Feeling pity for my mother

[AmZ]

I feel pity for my mother. I seriously feel sorry for her.

She stayed with my father and in the family home until I was 15 years old and my sister 16 years old and then made a 'move' (bad and painful for everyone) which ended up showing her that the 'move' she made was a big mistake and that she was looking for something in life that doesn't exist, rather than making the best and improving what she already had.

In turn, she not only lost her husband (the best husband - who did all he could all of his life to give his wife whatever she wanted, to the best of his physical abilities), but also lost her two daughters in the process.

I pity her so much, for everything that she has messed up and has not tried to fix asides from saying 'sorry' twice in the last 10 years. Even taking me and my sister out of the picture, I pity her life and everything about her, the way she is and how she will live out the rest of her life, she can't and won't change.

In the last 10 years, my life has changed a lot, and it's funny to say that if my mother wouldn't have made the bad move that she did, I wouldn't be here where I am today. It's only because of what she did, as to why I am where I am today. On one hand, I wouldn't change where I am now, so can't say that I 'regret' what she did, but on the other, I don't realize how much it has affected me and my sister and is even more painful now that she is totally incapable of fixing what she did and rebuilding the relationship. It seems that we are more capable than she is. But we've tried enough. There is only so much one can give and if they get nothing back in return, the relationship can't work. Tried that for too long already. So now, it looks like it's totally over.

 

[Yuray]

that she is totally incapable of fixing what she did and rebuilding the relationship.

it may be as simple as her not being aware of the damage you credit to her, or simply not caring enough as you would want from her. when people move ahead with their life, they often leave the past behind.

 

[AmZ]

when people move ahead with their life, they often leave the past behind.

That's what she has done.
She had an affair with a family friend (and was caught in the act) in our family home by my father (whilst we were there also), then she decided to move to where her new partner lived, 2 hours away. It's like she just ran away from it all. I could never imagine myself doing this as a mother. Fine, she has her own issues and had some form of a mid-life crisis, so it's not that I am expecting her to be perfect or not make mistakes, but on the other, 10 years later and she still can't just make the effort to keep in touch with us regularly. We tried for years to be the ones putting in all of the effort and getting in touch with her, and she showed/gave hardly anything in return. Just made broken promises by saying that she'll call in a couple of days and never did it. I can honestly say that I forgive her for what she did back then, but it's now (and the last few years especially) which is the problem. Can someone be that incapable of showing/having a genuine interest in 2 daughters that she gave birth to and brought up until the ages of 15 and 16? It's becoming a lot less frequent, but when we do speak with her (via email most of the time) every several months or so, she just sounds totally fake and ungenuine. I don't expect some amazing relationship with her, but she can't even do the basics. My sister and I have gone through gradual decisions about her and how/when we will get in contact with her. For years, we've been the ones getting in touch with her 90% of the time, and the 10% with her usually starts with an email saying that she will call, and ends there. Recently, we said that it's too exhausting and upsetting for us to get these knock-backs all the time from her, so everything will be left to her. Whenever she wants to get in touch with us, she can, and we will reciprocate and hope to not be let down. But as far as us contacting her, unless in extenuating circumstances (such as her becoming a grandmother for the first time 6 weeks ago and my sister emailing her to tell her she'd given birth, also after our mum saying that she'll call my sister 3 weeks before the birth and didn't) we can't do it anymore.

 

[AmZ]

My dad says that he honestly feels that our mother didn't abandon me and my sister. (More like, she abandoned herself and was incapable of being a mother or something).

We were only 15 and 16 years old when all of this happened, so didn't have a great understanding anyway of our mum and her issues and in general, we were at an age where we weren't 'developed' enough through life experience to understand everything. Even now, we don't know and can't understand so much, which makes things confusing and we'd like to understand more. However, the more I write here and think about it all, I can kind of piece it all together.

We don't know about our mum's childhood so much, asides from that she didn't feel loved from her mother and that she was close with her father. Looks like perhaps why this was why she has been the kind of mother she has been because of her own experiences. I can only hope that I can learn from how my mum has been as a mother to me/us and hope that I will not do the things that she has done and be totally different and be able to show love to my children and be there for them regardless. That's one thing she can't seem to do, is show her love to us. I know that she loves us (in some way), but because of her own issues and way she is, she can't show it.

She said to us a couple of years ago that she feels like we don't want to be in touch with her and she feels rejected. No doubt, she still feels like this, even though we've said to her that we want to be in touch with her but she finds it extremely difficult to reciprocate and/or make the first move to get in touch with us. I know that she has been extremely unhappy her whole life and still is. She's always been overweight and unhappy with herself and compares herself to others (she even won't see her sister because her sister lost weight and feels jealous/unattractive compared to her).

She always searched for something in life that just wasn't there. She always wanted to live in a cottage in the countryside in England so when that man came along (the family friend, that also had a partner at the time), she got in to a relationship/affair with him (don't know how long it was going on for whilst my parents were still together) and moved to her long-dreamed-for-cottage in the country. I'd go and stay there every couple of months, and I managed to build up some of the relationship with her again which was good. But the only way she could try to make things better or show her love was by using her boyfriends money to buy me things and 'treat me' when I went to stay. Like trying to buy me or something.

