tjgrahamcracker
Member
i used to have irrational fears of darkness but i've managed to conquer them. i was also afraid of social situations and i've come to better terms with that now. i don't know where to categorize these feelings i'm having tonight so i thought i'd put them where i feel they belong.
i just hate my parents. well, my mom and my stepdad who took me back in when i failed at moving out. i hate how they are so concerned with themselves and don't take my needs into account ever. their point of view always comes first, and their needs too. i guess i am used to feeling like i have to accept my mom's unfair judgement calls because she's been making them for as long as i can remember and refusing to accept valid points i make in argument ever since i was young.
i swear she thinks that children are born to follow the commands of their parents until they die. i'm no child, i am 23 and i have my own plans, goals aspirations. i can never get my POV through to her because she always seems to be sucked up into her own little world. she doesn't seem to care about mine i think it's all that coffee she drinks, like 10 cups a day no joke. i quit just because i can't stand the way she just floats away from everything.
her husband has such anger problems. he's always yelling if he's not drunk. he always wants his way and she has just accepted that she has to give him his way all the time. she believes that she is responsible for his anger and it is her duty to "prevent it". I told her it is not my responsibility and i have no control over him getting angry. but still it's so hard to live here with him raising his voice all the time just for everyday situations. it has helped me to overcome my spontaneous unrestrainable response to yellers, because i will not yell back when i'm yelled at, people need to have patience with others.
But anyway, it's hard to live with that going around! The walls are so thin i can't escape it in my bedroom. he even talks about me right under the floor! what an ass! he's obnoxious and all around i don't like him much. i love my mother even though she has done me injustices in the past and i have forgiven her for them. but i don't think i will ever love her new husband. i do respect him for the good points to his attitude but not for the bad ones. my mother has no desire for him to change even though it hurts me, and my mom's relationship with me, and with my 3 siblings. and it seems i will be living here at least 2 more years or so to finish up college...
i feel like i am a unique, interesting, fun, funny, responsible and a good friend to others but why do i feel like i'm a child when i go home? am i not entitled to something for paying rent and doing all these darn chores? what do i have to do? if this stepdad wants me to like him, which may be the case, i sure can't do that and i'm sorry about his luck but i don't like his attitude at all. i know i am partially to blame because i don't show my feelings when i am offended or feel wronged.... for some reason i only let others see my helplessness... which is i guess how i feel.... i am scared to get angry at the people who are providing me with a roof (and free food) and other little benefits of having middleclass parents. not much love, not tuition, not really a concern for my success... basically a desire to get me out of the house is what i feel from my stepdad, and my mom like i said is rarely "around" mentally to care either way about what's going on with me. but ever since i started hugging her no matter how hard it was and told her i love her again for the first time in a while... she's been a more peaceful and kind with me....
my stepdad is still very hard to deal wiht. 3 or 4 times he started working on the roof with a hammer and nails right above my room at 7am when i'm trying to sleep on a weekend when i don't have to work until 1pm(weekdays are school days and i get up at 6:30am but i don't think that means i have to get up early on weekends) He knows i'm sleeping, what makes him do that? Next time i'm going to get the heck out of there with my car... i hate it but i'm not going to hang around when he's banging on stuff... lately it's the kitchen, it seems like he's just making so much noise in there, sometimes pretty late too. i'm just going to leave because i can't relax with him doing all that.
crap.... so i guess codependency is what this is all about. i hate how people's moods affect me... make me cower in fear, loss my confidence and self esteem.... i want to stand up for myself but it's hard because i feel like i need somebody when i'm hurting and i don't know how to stand up all on my own.
i do have 3 loving siblings and i guess i have been getting closer to my friends lately too... but nobody wants to hear about feelings and stuff do they? even when i talk with them about things here a little, i don't do justice to how terrible it is to live here.
humphhh.... i know i'm not really hitting the target with this.... there's something else i'm totally missing...
self esteem is really an important thing too.... i'm usually running real empty on it. i've been raised to be real superficial about "what's valuable". I don't really subscribe to that belief anymore except with my self image... i feel ugly a lot and it affects my intentions to talk to members of the opposite sex. i do have a scar on my leg that i've had since i was 16 months which is usually not seen(by instruction from my mom in 2nd or 3rd grade) My x-girlfriend reacted positively to it, and i don't really consider it to be "ugly" looking or anything but then i can't help but feel like it is... i don't really even know how i got it.... and i don't know how to go about asking my mom if she thinks it's ugly and i am afraid that she will say something harsh if i did. i wear shorts lately when i go out to kind of feel a little liberated and i've thought about nude modeling though i am deep down afraid of looking gross to other people.
