Feeling so unable to cope, and unsure of how I can change this feeling

[HotthenCold]

Hi all,

Not sure where to start since I want to give you a history of my issues and triumphs in order to satisfy my ego, but....that would be a rambling mess and make very little sense.

So, I'll tell you what I can, as succinctly as I can.

I am experiencing very sever rage, and have been for some time.

I have been working on depression, addiction, self esteem, OCD, paranoia, social anxiety, etc, for a while...

I obsess over things i.e- flaws, regrets, desires, arguments to the point where I feel the own me and the best I can do is ignore them, which feels like repression, which fuels anger.

I just completed an addiction treatment program and have made some significant changes to my lifestyle

I tend to get so confused, angry, and distressed by thoughts that I don't know where to turn. When I try and make sense of the the distressing thoughts i.e- articulate them, share them, journal them, I seem to lose the essence of "the issue" and feel like I am trapped with "the thoughts"

I have a low stress tolerance. Small amounts of stress are presented and I rage, or get depressed, which leads to suicidal ideation and foul behaviour.

I feel useless and unable to change. I am taking steps, but I often feel I should be doing more. Sometimes I feel as if change isn't possible for me, like I'm just too damn lazy and will push away everyone who wants to help by being so indifferent and lazy when I've asked for help. This is a BIG issue, as it affects my whole outlook. When I feel like I can do this, I feel okay about everything, but often I feel totally useless, afraid, and helpless.

Any insights on treatment options or strategies based on what I've shared?

 

[W00BY]

The very fact you have just finished a treatment program is a massive positive (even though right now it may not feel like it) well done!

With these positive moves comes both uncharted territory, new ways of being , behaving, feeling and those around us who where part of our former lives reactions also to these new steps we are taking.

It creates an understandable sense of uncertainty and anxiety, which sometimes makes us step back into patterns of behavior which we find comfortable i.e guilt, self blame etc...

I have said else where in this forum that I found my own therapy, and help I sought, had the effect of peak and troughs but now I am a bit further on I would liken it more to a tide coming and going on a beach....

Each wave laps slightly further up the beach but then recedes but just slightly less than before.

I found during my own therapy that I would make sometimes quite marked progressed but then be marred with moments like you are experiencing.

I think of it now as the mind just reordering it's self as you create space as you throw out all the junk.

The key thing is to keep up the momentum whilst listening to yourself and by this I mean rather than telling yourself your "lazy" give yourself the permission to take a couple of days off admit your feeling stressed and tell yourself that it's all okay!

Which it is!

No matter how small the momentum forward is, it is still going forward... on days where I been in the house for the days I would force myself to go out, it may seem like nothing to others but to me it was another step forward on the road to new patterns of being (pardon the pun).

I takes time after therapy for your head to get round absolutely everything that has happened and even now I have not seen my therapist in 4 months and I am still changing and evolving due to the sessions with her.

And I do still have my good and bad days but I am more accepting of them.

I, again in these forums have talked about default behavior, mines is to blame myself when things are going wrong and an intense need to fix situations no matter what they are and keep every one around me happy, the list of behaviors you have described above may simply be defaults that you will through time be able to control better and have simply become more aware of because of the therapy process.

Self awareness is as stressful as it is helpful and I think what your feeling at the moment is a natural part of therapy, not necessarily nice, but a part of it just the same.

Again well done on the completion of your addiction therapy which is a HUGE step forward in it's own right!

Keep going!

 

[forgetmenot]

Sometimes hun we don't see the changes that have happen that are happening to us. You have self awareness that is positive you want to get better that is positive too hun
You anger have you obtained any therapy to help you change how you react to stressful situations Anger can be positive if used in right way only short term though
Try to live in the moment ok try not to get so worried about what will come just do your best each day that is all one can do hun.

Don't be so hard on you ok as said what a great accomplishment addiction therapy one step at a time ok You are moving forward hun way to go.

 

[Meg]

It's great that you're being proactive and that you've already made some changes

I wondered whether you might find some of the readings posted in this thread might be interesting to you...

