Hi all,
Glad I found this site. Been reading it all day.
Yesterday my relationship ended and it's been about 24 hours now of intense pain and grief.
We'd been together for about 2 years until about a year ago, when we started drifting apart (I'm 50 and she's 42). We didn't do a formal "break-up", we just saw each other less and less. We are both responsible for that, but most of the blame lies with me I'm afraid. In the previous year I had shut down emotionally, due to a recurring depression and a dissatisfaction with her (that's what I think, anyway).
So: earlier this year the depression started to get deeper. I just lost any sense of joy, of enjoyment of the things I normally like to do. I finally decided to deal with it, and started seeing a counselor. And I started to wake up from this emotional and psychological shutdown
Through all of this reflection, I started to realize that I still loved her. More than ever, in fact. So last week I went to her and told her that. I told her that I was so so sorry for being crappy to her and hurting her so often. I told her that I realize now the hole I was in, and was getting myself out of it. I told her that I wanted to marry her.
She said that she is in a good place, and besides, she has this "bond" with her ex-husband (they were divorced 29 years ago) and she can't be involved with anyone (she never mentioned this until now). My more cynical side thinks it has to do with the fact that her ex is rich and getting older and not in great health. Maybe she has an agreement with him, or maybe she knows that if she stays single she'll get more of his money. Or maybe, maybe it's because they have a grown son together that she likes it that way - they still have holiday dinners together.
But even with that, we ended up spending the night together holding each other and laughing and crying. It was bliss for me. But then in the morning she repeated what she said last night about her ex and how we couldn't get back together. Not now.. not at this time.
For a couple of days I thought I could overcome the "ex-husband bond" hurdle and I made this big plan to become the Real Me, not the depressed jerk I was. It would take a while – I'd keep seeing a counselor and learn and change and get myself physically fit – but eventually she would come to love me and want me again and we’d live happily ever after. And if it didn’t work, well, I would have transformed myself into the Real Me and I would be in great shape. This is great. What a great plan. What could go wrong?
For the next few days we texted and emailed each other a few times. She said that she "wouldn't mind continuing to talk with me if I understood that it probably wouldn't change the outcome (emphasis mine). The "probably" part was huge; I thought she was opening the door, that she was holding out a possibilty. It gave me hope.
But after a few days of waiting by the phone and my email, and being crushed when she didn't respond or responded kind of cooly, I realized that I just couldn't take this anymore, this anxiety, this clinging, this neediness. When we had lunch yesterday she talked about her ex - and her ex-boyfriend. Kind of cruel, really. So last night I emailed her a heartfelt note about how I loved her and I hated to do this, but that I couldn't keep talking to her because the pain was so intense. She responded with a rather cold reply about how, yes, we were in very different places with this thing, and please call her when I am ready.
So I'm crushed and am thinking about her and us endlessly. Going down into the basement bathroom and closing the door and bawling in the utter darkness. Not being able to eat or sleep. Despair. Hating myself for letting her go in the first place. But here's the worst: I really believe that this could have worked, that we could have been very happy and very lucky for the rest of our lives. In all previous break-ups, I believed it was for the best even though it hurts. In this one, all I feel is hopelessness - here I had the chance to be with the right woman for the rest of my life and I blew it. The longing is so intense. Feel a little bit better and then a memory pops up and another crying spell.
So (finally), here are my questions: how do you get over something like this when you are convinced that this would have been great? I don't think it's the separation anxiety saying that; my head really believes it and has for some time now. How do you get over the realization that it was your fault - you could have had this if you hadn't been such a lame depressed guy so often? And have you ever heard of a "bond" with an ex-husband that doesn't allow the person to be in love with anyone else?
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. The first few days really hurt.
---------- Post added at 05:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:45 PM ----------
Re-reading this, it might sound as though I felt that I deserved to be taken back after I had sort of let her go. That's really not the case; I didn't expect that of her and the first thing told her that I would totally understand if she had moved on. It's just that it seemed she kinda sorta was keeping the door open. She did let me into her bed, after all.
