I am feeling so alone and so defeated in dealing with complex PTSD. In my life I have had my share of traumas and abuse. I was molested by my brother at the age of 12. Mother was dysfunctional and saw nothing wrong with this. I left home the night that I graduated high school right into the arms of another abuser who sexually, mentally and physically abused me everyday. Tried to leave more than 20 times but each time he would physically assault my sister and her young family so I stayed in the relationship to protect them. In this relationship, I was raped repeatedly by my ex, as well as raped by his friends. They would give my ex drugs in turn for raping me. I was kicked, punched, stabbed, choked, poured hot water on my head as I slept. He locked me in the house, and set it on fire. He attacked me in my car with an axe, and totally demolished my car. The doctors at the hospital were picking glass out of my body for days.
I finally got the courage to up and leave this relationship in 1994. when he left me on a highway to freeze to death. I was taken to the hospital where I learned that I was pregnant. Not wanting the baby because of how it was conceived, I terminated the pregnancy. After I left, I was then stalked by him for 11 years, he would go with me to the university and sit across from me, when I was in class. He would follow me home, attack me when I got out of my car. He several times broke into my car and when I got him, he would choke me because he was hiding in the back seat. When this ******* finally died of a drug overdose, he had my name in his wallet as the contact person for next of kin. Since 2005 I have not had to look over my shoulder for him, and this has been such a blessing.
I have tried to get past all that has happened to me, but it is not easy. I was in therapy from 2008 - 2010 - was doing fine, until my parents passed away then all the trauma came back at me in full force.
I am now in a happy relationship with a man, we have been together for over ten years. We have no kids, but we have two dogs.
Currently I am in a rehab center because the vehicle that I was in, was slammed into by a hit and run driver. My injuries are severe, neck, spine and back injuries. Hopefully I can return to work, even part time would be a start.
Right now, I am plagued with the nightmares, the day time version of nightmare, flashbacks, visuals, images. For what ever reason, I am trying to work through them, but for the most part the images are constant in my head. All I see is the trauma, where the trauma took place, I can see it all happening to me all over again, I can smell the cologne that they were wearing when they were raping me, I can hear what they are saying to me, I can mentally see the house and the rooms in which the trauma took place.
I feel as though I am losing my mind, with this in my head. I am on some meds to help me deal with all of this, but still I cant help by see all the abuse and all the trauma. I know that I will never forget what all has happened to me, but all I am asking is for a holiday away from this stuff that I call ****. I am working with a cognitive behavioral therapist who is great. Without him, I don't even want to think what my life would be like.
But he feels that he cant help me with the issues that I am having. I am not sure who to turn to anymore. He says that I need a more specialized treatment. I am not sure what this means. I really don't want to have to start again with another therapist. It is very hard for me to open up to people with my life, because I feel like such a bad person for allowing this all to happen to me.
Sorry for the long winded post, but I am just feeling so alone, so defeated....
Anyone can offer some advice or kind words would be great, as I am really needing someone to understand someone to care
thank you in advance.
I finally got the courage to up and leave this relationship in 1994. when he left me on a highway to freeze to death. I was taken to the hospital where I learned that I was pregnant. Not wanting the baby because of how it was conceived, I terminated the pregnancy. After I left, I was then stalked by him for 11 years, he would go with me to the university and sit across from me, when I was in class. He would follow me home, attack me when I got out of my car. He several times broke into my car and when I got him, he would choke me because he was hiding in the back seat. When this ******* finally died of a drug overdose, he had my name in his wallet as the contact person for next of kin. Since 2005 I have not had to look over my shoulder for him, and this has been such a blessing.
I have tried to get past all that has happened to me, but it is not easy. I was in therapy from 2008 - 2010 - was doing fine, until my parents passed away then all the trauma came back at me in full force.
I am now in a happy relationship with a man, we have been together for over ten years. We have no kids, but we have two dogs.
Currently I am in a rehab center because the vehicle that I was in, was slammed into by a hit and run driver. My injuries are severe, neck, spine and back injuries. Hopefully I can return to work, even part time would be a start.
Right now, I am plagued with the nightmares, the day time version of nightmare, flashbacks, visuals, images. For what ever reason, I am trying to work through them, but for the most part the images are constant in my head. All I see is the trauma, where the trauma took place, I can see it all happening to me all over again, I can smell the cologne that they were wearing when they were raping me, I can hear what they are saying to me, I can mentally see the house and the rooms in which the trauma took place.
I feel as though I am losing my mind, with this in my head. I am on some meds to help me deal with all of this, but still I cant help by see all the abuse and all the trauma. I know that I will never forget what all has happened to me, but all I am asking is for a holiday away from this stuff that I call ****. I am working with a cognitive behavioral therapist who is great. Without him, I don't even want to think what my life would be like.
But he feels that he cant help me with the issues that I am having. I am not sure who to turn to anymore. He says that I need a more specialized treatment. I am not sure what this means. I really don't want to have to start again with another therapist. It is very hard for me to open up to people with my life, because I feel like such a bad person for allowing this all to happen to me.
Sorry for the long winded post, but I am just feeling so alone, so defeated....
Anyone can offer some advice or kind words would be great, as I am really needing someone to understand someone to care
thank you in advance.
