timjohnson
Member
I just don't feel like I can be helped.... I tried to explain why I think this is, and it took me over 30 minutes of writing... The conclusion I came to is that I should see a councellor after all, because it would take me like 3 months just to explain why I can't be helped... Because he would have to dig through all of my convoluted thought processes just to figure out what I mean.
I guess I can't even reach out for help without having control over it.... Like I couldn't go seek help unless I already knew what I was going to get out of it.
I guess I feel like a mess under the surface... But nobody sees that in my life, in fact a lot of people think I'm really really on top of things. I really feel on top of things actually-----so long as I'm in control! But if there are strong emotions in my life I fall apart like falling spaghetti in a strong wind. I've been into a mental health facility when things got out of control before... But now, 8 months later, I feel like things couldn't get any better.... And that so long as I stay in control things won't get any worse. I don't really have any problems on my mind, life is just the way it always is when I'm on top of things... I don't really think I would change anything if I could..... So how can I ask for help?? What would I ask for?
Harrumph.... I just feel like therapy would be a waste of time because it's hard for me to be honest... I just don't think anybody will ever get me to talk about things that make me feel my emotions... I just feel like nobody can help me where I'm at.... And the highs of life are never going to be anything more than those moments where I can forget all of my negativity for the inflated facade of mine called happiness. I really don't even know what happiness is. The closest thing I can think of is looking out at a beautiful view at the red river gorge... Or just trudging along on a nature trail. Happiness never follows me home though.... Never stays with me after the activities are gone... I've been learning not to desire so much and that makes life easier to deal with....
I feel like my sister and I have Narsissistic Personality disorder... I think both of my parents did, and we got it from them. My brother might have it, but if he does he hides it really well.... I know I hide it really well.... I just feel like those articles Doctor Baxter posted about NPD really hit home.... And yet at the same time I feel like all of the problems it describes are things about myself that can't be helped.... And I don't know if I'll ever be able to get the help I want.... And I feel like whenever I open up about issues like this, either nobody understands, or nobody cares.... Where do I start? I've been journaling for myself for 3 years or so, and yet suddenly I feel like I haven't made any progress... I feel like all this time I've just been figuring out something horrible:
That my feelings are what make my life unmanageable. And I'm afraid they're lost forever and I'll never get them back... Is NPD treatable?
One last thing... The only time I've ever been able to express my true feelings was during this brief 2 weeks at the Mental Health Hospital where I participated in Art for Therapy... The leaders asked us to express how we felt through art, and it was just so easy for me to express myself symbolically through art... Other than that it just feels impossible to express my feelings.... Has anyone ever heard of a counsellor who will let me draw during therapy sessions? It just feels like my language...
I guess I can't even reach out for help without having control over it.... Like I couldn't go seek help unless I already knew what I was going to get out of it.
I guess I feel like a mess under the surface... But nobody sees that in my life, in fact a lot of people think I'm really really on top of things. I really feel on top of things actually-----so long as I'm in control! But if there are strong emotions in my life I fall apart like falling spaghetti in a strong wind. I've been into a mental health facility when things got out of control before... But now, 8 months later, I feel like things couldn't get any better.... And that so long as I stay in control things won't get any worse. I don't really have any problems on my mind, life is just the way it always is when I'm on top of things... I don't really think I would change anything if I could..... So how can I ask for help?? What would I ask for?
Harrumph.... I just feel like therapy would be a waste of time because it's hard for me to be honest... I just don't think anybody will ever get me to talk about things that make me feel my emotions... I just feel like nobody can help me where I'm at.... And the highs of life are never going to be anything more than those moments where I can forget all of my negativity for the inflated facade of mine called happiness. I really don't even know what happiness is. The closest thing I can think of is looking out at a beautiful view at the red river gorge... Or just trudging along on a nature trail. Happiness never follows me home though.... Never stays with me after the activities are gone... I've been learning not to desire so much and that makes life easier to deal with....
I feel like my sister and I have Narsissistic Personality disorder... I think both of my parents did, and we got it from them. My brother might have it, but if he does he hides it really well.... I know I hide it really well.... I just feel like those articles Doctor Baxter posted about NPD really hit home.... And yet at the same time I feel like all of the problems it describes are things about myself that can't be helped.... And I don't know if I'll ever be able to get the help I want.... And I feel like whenever I open up about issues like this, either nobody understands, or nobody cares.... Where do I start? I've been journaling for myself for 3 years or so, and yet suddenly I feel like I haven't made any progress... I feel like all this time I've just been figuring out something horrible:
That my feelings are what make my life unmanageable. And I'm afraid they're lost forever and I'll never get them back... Is NPD treatable?
One last thing... The only time I've ever been able to express my true feelings was during this brief 2 weeks at the Mental Health Hospital where I participated in Art for Therapy... The leaders asked us to express how we felt through art, and it was just so easy for me to express myself symbolically through art... Other than that it just feels impossible to express my feelings.... Has anyone ever heard of a counsellor who will let me draw during therapy sessions? It just feels like my language...