Feeling so attached to my therapist... I can't cope

[poss]

Hi everyone,

I have just seen my therapist after a two week break. Those two weeks were really hard. I missed her SO much. My heart was almost aching. She has become a kind of mother figure to me and I greatly respect her and idolize her. She has been everything to me that my mother was not. She gives me constant support and encouragement and compliments me. I absolutely adore her. I know this is a strong transference reaction but at the same time I think I really do feel those things for her. She has a daughter a bit younger than me and whenever she talks about her, I find it so hard. I long for her to be my mum and feel really jealous of her daughter. I don't think she has any idea how I feel. I just can't cope with these feelings. It's driving me crazy. I find the week so long in between sessions now. I email her and sometimes she replies with a really caring response. I know that when I feel really alone and desperate that she is the only person in the world that can make me feel better. She's the most amazing person. I also know at the same time that she has to stay professional and that I can't call her in a crisis however much I want to. I think about her all the time. It's driving me nuts. Any advice anyone???

Thanks for reading,

Poss

 

[cinna]

Dear Pos.
I know exactly how you feel..and it is also very very common. I have been on enough forums to know that it's an issue that pains a lot of people.

I would like to tell you my suggestion to your problem. It is based on my experience, and the wisdom I gained, but also from reading other people's stories. I was in therapy for 1- 1/2 years, but am no longer. It is funny how when we are out of a situation, that we see things clearly. Having said that, I ask you take my suggestion, as a suggestion only. I ask you to listen to your intuition as to what's best for you..

So here is my opinion:

It is absolutely necessary for you to tell your therapist how you are feeling about her. For sure she has heard it before and she has been trained to know how to deal with it. Having transference is very valuable because, I think, it means that the therapist is doing a good job. Being able to work out your transference with your therapist, talking about it when necessary, helps you to learn a lot about yourself, and helps in your recovery! This is is not meant to keep within yourself and suffer to the point of despair. It will not go away. When you bring this to light with her, having spoken honestly about it, dealing with it, with her help, the intensity of your feelings will dampen, and eventually resolve..

So, if you don't tell your therapist, your emotions for her will just get bigger and bigger.. Overall it may very well hinder your therapy sessions because you are so wrapped up in feelings for her, rather than concentrating on the real problem of why you are seeing her in the first place! Also, and very importantly, holding on to these intense feelings and knowing that you cannot have a relationship with her, is going to ruin your health. I'm sure that is one more problem you don't need.. Believe me, I've been there. The body just cannot continue to bottle up such intense feelings. It builds up a pressure if you don't let it out. This is so contradictory to going to therapy..

If, you feel that you absolutely cannot tell your therapist your feelings.. whether because you don't trust her, or you don't know her well enough, and etc... then I tell you to get out immediately, and find yourself another therapist. Take this seriously, and believe me, the longer you stay, the more attached you will become.. making it harder to leave. Perhaps, if you find that you may always have strong transference problems with women because that is from whom you lacked love, then go to a man therapist instead. I've done that myself and it's worked out well.

Also, I posted a note on the PTSD section, and the thread entitled "Grounding Techniques". Please check it out if it interests you. I included a link to a free download that is an extremely simple meditation/observation exercise. If done daily, and in a short time (perhaps 2 weeks) it has the ability to help you detach from your therapist, clear your mind, and know what the right thing to do is. It has been extremely successful for me on this same issue and many others.. I’m sharing this very powerful exercise with everyone I know.

Wish you all the best. Hugs, Cinna

 

[poss]

Hi Cinna,

Thank you for responding and offering advice. It is much appreciated.

I hear what you are saying...it's just so hard. My feelings for my therapist are already getting in the way of therapy and have been for a long time. I just assumed that was all part of the process and that I could deal with it. But I can't anymore. I do know my therapist pretty well, we've been working together for over 3 years now but as I find it really hard to trust people, the relationship has only become alot stronger in the last 6 months or so, especially once I started emailing her my deepest thoughts. But still I can't imagine being able to tell her about this. How would I even start?? The other thing I forgot to mention is that she is taking a 4 week break this summer so I won't see her for 5 weeks and I don't know how I'm going to cope with that.

I feel like I'm in too deep and I have felt like this before. I am afraid of intimacy and relationships and getting too close to people in case they hurt me. Now it seems I am attached and can't let go.

Thanks for the suggestion...I am considering what I need to do.

Poss

 

[Daniel E.]

I feel like I'm in too deep and I have felt like this before. I am afraid of intimacy and relationships and getting too close to people in case they hurt me. Now it seems I am attached and can't let go.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't you mentioned that you have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder? If so, addressing these relationships issues in therapy, including your relationship with your therapist, is an expected and vital part of the treatment.

 

[poss]

Yes I do have BPD. And I know that since relationships are what I struggle with, the therapeutic relationship is really important and a useful tool to understand myself more and learn about how a healthy relationship can work. That doesn't mean that it's easy though. it's not always easy to do what you 'should' do.

 

[Daniel E.]

That doesn't mean that it's easy though. it's not always easy to do what you 'should' do.

Yes, I know.

Part of my point is that you seem to be wary of being judged by your therapist for having these feelings. But the fact is that it is par for the course with your disorder to have these exact feelings.

 

[poss]

Yes I see your point Daniel. Thanks. You are right, I do fear her reaction and judgement on everything I say and do. I also worry that she will change her behaviour so that I don't stay so attached, as in stop treating me in the caring way that she does. I wouldn't want her to change.

Poss

 

[cinna]

Hi Poss.

I hear what you are saying...it's just so hard. My feelings for my therapist are already getting in the way of therapy and have been for a long time. I just assumed that was all part of the process and that I could deal with it. But I can't anymore

The fact that you know you can't do it anymore, means that this thought was a lie in part. Yes, transference, if it happens, is part of the process of therapy, and can be very valuable, but it must be talked about, dealt and worked out with the therapist.

