Feeling so inadequate...

[longstrangetrip]

I have suffered with social anxiety for quite some time now, but lately it has gotten worse. I feel so inadequate. I feel like everyone thinks I'm crazy or weird or beneath them. I'm only comfortable alone now, and I know this isn't healthy, but I've lost pretty much all my friends, so that's the way it is. Even if they were still around, it would be a rarity that I could do much in the way of being social.

Today is particularly bad because all those negative thoughts were kind of confirmed in a nasty email a neighbor send me regarding an email I sent our community about my concerns that a utility company claimed our community owed a tremendous amount of money to them. His reply was unnecessarily mean with name calling implying I'm crazy. It just made me feel like no matter what I do, I manage to do something wrong. People just seem mean spirited now more than ever.

I guess what I'm looking for is a little kindness and compassion, a little understanding and some encouraging words to take the sting away. Those things are sorely lacking in my life.

 

[braveheart]

You've done nothing wrong, I don't think. He was just stirred up by something and took it out on you.
I suffer from episodes of severe social anxiety/paranoia and feel that life would be far smoother if people pre-judged me less, because, for me, I get into a whole re-traumatisation/projection spiral that mirrors my past, and tangles up things more.
I can totally empathise with the ache for kindness, warmth and compassion. It makes all the difference when people respect you, and it helps to build up self respect. Both intertwine for change to take place.

I'm not explaining myself as well as I would like, and I'm sorry about that.

 

[longstrangetrip]

Thanks for your reply. It's amazing how vulnerable I can be at times. I understand what you say about respect and self respect. I think that feeds into my anxiety disorder. It's odd how complex social anxiety really is. There are many different threads of varying degrees. Anyway, I think to be attacked like that by a stranger really just makes me want to retreat. It makes me feel ashamed of myself when really it should just remind me there are jerks in the world. Anyway, thanks again for your reply.

 

[Into The Light]

you have nothing to be ashamed of. you spoke up in a situation where you felt the community was being taken advantage of by the utility company. speaking up isn't always easy, so i think you should be proud of yourself for that.

for a stranger to treat you the way he did says more about him than about you.

 

[longstrangetrip]

Thanks. I know intellectually you are right, but emotionally? If I weren't in state of anxiety (sometimes I do get somewhat of a reprieve) it wouldn't affect me so much. I know he's a jerk, but I seem to be quite adept at finding jerks . That really puts my social anxiety on a whole new level. It's just another reason to hide from the world. I know I can't think like that, and I know I'll snap out of that mindset eventually, but it's just so upsetting when your fear of people is supported by their rudeness.

Anyway, I appreciate your response. It really does help a lot.

 

[Into The Light]

i know it's difficult to emotionally accept it that he was just being a jerk. you're in a vulnerable place right now so anything like this is going to have a negative impact on you.

are you seeing a therapist by any chance?

 

[longstrangetrip]

No. I can't afford a therapist right now and the ones that I've seen in the past (and there have been many) have really not helped that much and in some cases worsened the situation. (focusing on depression when the anxiety is worse, doping me up with drugs once they realize the anxiety is a majpr problem and I'm a zombie)
It's in my intuition, I know when to retreat. I'm the type that licks her wounds for a while, then comes out fighting...:hissyfit: I've got a S.A.D fight or flight instinct which I can't really explain. I think the fight part is fighting this condition. It's surviving anxiety as well as drawing lines in the sand. "Don't cross this line, you've gone far enough, and I'm not kidding now." It's not a social skill, far from it. It's the polar opposite, BUT being able to confront people (and that's what I'm talking about when I say "fight". I've never been in a physical fight in my life), and tell them to back off I can do when I'm in that zone. I can do it very well, in fact, WHEN I'm in that zone, but it gets me what S.A.D wants...solitude. The question is, is that what I really want? In a perfect world no, HECK NO! In reality? I'm thinking more and more yes....
Sorry I'm babbling...I just needed to vent...sorry...

 

[Halo]

Longstrangetrip (LST)

Please don't ever feel the need to apologize for venting or babbling on here. Sometimes that is exactly what one needs to do and that is what this forum is here for. Just letting your thoughts and feelings out knowing that you are not going to be judged or pounced on for them and that is a wonderful feeling. Keep doing what you are doing here and no doubt you will find the support here.

Take care

 

[braveheart]

I understand about the 'fight' part - as a survivor of long term bullying, and who has part of me who feels any social situation is a threat, that 'keep away from me or I'll attack' kind of mode is something I sadly know very well. And it doesn't really protect you in the long run, either.

 

[longstrangetrip]

Yes, you are right, Braveheart. I do believe it's important to stand up for yourself, but there's a difference between doing just that and believing that every social situation is a potential threat and you must be prepared for it. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. Lately, I've just been avoiding everyone so as not to have to deal with that and all the other aspects of my social anxiety. That's certainly not going in the right direction either. Even though I'm certainly no Pollyanna, I do believe things will improve for me somewhat. I guess I have to believe that because if they get any worse, I'll be a literal recluse.

I'm sorry that you were a victim of bullying, by the way. That must have been terribly difficult. You have obviously come through it as a compassionate soul which is a triumph of its own. I have a neighbor who was a victim of bullying and her experience has made her quite the opposite.

One thing I've noticed during my short time here at Psychlinks is that even though it's really painful not to have people in my life who can understand my struggle with anxiety and depression, it makes me so much more grateful for those of you who do. It means a lot to me for someone to take the time to show me kindness, compassion and understanding. I really appreciate everyone for doing that.

Longstrangetrip (LST)

Please don't ever feel the need to apologize for venting or babbling on here. Sometimes that is exactly what one needs to do and that is what this forum is here for. Just letting your thoughts and feelings out knowing that you are not going to be judged or pounced on for them and that is a wonderful feeling. Keep doing what you are doing here and no doubt you will find the support here.

Take care

*************************************************

Thank you. I guess I'm not used to not feeling self conscious and guilty about venting or babbling.