Feeling hopelessly trapped inside of myself

[timjohnson]

I just don't feel like I can be helped.... I tried to explain why I think this is, and it took me over 30 minutes of writing... The conclusion I came to is that I should see a councellor after all, because it would take me like 3 months just to explain why I can't be helped... Because he would have to dig through all of my convoluted thought processes just to figure out what I mean.

I guess I can't even reach out for help without having control over it.... Like I couldn't go seek help unless I already knew what I was going to get out of it.

I guess I feel like a mess under the surface... But nobody sees that in my life, in fact a lot of people think I'm really really on top of things. I really feel on top of things actually-----so long as I'm in control! But if there are strong emotions in my life I fall apart like falling spaghetti in a strong wind. I've been into a mental health facility when things got out of control before... But now, 8 months later, I feel like things couldn't get any better.... And that so long as I stay in control things won't get any worse. I don't really have any problems on my mind, life is just the way it always is when I'm on top of things... I don't really think I would change anything if I could..... So how can I ask for help?? What would I ask for?

Harrumph.... I just feel like therapy would be a waste of time because it's hard for me to be honest... I just don't think anybody will ever get me to talk about things that make me feel my emotions... I just feel like nobody can help me where I'm at.... And the highs of life are never going to be anything more than those moments where I can forget all of my negativity for the inflated facade of mine called happiness. I really don't even know what happiness is. The closest thing I can think of is looking out at a beautiful view at the red river gorge... Or just trudging along on a nature trail. Happiness never follows me home though.... Never stays with me after the activities are gone... I've been learning not to desire so much and that makes life easier to deal with....

I feel like my sister and I have Narsissistic Personality disorder... I think both of my parents did, and we got it from them. My brother might have it, but if he does he hides it really well.... I know I hide it really well.... I just feel like those articles Doctor Baxter posted about NPD really hit home.... And yet at the same time I feel like all of the problems it describes are things about myself that can't be helped.... And I don't know if I'll ever be able to get the help I want.... And I feel like whenever I open up about issues like this, either nobody understands, or nobody cares.... Where do I start? I've been journaling for myself for 3 years or so, and yet suddenly I feel like I haven't made any progress... I feel like all this time I've just been figuring out something horrible:

That my feelings are what make my life unmanageable. And I'm afraid they're lost forever and I'll never get them back... Is NPD treatable?

One last thing... The only time I've ever been able to express my true feelings was during this brief 2 weeks at the Mental Health Hospital where I participated in Art for Therapy... The leaders asked us to express how we felt through art, and it was just so easy for me to express myself symbolically through art... Other than that it just feels impossible to express my feelings.... Has anyone ever heard of a counsellor who will let me draw during therapy sessions? It just feels like my language...

 

[Retired]

Hello Tim!

Thank you for posting your story.

It will give our Forum members and staff an opportunity to respond to your querry, offering some insights and perhaps diverse opinions.

Looking forward to reading the comments to your posting.

 

[braveheart]

I often take my drawings into therapy, and once my therapist asked me to draw what I was feeling.

I hear how you're maybe protecting yourself from your intense emotions. Partly because you don't feel you need help, partly because you are afraid the fragile sense of control you have will crumble... Your feelings aren't lost forever, you've rather got a very rigid defence structure in front of them. This will take time to pull down, step by step. It may be that part of this process would involve developing trust that someone actually cares about you and your feelings, and that you exist as a separate person who has needs.

This takes a certain degree of openess. Maybe you're not ready yet. But being aware is part of the process. You can see the 'false front' you put up for the deep terror behind, you know it's not real.

 

[Lana]

Hi Tim and welcome to Psychlinks.

It sounds to me like you're battling depression rather then NPD. However, we don't diagnose our memebers here, we do, however, strongly recommend for our members that are suffering to seek help in their area. I think seeing a therapist may surprised you. If anything, it'll give you that one person that listens to anything and everything you have to say, and cares that you get well. Now, he or she may not become the caring person you want, or find someone to care about you either. Instead, he or she will teach you to care about yourself, to trust yourself, and to take care of yourself. He or she will focus on all that is best for you and only you.

So, I wouldn't dismiss the therapy aspect too quickly. Give it a try, you have nothing to loose but your depression.

 

[Into The Light]

nice to meet you and :welcome:

And that so long as I stay in control things won't get any worse. I don't really have any problems on my mind, life is just the way it always is when I'm on top of things... I don't really think I would change anything if I could..... So how can I ask for help?? What would I ask for?

it's hard for us to see how therapy can help us because we ourselves don't know what the problem is, or if we do, we just don't know what the solution could possibly be. so we figure, if we don't know, how can anyone else help us?

sometimes part of therapy is to figure out what it is we need help with. it's part of the process, and you don't need to have all the answers up front. you can just go and say something isn't right in your life, you don't know what it is, but you would like help figuring it out and then help to fix what is wrong. a therapist can be an objective other party with a fresh perspective who can ask the right questions and work together with you on figuring things out.