I do know my therapist pretty well, we've been working together for over 3 years now but as I find it really hard to trust people, the relationship has only become alot stronger in the last 6 months or so, especially once I started emailing her my deepest thoughts.

Yes, that's right. This is how it happened to me, too. The more I opened up, the bond just kept getting stronger. That's normal.

But still I can't imagine being able to tell her about this. How would I even start?? The other thing I forgot to mention is that she is taking a 4 week break this summer so I won't see her for 5 weeks and I don't know how I'm going to cope with that.

I can only say that when I felt I couldn't go on anymore not saying anything, I decided to just take a leap of faith, so to speak. Being on other forums, I had read of several countless stories by people who were scared of the same thing, and they had good successes when they told their therapists. I took that into account as well, and it helped me to take that leap of faith. If I can suggest anything, how about just starting off really small and basic without revealing too much.. Even if you wrote it down and handed it to her? and then see what her reaction is.. Then if she responds and makes you comfortable you can reveal more.. A little at a time.. gaining her confidence and trust.. This is how I did it. Unfortunately, though, my situation was very different than yours because my therapist also had feelings for me. It ended up that I had to leave because my transference could not be worked out the proper way. There was too much temptation.

'I feel like I'm too deep and I have felt like this before. I am afraid of intimacy and relationships and getting too close to people in case they hurt me. Now it seems I am attached and can't let go.'
I know the feelings. I was exactly the same way. The only thing I can suggest is the meditation/observation exercise. It helped me to see him and the situation objectively. I let him go in a positive light..

Take Care, Cinna

Yes I see your point Daniel. Thanks. You are right, I do fear her reaction and judgement on everything I say and do. I also worry that she will change her behaviour so that I don't stay so attached, as in stop treating me in the caring way that she does. I wouldn't want her to change

.
Poss, your therapist's description from everything written in your 1st note, sounds like a beautiful person. I really cannot see her judging you the way you fear. If she deals with it correctly, your relationship will become better. She will help to empower you. Your attachment is making you miserable. Trust the process. I know, easy for me to say..

Take Care, Cinna

 

[Daniel E.]

BTW, regarding transference:

A New Look at Transference

One central dilemma that troubles many patients (and troubles therapists as they try to work with these patients) involves the search for the right emotional distance. Therapy needs to be intense enough to be emotionally meaningful, but with enough distance to make sense of what is going on. (In psychodynamic psychotherapy, this is the problem of dealing with the transference and countertransference.)

Some examples of how this shows up in DBT-informed work are listed below:

- Thesis: I need to be close in order to feel loved. If I am not close enough, I feel unloved and unlovable.
- Antithesis: When I am close, I feel terribly vulnerable to being hurt (e.g.-abandoned, suffocated, scorned.)

- Thesis: I want my therapist to love me in a special way (which may be maternal, paternal, sexual or in some other way.)
- Antithesis: I need my therapist to maintain objectivity so she can help me with the problems I came to therapy with.

- Thesis: My feelings for my therapist are real and deserve to be recognized as such.
- Antithesis: My feelings for my therapist are a repetition of past relationships that have not worked well for me in my adult life. I need to understand these patterns and master them.

The focus on dialectical thinking in therapy can be very useful in engaging these dilemmas in ways that eventually lead to productive work. Both thesis and antithesis are true, yet both need to be recognized in relationship to the other to get a more complete picture. Taking only one side is a pathway towards acting out, fleeing treatment, or stalemate. The work towards creative synthesis of these and similar dilemmas, along with the development of practical skills in managing emotional and interpersonal life, is the essence of all good therapy.

Dialectical Thinking

 

[poss]

Thank you, Daniel. That's very interesting and very similar to what I am experiencing now.

 

[Marcel]

Hi Poss - five weeks is a long time but it sounds like you still have a bit of time to try to deal with this before your therapist goes on vacation....so there is still hope you can find a workable solution before the dreaded separation.

Last year when my therapist told me about her upcoming vacation, I didn't even want to see her again until AFTER her vacation - it hurt too much to know I wouldn't be able to see her for so long, that I wanted to just avoid her completely until the impending separation was over. When I told her I wanted to stop therapy until she returned from vacation (even though we were still several weeks away from the vacation even starting), she expressed her concerns over this and set about finding a solution that would work for both of us. She proposed various options such as telephone sessions, communication by email, and if it could be coordinated with her vacation plans, in person sessions at times that were convenient with her(not as frequent as regular sessions, but spaced out across her vacation). I opted for the latter. And as part of the negotiation,I agreed to continue with regular therapy in the period before her vacation as well.

Your therapist might agree to some sort of contact during her vacation as well, especially if she knows how much her impending vacation is affecting you. My therapist was not aware (prior to me asking to stop therapy for the summer) that I was having as much difficulty with her vacation as I was. I think you need to tell her...you are already facing a five week break so talking to her won't make it any longer....but it might help to shorten it, or provide you with additional support in some way. My therapist was also trained in dealing with people BPD so she was aware of the issues connected with this.

 

[poss]

Hi again,

Cinna, thank you very much for your advice and comments. You have been really helpful. I know I have to trust in the process and I think I do believe that it would work out. It just makes me feel so vulnerable and almost embarrassed to admit to my feelings. I don't know how to put it into words. What do I say? "I really like you" ?? I have no idea.

Buffy, thanks for sharing your experience of a break from therapy. My therapist has said that if the break makes me anxious then I should talk to her about it. I don't know if she would allow or suggest any contact during the break, but I have nothing to lose by telling her how I feel. So I think I will try to voice y concerns. Maybe that would be an easier way to start the conversation about my dependency on her...

Poss