well i think i have said a lot, perhaps too much and i hope nobody will take it on themself to assail the beast my mind has conjured up tonight. maybe just a word of encouragement or understanding especially acknowledgement of my feelings as valid would really help me out.
i just hate my parents. well, my mom and my stepdad who took me back in when i failed at moving out. i hate how they are so concerned with themselves and don't take my needs into account ever. their point of view always comes first, and their needs too. i guess i am used to feeling like i have to accept my mom's unfair judgement calls because she's been making them for as long as i can remember and refusing to accept valid points i make in argument ever since i was young.
i swear she thinks that children are born to follow the commands of their parents until they die. i'm no child, i am 23 and i have my own plans, goals aspirations. i can never get my POV through to her because she always seems to be sucked up into her own little world. she doesn't seem to care about mine i think it's all that coffee she drinks, like 10 cups a day no joke. i quit just because i can't stand the way she just floats away from everything.
her husband has such anger problems. he's always yelling if he's not drunk. he always wants his way and she has just accepted that she has to give him his way all the time. she believes that she is responsible for his anger and it is her duty to "prevent it". I told her it is not my responsibility and i have no control over him getting angry. but still it's so hard to live here with him raising his voice all the time just for everyday situations. it has helped me to overcome my spontaneous unrestrainable response to yellers, because i will not yell back when i'm yelled at, people need to have patience with others.
But anyway, it's hard to live with that going around! The walls are so thin i can't escape it in my bedroom. he even talks about me right under the floor! what an ass! he's obnoxious and all around i don't like him much. i love my mother even though she has done me injustices in the past and i have forgiven her for them. but i don't think i will ever love her new husband. i do respect him for the good points to his attitude but not for the bad ones. my mother has no desire for him to change even though it hurts me, and my mom's relationship with me, and with my 3 siblings. and it seems i will be living here at least 2 more years or so to finish up college...
i feel like i am a unique, interesting, fun, funny, responsible and a good friend to others but why do i feel like i'm a child when i go home? am i not entitled to something for paying rent and doing all these darn chores? what do i have to do? if this stepdad wants me to like him, which may be the case, i sure can't do that and i'm sorry about his luck but i don't like his attitude at all. i know i am partially to blame because i don't show my feelings when i am offended or feel wronged.... for some reason i only let others see my helplessness... which is i guess how i feel.... i am scared to get angry at the people who are providing me with a roof (and free food) and other little benefits of having middleclass parents. not much love, not tuition, not really a concern for my success... basically a desire to get me out of the house is what i feel from my stepdad, and my mom like i said is rarely "around" mentally to care either way about what's going on with me. but ever since i started hugging her no matter how hard it was and told her i love her again for the first time in a while... she's been a more peaceful and kind with me....
my stepdad is still very hard to deal wiht. 3 or 4 times he started working on the roof with a hammer and nails right above my room at 7am when i'm trying to sleep on a weekend when i don't have to work until 1pm(weekdays are school days and i get up at 6:30am but i don't think that means i have to get up early on weekends) He knows i'm sleeping, what makes him do that? Next time i'm going to get the heck out of there with my car... i hate it but i'm not going to hang around when he's banging on stuff... lately it's the kitchen, it seems like he's just making so much noise in there, sometimes pretty late too. i'm just going to leave because i can't relax with him doing all that.
crap.... so i guess codependency is what this is all about. i hate how people's moods affect me... make me cower in fear, loss my confidence and self esteem.... i want to stand up for myself but it's hard because i feel like i need somebody when i'm hurting and i don't know how to stand up all on my own.
i do have 3 loving siblings and i guess i have been getting closer to my friends lately too... but nobody wants to hear about feelings and stuff do they? even when i talk with them about things here a little, i don't do justice to how terrible it is to live here.
humphhh.... i know i'm not really hitting the target with this.... there's something else i'm totally missing...
self esteem is really an important thing too.... i'm usually running real empty on it. i've been raised to be real superficial about "what's valuable". I don't really subscribe to that belief anymore except with my self image... i feel ugly a lot and it affects my intentions to talk to members of the opposite sex. i do have a scar on my leg that i've had since i was 16 months which is usually not seen(by instruction from my mom in 2nd or 3rd grade) My x-girlfriend reacted positively to it, and i don't really consider it to be "ugly" looking or anything but then i can't help but feel like it is... i don't really even know how i got it.... and i don't know how to go about asking my mom if she thinks it's ugly and i am afraid that she will say something harsh if i did. i wear shorts lately when i go out to kind of feel a little liberated and i've thought about nude modeling though i am deep down afraid of looking gross to other people.
well i think i have said a lot, perhaps too much and i hope nobody will take it on themself to assail the beast my mind has conjured up tonight. maybe just a word of encouragement or understanding especially acknowledgement of my feelings as valid would really help me out.