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/acceptan...rom-the-happiness-trap-and-act-with-love.html

 

[HotthenCold]

I think of it now as the mind just reordering it's self as you create space as you throw out all the junk.

Thanks for the nice response

I like what you've said about reordering and discarding. I think that's how I view it too, I just never put it in to words. I just get SO down when things are getting to me that I kind of panic. I see that there is a lesson in that though, it reminds me of how much work I have left to do, and it also confirms that I'm not being crazy or wasting my time for making these changes.I often feel like I'm wasting my time healing, which stems from a fear that I "should" be partying and living a "normal" life, and also from a fear that therapy, healing, etc is for "the weak". It's just an old bully of a belief that I've internalized that pops up fairly often.

---------- Post Merged at 07:31 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 07:29 PM ----------

I'm gonna check this excerpt out, thanks! I also just got a call from the library that a book I put on hold is in. I heard about it here, it's called Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy....Can't wait to go pick it up!

 

[W00BY]

I get you on the panic sensation.

What I think is that we tell ourselves we are in therapy therefore we are "fixing ourselves" not realizing that part of this fixing is actually very stressful not nice and at times incredibly unpredictable both on us emotionally and mentally.

That for me is where the panic would set in when I felt drained and down confused even, more so if this happened after a few good and productive sessions.

The hardest part of therapy was accepting not everything I feel should be fixed, can be fixed... but it was the best part of the therapy with regard to the release I felt from the many sensations that had burdened me once I had came to terms with this fact.

Once again well done with your therapy it's no easy task completing such stuff!

 

[Darkside]

I've been feeling the same way a lot lately. (Or I am just more aware of it.) I have noticed I take so many things personally and react with self-hatred/anger or I lash out at people I think are attacking me. I know its a perception and "processing" problem because there is almost never any rational reason for my fears. Sometimes I think by taking everything so personally I actually create the circumstances that fuel this thinking and feeling.

One thing that I have noticed that seems to "cure" the feeling ... at least temporarily ... is to do something kind for someone else. Something unexpected ... something they didn't ask me to do. Helping an elderly person with a large bag, picking up something someone dropped accidentally, volunteering to help a co-worker with a project ... things like that.

But if anyone discovers a "permanent cure" or even just strategies for dealing with feelings of paranoia, defensiveness, and taking everything personally, and all the bad feelings that go along with it, please share.

Is there any connection between feeling this way as an adult and childhood abuse? My father was the same way and it got to the point at the end of his life that no one wanted to be around him because he took EVERYTHING personally.

God I don't want to end up that way.

 

[MHealthJo]

The CBT perspectives from the book HotthenCold mentioned could be very useful to you, Darkside - as well as other books from the same CBT-focused writer. I am not sure if he (David Burns) has some other books that have a more definite anxiety focus or anger focus... Feeling Good covers a variety of common trouble spots, buts its overall focus is the things that come with depression and shaky self-esteem.

Practiced a little every day, CBT absolutely can change the 'automatic patterns' one's brain tends to engage in.

If interested, definitely work on the CBT techniques daily for a good couple of months, and see what happens...

Another very accessible way to practice CBT is Cognitive Diary, a great little Android app.

Hope you're feeling a bit better soon. And you're right - those simple acts of kindness are another excellent way to get those positive brain pathways firing.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

The CBT perspectives from the book HotthenCold mentioned could be very useful to you, Darkside - as well as other books from the same CBT-focused writer. I am not sure if he (David Burns) has some other books that have a more definite anxiety focus or anger focus... Feeling Good covers a variety of common trouble spots, buts its overall focus is the things that come with depression and shaky self-esteem.

He does:

When Panic Attacks: The New, Drug-Free Anxiety Therapy That Can Change Your Life

Ten Days to Self-Esteem

Feeling Good Together: The Secret to Making Troubled Relationships Work

Intimate Connections

The Feeling Good Handbook (includes chapters on anger, self-esteem, shyness, etc.)