I just feel like therapy would be a waste of time because it's hard for me to be honest... I just don't think anybody will ever get me to talk about things that make me feel my emotions... I just feel like nobody can help me where I'm at.

it takes time to learn to trust a therapist and to open up to them. once the trust begins to form and increases, it will get a little easier to open up a little more and be honest about what's on your mind. you aren't going to be able to do it all on the first day. it goes in small steps. and you may be honest about some of things when you start, but not all, but in time as you feel safer with the therapist and know it's ok, you will be able to be honest about the more difficult things.

i think it would be very well worth your while to find someone to talk to. i do want to point out that a good fit is crucial for the success of your therapy. it may take a few tries before you find the right person, so if you at first don't find the right person that you feel comfortable enough with, don't be discouraged.

i think these posts may be helpful should you be interested in considering finding a therapist.
How to find the best therapist for you - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Forum
Between Client and Therapist - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Forum

let us know what you think

 

[Halo]

Hi Tim and welcome to Psychlinks :welcome2:

I see that you have already got a lot of great insight and information from others but I thought that I would add that in my personal experience, finding the right therapist is key. I have been though many that I didn't fit with etc. but once I found the right fit, I knew it and it was then that I began to trust this person and be able to let them see the "real me" behind the mask. I never ever thought that I would ever let someone see who I was without my mask on. Anyway, my point is that you never know what good can come from seeing a therapist until you try.

As for your question about art during therapy, I did have a therapist that let me draw during each of my sessions. We would both sit on the floor and I would just doodle or draw whatever I wanted. This helped with turning off the internal editor that I had as well as being able to open up more in therapy. Sometimes she would ask me to draw specific feelings and then we would discuss them. Another thought, there are Art Therapists out there and that may be an avenue that you want to look into.

Okay so after my long winded post what I am trying to say is don't give up. Just because you can't invision yourself opening up to someone and letting them in doesn't mean that you never will. I thought that too and I was wrong. Give therapy a chance and like Lana said, you have nothing to lose.

Take care and I look forward to seeing you around the forum :wave:

 

[Daniel E.]

I feel like my sister and I have Narsissistic Personality disorder... I think both of my parents did, and we got it from them.

It seems unlikely that both you and your sister in addition to your parents would all have had a personality disorder, let alone the same personality disorder. I once saw a psychiatrist who thought, after talking to me for 20 minutes, that I had a narcissitic personality, but he was confusing some of the symptoms of depression and some traits of introversion with narcissism. (Similarly, I do think drug addicts become narcissitic as they become addicted, but, again, that's not necessarily a personality trait as it is more usually just a symptom.)

 

[timjohnson]

Thank you all for responding to me, I'm really thankful. It's all so much to process/think about...

I like what you said Lana, there are definitely some improvements I need to make caring about myself, trusting myself, and taking care of myself... And I guess it would be nice to get some help...

Thanks a lot for your comments Into The Light, it makes a lot of sense to me. I think what I need to do is meet with someone and say that I don't know what's wrong but I would really like to try to open up to somebody new who won't judge me for what I say and will be accepting of my perspective...

Now that I think of it I have a free service through my job where I can call a number to speak with a counsellor... Do you guys think it would be a good start? It's just really scary thinking about calling a "help line" when I know I'm going to freeze up when they ask "What can I help you with?"

 

[Lana]

I think it's a fantastic start. From experience, they will most likely either set up an appointment with you to see you in person. And incase you're worried about confidentiality, it's very much in effect and you will be completely safe.

When you get there, they will ask, "What brings you here?" or "Why am I seeing you?" It'll be a bit uncomfortable, probably because you're not used to such a question, none of us really are. Also, we don't usually discuss such matters with anyone, so that will add to the discomfort. BUT...don't give in to that. It's just a learning curve where you learn to vocalize your concerns. Take a deep breath and go with it. Tell him or her exactly what you said here.

There will be no judgment of you or anything you do. There will only be a professional assessment of your situation so that the therapist knows how to approach things and what works best for you. Just remember that you won't be going there for a therapist, the therapist is there for you. It's all about you and for you, Tim.

 

[Banned]

I can only echo what the others have said but also wanted to say there are lots of counsellors out there who do "art therapy". My therapist uses a variety of techniques with me, only one of which is we do lots of drawings. Sometimes we'll draw a picture together and other times she'll ask me to draw certain things and then we'll talk about it. It's a great way to help me open up and it sounds like you feel it might help you out as well.

Your workplace counselling line is a great place to start. They are usually intended for short-term counselling but they will also have a vast array of resources to be able to refer you to. I'd definitely give them a call as a starting point.

 

[Halo]

Tim,

I agree that starting with the workplace counselling line is a great place place to start. If you have that resource at your fingertips then I would definitely take advantage of it. I know that you will probably be nervous making that call but just know that you don't need to have all the answers when you do. All you do need to know is that something isn't right and that your life is in need of help.

I really hope that you make that call and do keep us updated on how you are doing.

Take care

 

[timjohnson]

Thank you all for your advice, I think I have the confidence to make the call tonight. We'll see where I go from there!

I'll keep you all posted.

Timothy

 

[braveheart]

Let us know how you get on.. All the best with it.

 

[Halo]

Tim,

I am glad that you feel you have the confidence to make that call and remember that we are all here to support you.

Let us know how it goes.

Take care

 

[Into The Light]

great news. :goodjob: let us know how it turns out.