Glad I found this site. Been reading it all day.
Yesterday my relationship ended and it's been about 24 hours now of intense pain and grief.
We'd been together for about 2 years until about a year ago, when we started drifting apart (I'm 50 and she's 42). We didn't do a formal "break-up", we just saw each other less and less. We are both responsible for that, but most of the blame lies with me I'm afraid. In the previous year I had shut down emotionally, due to a recurring depression and a dissatisfaction with her (that's what I think, anyway).
So: earlier this year the depression started to get deeper. I just lost any sense of joy, of enjoyment of the things I normally like to do. I finally decided to deal with it, and started seeing a counselor. And I started to wake up from this emotional and psychological shutdown
Through all of this reflection, I started to realize that I still loved her. More than ever, in fact. So last week I went to her and told her that. I told her that I was so so sorry for being crappy to her and hurting her so often. I told her that I realize now the hole I was in, and was getting myself out of it. I told her that I wanted to marry her.
She said that she is in a good place, and besides, she has this "bond" with her ex-husband (they were divorced 29 years ago) and she can't be involved with anyone (she never mentioned this until now). My more cynical side thinks it has to do with the fact that her ex is rich and getting older and not in great health. Maybe she has an agreement with him, or maybe she knows that if she stays single she'll get more of his money. Or maybe, maybe it's because they have a grown son together that she likes it that way - they still have holiday dinners together.
But even with that, we ended up spending the night together holding each other and laughing and crying. It was bliss for me. But then in the morning she repeated what she said last night about her ex and how we couldn't get back together. Not now.. not at this time.
For a couple of days I thought I could overcome the "ex-husband bond" hurdle and I made this big plan to become the Real Me, not the depressed jerk I was. It would take a while – I'd keep seeing a counselor and learn and change and get myself physically fit – but eventually she would come to love me and want me again and we’d live happily ever after. And if it didn’t work, well, I would have transformed myself into the Real Me and I would be in great shape. This is great. What a great plan. What could go wrong?
For the next few days we texted and emailed each other a few times. She said that she "wouldn't mind continuing to talk with me if I understood that it probably wouldn't change the outcome (emphasis mine). The "probably" part was huge; I thought she was opening the door, that she was holding out a possibilty. It gave me hope.
But after a few days of waiting by the phone and my email, and being crushed when she didn't respond or responded kind of cooly, I realized that I just couldn't take this anymore, this anxiety, this clinging, this neediness. When we had lunch yesterday she talked about her ex - and her ex-boyfriend. Kind of cruel, really. So last night I emailed her a heartfelt note about how I loved her and I hated to do this, but that I couldn't keep talking to her because the pain was so intense. She responded with a rather cold reply about how, yes, we were in very different places with this thing, and please call her when I am ready.
So I'm crushed and am thinking about her and us endlessly. Going down into the basement bathroom and closing the door and bawling in the utter darkness. Not being able to eat or sleep. Despair. Hating myself for letting her go in the first place. But here's the worst: I really believe that this could have worked, that we could have been very happy and very lucky for the rest of our lives. In all previous break-ups, I believed it was for the best even though it hurts. In this one, all I feel is hopelessness - here I had the chance to be with the right woman for the rest of my life and I blew it. The longing is so intense. Feel a little bit better and then a memory pops up and another crying spell.
So (finally), here are my questions: how do you get over something like this when you are convinced that this would have been great? I don't think it's the separation anxiety saying that; my head really believes it and has for some time now. How do you get over the realization that it was your fault - you could have had this if you hadn't been such a lame depressed guy so often? And have you ever heard of a "bond" with an ex-husband that doesn't allow the person to be in love with anyone else?
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. The first few days really hurt.
---------- Post added at 05:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:45 PM ----------
Re-reading this, it might sound as though I felt that I deserved to be taken back after I had sort of let her go. That's really not the case; I didn't expect that of her and the first thing told her that I would totally understand if she had moved on. It's just that it seemed she kinda sorta was keeping the door open. She did let me into her bed, after all.
