risky because people's lives are different and everybody has to live their own. You and them have had different life experiences so how you handle life will be different. Your pace through life will be different.

I personally was 21 before I had a girlfriend. Maybe we aren't statistically average but why does that matter. I am living with a wonderful lady now for many years. Sometimes it just takes some of us a while to find our own path. You aren't late. You aren't far behind.

Working at the college I can respond to Steve's comment and say that there are some really wonderful, decent, caring guys to be found. Guys that I consider myself lucky to have met. Decent people. You will meet men where it may not work out but you will also meet guys where it can workout. There are guys who can understand and be giving.

Stop pressuring yourself. Stop pushing yourself. So often the answer is in just sitting back and enjoying your life. Do the things you like to do with the people you enjoy. At some point your comfort level will be stronger at a point when you encouter a person that might be a match.

You sound like a wonderful lady. It sounds like the biggest thing "wrong" with you is that you don't realize it yet.

As Steve suggested, it can be very helpful to sit down and talk to someone about your fears and feelings. To express them and bounce some ideas around. I promise you that you are salvagable.
You have only just begun. Please talk with someone about your concerns. And of course you are always welcome here to chat and bounce ideas. We all find this forum helpful and so we stay. There are some really great articles ordered by topic on some of what you are talking about. Starting relationships and being nervous about it. This may or may not be helpful for you.

One thing I will add is that often by living life we build confidence to tackle other parts of our life. And this can take time. It did in my case.
Peter