Bumblebean
Member
I hope this is the right place to post.
About 2 years ago my physical problems had gotten so bad that someone started trying to find a volunteer to take me for errands once in a while. Very quickly someone came forward. She seemed really nice and seemed to take to me and I liked her almost straight away, so there was me thinking everything was tickety-boo. Then this winter she went away on holidays and said she'd be in touch when she got back, only today I find out as I'm hobbling around doing my errands and trying not to pass out from the pain, that she's been back for almost three months and not gotten in touch with me. I can guess at reasons, volunteer burn-out maybe being top of the list, but I'm feeling hurt and rejected and worthless. In the meantime, the person who asked around for volunteers straight away after she'd found that volunteer seemed not to want any more contact with me, not even for me to say thank you. I guess she feels she's done her part and wants to get on with her life. I have lost count of the times people who came forward offering help - not a case of me going to them and ASKING for help - who suddenly drop out of my life. Them and so many friends and relatives. I guess that's life. Well, for some, at any rate. Do I have to say this is not helpful when it comes to me trying to stay on top of my depression? Do I have to say I think I'm a stupid sap to like people and want to trust them?
Every time I see yet another person pulling back from me, it's like adding another brick to the wall growing around me. Every time this happens I have to fight against feeling like barely-human garbage all over again, but no matter what, I can't kick those bricks down again. I only just hope, each time it happens, that there turns out to be some reason besides the fact that people don't like being around me - unless they're wanting to tell me their problems - but over time it's getting harder to find something positive about myself. I'm running out of reasons to care. I know myself pretty well and I don't THINK I'm a bad person, but I guess there's something I'm not seeing because always people seem to be running away from me in droves. It makes me want to just hide away and never have to see anyone. Whenever I hear about someone with friends and family who love them falling sick with something fatal, a big part of me wishes I could take that sickness from them. Let that person have their happy life filled with love and set me free from this living death.
Just a little ray of sunshine today, that's me ...
:hopelessness:
BB
About 2 years ago my physical problems had gotten so bad that someone started trying to find a volunteer to take me for errands once in a while. Very quickly someone came forward. She seemed really nice and seemed to take to me and I liked her almost straight away, so there was me thinking everything was tickety-boo. Then this winter she went away on holidays and said she'd be in touch when she got back, only today I find out as I'm hobbling around doing my errands and trying not to pass out from the pain, that she's been back for almost three months and not gotten in touch with me. I can guess at reasons, volunteer burn-out maybe being top of the list, but I'm feeling hurt and rejected and worthless. In the meantime, the person who asked around for volunteers straight away after she'd found that volunteer seemed not to want any more contact with me, not even for me to say thank you. I guess she feels she's done her part and wants to get on with her life. I have lost count of the times people who came forward offering help - not a case of me going to them and ASKING for help - who suddenly drop out of my life. Them and so many friends and relatives. I guess that's life. Well, for some, at any rate. Do I have to say this is not helpful when it comes to me trying to stay on top of my depression? Do I have to say I think I'm a stupid sap to like people and want to trust them?
Every time I see yet another person pulling back from me, it's like adding another brick to the wall growing around me. Every time this happens I have to fight against feeling like barely-human garbage all over again, but no matter what, I can't kick those bricks down again. I only just hope, each time it happens, that there turns out to be some reason besides the fact that people don't like being around me - unless they're wanting to tell me their problems - but over time it's getting harder to find something positive about myself. I'm running out of reasons to care. I know myself pretty well and I don't THINK I'm a bad person, but I guess there's something I'm not seeing because always people seem to be running away from me in droves. It makes me want to just hide away and never have to see anyone. Whenever I hear about someone with friends and family who love them falling sick with something fatal, a big part of me wishes I could take that sickness from them. Let that person have their happy life filled with love and set me free from this living death.
Just a little ray of sunshine today, that's me ...
:hopelessness:
BB