Anyway, after a couple of years with him, of course, their relationship broke down and she stayed with him for another 5 years in misery. Both of them. Then she ended up finding out that he was having an affair and she was also talking with men on dating sites (not sure how far that went) - So they basically went full circle around and bit each other in the a$$, did the same to each other just like how they'd met. Ended up in apparently, her partner losing his temper and my mum getting him up against the wall with a knife against his throat because she was fearful of what he was going to do with her.

Then she moved out and went on to the next man who she lives with now. They are again, both unhappy with their lives unfortunately, but are still together after a couple of years since meeting. Hence, I come back to really pitying my mother. For a few years, I made the effort to be the one in contact with her, but now it's totally broken down and I guess I have to come to terms with that and get on with my life.

My dad is remarried to a very lovely woman who is more of a mother to me than my actual mother is. Even though my dad and his wife live back in England, so we only see them when they visit twice a year for a couple of weeks each time, that's what I have. It's a shame it's not more, because I have this big relationship void in not having (any) loving and caring mother to turn to or just have there for me.

With my mum, I guess it'll be one of those horrible things where I'll just find out one day that she has passed away or something, and that will be that.

Without blabbing on too much... This is what a previous psychologist said to me before, and he was of course totally right. I have had these stages of loss in my life (with not a lot of people there in the first place, small family, small group of friends etc)... In losing my mother, and then my grandmother who I was very close to (and not in a pleasant way) and then moving countries and (my fault) losing my dad to some degree and my 2 friends that I had, and then only having my sister here, and losing her... I'm just by myself pretty much. Especially more so because my Dad remarried 5 years ago and since then, his wife has been the most important woman in his life and my sister got married a year ago, and her husband is the closest person in her life now... It's just me myself and I. Hence the obsessive thoughts of attention seeking etc, sadly, I just want to be cared and loved for and there is nobody here now that fulfills this necessity that all of us human beings need.

Anyway, I think I'll leave it at that because I am at work and starting to get tearful when writing this. But fells good to get all of this out. Thank you for listening.

---------- Post added at 03:49 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:47 PM ----------

That is 10 years of suppressed and pent up feelings that I've hardly ever talked about. And I wonder why I am in the situation that I am today!? And that's just one thing.
That lovely OCD started at this time also, aged 15. Not surprisingly.
That's just me thinking out loud

Do other people do this also!? For years, not realizing how much their issues haven't been dealt with and how much events and life situations have/are affecting them?

 

[Cat Dancer]

Yes. I think other people do this. I am older than you and just in the last 4 years or so started to deal with stuff and started to realize how it affected me.

I'm sorry about your mom. I think that's sad. It sounds like she has problems and unfortunately has hurt you because of that.

 

[AmZ]

Glad it's not just me then! Just surprised myself how much I wasn't aware of things in my own life.

Yeah, it's sad. To give birth to two children, her own flesh and blood, and not be able to have a relationship with us because of her own issues. Very sad. I, for years, put in the effort, along with my sister to really try with her and all we got was knock-backs. I don't expect an amazing relationship with her, just be in touch now and again, but it can't always be us 100% of the time getting in touch with her. To some degree, she has to do something in the other side of the relationship. We tried, because we also don't want to have regrets in life that we lost touch with her, but that is what is happening it seems, so we'd better be prepared that that will happen. I'll no doubt still have regrets later on in life, but really, it's a loosing battle with her, a lose-lose situation, so there is no other way, it seems to do anything about the relationship.

It's just me and my sister and our mum became a grandmother for the first time 6 weeks ago... Unfortunately, she lost the honor and enjoyment of being a grandmother, let alone a mother.

 

[Cat Dancer]

It is sad. And it definitely is not your fault or your sister's fault. Hopefully you come to terms with it someday and try not to have regrets. It is so hard to be at peace when you're dealing with frustrating/neglectful/abusive parents. I struggle with this too and I'm hoping one day it won't hurt so much.

 

[AmZ]

Thank you, you too

 

[AmZ]

If I may turn this away from being about me for a moment and talk about my sister in all of this also...

We have both been hurt by our mother because of the same event that happened and generally, how she was as a mother, not always easy with her being irrational sometimes and some other things.

However, we both hold different feelings (issues) towards her as even though in some ways, we had the same relationship with our mother, in some other ways, they were very different kinds of relationships with her. I worry about my sister sometimes even more than myself when it comes to think/see how we are affected by this.

For me, I was always closer with my mother as a child, like 'Mummy's girl' - So when all of what happened happened and she left, in some ways it was more difficult for me due to being closer to her, but at least I had a relationship with her before and felt some love as a child from her. In the case of my sister, this was not the case.

Not only was my Mother depressed when she was pregnant with my sister, she also had Postpartum depression after and found it very difficult to cope. She labeled my sister as being a 'nightmare baby/todler' (literally) as she cried all the time and was generally a 'difficult' baby/todler to deal with. With me, apparently, I was never crying and generally a very easy going baby/toddler compared to my sister.

Because of my mother's own issues, plus just the way nature is that some babies and toddlers are easier/more difficult to deal with than others, my mother had always had this weird 'grudge' towards my sister and was less attached/close to her. My sister still feels up to today that our mother feels like this, and to be honest, it's quite easy to see that's how our mother feels also. Both me and my sister remember one event in particular that my sister still talks about sometimes. My sister was 13 or so, and I was 12 at the time and we were out shopping. It was in December time so the shops were very busy and the queue for the cashier was very long. Our mother told my sister to wait in the queue whilst she carried on shopping, in almost a forceful/bullyish way and didn't even ask nicely. My sister started crying and our mother came along and in front of loads of people screamed "there is something wrong with you, I'm going to take you to the doctors!". It was really horrible, even for me to think of how and what she said. My sister must feel 10 times worse about it, I can only imagine.

So, not only was my sister 'abandoned' just like I was, but on top of that, she always felt rejected as a child, in to adulthood.
I worry for my sister as she became a mother for the first time herself only 7 weeks ago and I wonder if it's going to affect her both as a mother to her daughter and also how much she presently and in the future is/will still be affected by her relationship with her own mother.

 

[adaptive1]

It is kind of you to think of your sister, my sister and I also have had very different relationships with our mother, hers very close but almost smothering and me barely existed to her for reasons, that I won't get into, would take way too long.....but I know now that my sister has kids she is determined for the past not to repeat itself so she is extra careful around certain issues and she is a great mom, I bet your sister will be too. Somehow just reminding myself now that I am an adult that it wasnt my fault and basically I was in the wrong place at the wrong time seems to help, it certainly hurt my self esteem and made me feel like my needs werent important but I have gotten better with this with time. I also struggle with OCD thoughts that get better and then get worse at times but it is more tolerable than it ha been in the past as I learn how to deal with them.

 

[AmZ]

but I know now that my sister has kids she is determined for the past not to repeat itself so she is extra careful around certain issues and she is a great mom

That's at least what I hope for, for both me and my sister. To see our mother's mistakes and make sure that we don't do them. But of course, as much as we can be aware of this, there is still space for slip-up and not being aware enough. In saying that, we haven't been living and really that in touch with our mother since we were 15 and 16 years old now, so it's been 10 years. But still, I know that maybe me and my sister have tendencies like our mother has, and we need to stay aware of those and try our best to not be the same.

Somehow just reminding myself now that I am an adult that it wasnt my fault and basically I was in the wrong place at the wrong time seems to help, it certainly hurt my self esteem and made me feel like my needs werent important but I have gotten better with this with time

Am happy for you I hope that this will be the case also. That 'time is a healer' and maybe I can process some of this in therapy. My sister laughed the other day (but was being serious at the same time of course) and said that she could do with some therapy also about our mother. I think she'd actually do it if she had the time and money. I'm sure it affects us more than we even realize.

I also struggle with OCD thoughts that get better and then get worse at times but it is more tolerable than it ha been in the past as I learn how to deal with them.

Ah, tell me about it. Me too. You sound just like me, or I sound just like you Can't say the obsessive thinking about all these things helps me either.

Something difficult for me also is that my father got remarried about 4 years ago and since then, that's also been tough for me and my sister. Since he has been with his new wife, it's 'all about her'!! I like my step-mum so that's not an issue, (even though we live in a different country so only see them a couple of times a year for a week or two at a time), the issue is that I feel no love and affection from my Dad, because his wife is now the most important woman in his life, and now my sister got married a year ago and now her husband is the most important and closest person in her life, so no love and affection from her either... Then no mother there either... Just little old me feeling left out here. I of course don't expect the same kind of relationship that my Dad had with his wife, or sister with her husband, as these are totally different relationships of course (!), but just generally, I feel like everyone around me (and a very small amount of people) are kind of not even half there for me. People have their own lives and relationships and I guess this is just one of those things I need to deal with. Why should anything be any different? Maybe it's just me with the problem here and nobody else?

 

[texasgirl]

Your story is very touching and I hope someday that your mom will realize a path back to you and your sister. You both sound like lovely people and I think that you are doing well not to blame yourself for your mother's mistakes and choices. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. Take care.

TG

 

[AmZ]

Thank you for your such kind words texasgirl.

I hate to be negative, but I think it's a lost cause with her unfortunately.
At least, I have been pushed to think like this after years of trying to have too much faith in her that she will contact me and my sister and maintain some interest and contact with us. My sister told me for years that it wasn't going to happen and I kept trying to stand up for my mother, saying that she will come to her senses and she will do this and that... And unfortunately, each time, I was proven wrong.

This is why it's come to now me and my sister deciding that at least we are not going to be the ones to get in touch with her, because it's too hurtful and exhausting to be rejected every time from her and/or get told more broken promises from her.

I feel the 10 year (and counting) loss of a relationship with her (and in general any mother-daughter relationship) and the last few years, the other relationships have changed a lot also... So just finding things tough. Along with many other things.... grrr... Feel so messed up But things'll be OK Trying to have patience here.