Forged in the crucible of pain

[Flint]

Hello,
I'm 32 years old have been battleing depression since early childhood and it is just getting worse as I get older. In my preteens I was first diagnosed with depression but I have now been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and now general anxiaty disorder. Only resent I've realised my childhood abuse is affecting me, I thought my past could be buried and forgotten. Thoughts of suicide are common though out my life and almost comforting, knowing I can end my personal hell, I've had one major suicide attempt so far and my only regret is that it wasn't successful but now fear of surviving another one is the only thing holding me back.
I come here as a final attempt for help or see if I'm just a lost cause. I hope there are answers.

 

[forgetmenot]

No one is ever a lost cause ever ok with support you can confront the pain the sadness trying to fight it on your own is way to hard

I do hope you reach out to a professional in real life one that deals with trauma there is hope hun always hope ok

 

[Retired]

Flint,

Welcome to Psychlinks! Hope you might find the suppost and direction you need to deal with your depression.

Are you currently receiving any form of therapy for you depression, under the care of a doctor or mental health professional and are you taking medication to help manage your symptoms?

 

[Flint]

So far I've only had my family doctor to talk to, he has submitted twice now in the past 6 months referrals for the hospital day program in my area and no reply. He did once referre me to a counselor but they where not pleasant to talk to and the irony of it their last name was the french word for wrong. I feel at the end of my rope and have no idea what to do next.

 

[Retired]

He did once referre me to a counselor but they where not pleasant to talk to and the irony of it their last name was the french word for wrong.

By counselor do you mean a psychologist, a social worker or some other professional?

What was it about the interaction with this person that you found unpleasant?

 

[Ftbwgil]

Hi Flint Welcome to the forum. I agree with you that you cannot bury the abuse. A therapist, group meetings for people abused etc. Its all hard work but it helps. I had my limits at 41 years of age. For years I had a struggle. Life is getting better. This forum is a great place to write what you feel and there is a lot of good people and good advice on this forum. I suspect the reason you might be living with depression is that you have too many hurtfull unsaid things. Its important to share with a group a therapist, write things down. Its like an infection and you need to get the puss out of your soul. Sorry for the graphic statement but to me thats what it is and all that hurt that stays in you is like poison. The thing is to be gentle with the process. Do not rush it

Good luck

 

[Flint]

He is a Psychiatrist but later looking up his name on the internet reviealed many others experianced the same issues with him and questioned his seemingly lack of professionalism,He continually looks at the computer; there is minimal eye-to-eye contact and the session is based on his agenda, not what I am experiencing or lack of progress.He was more interested in pushing pills than encouraging you to talk about your problems.There is no personal connection what so ever, which makes it difficult to open up, felt like talking at a wall then to a person.His secretary is his wife and found that to be a conflict of interest when dealing with the office. The only positive reviews on the guy where people getting treatment for Bi-polar disorder which I'm guessing is the only thing he's trained to deal with.
As for medication I was on cymbalta for few months and it seemed to have been helping till started slipping into a really deep episode of depression, and lost my job(again) as a result so can't afford medication right now but my family doctor is trying his best to help me he gave me a bunch of free sample packages of Effexor XR (only thing he had on hand) so far it's only been taking a bit of the edge off my anxiety.

 

[Retired]

While it's always nice to deal with someone with whom we can feel a personal connection with, there may be situations where some compromise might be in order. Consider your current situation where a referral doesn't seem to be forthcoming and arranging to be seen by a psychiatrist in your area may be difficult for any number of reasons.

Doctors frequently employ their wives as their secretaries, receptionists and even their office nurses, and there should be no concern about any conflict of interests.

What you appear to need right now is a specialist to hear your symptoms, and to form an accurate diagnosis in order to provide a rational therapy. I agree that computers have found their way into doctors offices, and some seem to focus their attention more on the screen than in eye contact. Believe it or not, some doctors really do have difficulty with eye contact, and so personality idiosyncrasies should not preclude your seeking treatment.

What you want is a competent mental health specialist to evaluate your symptoms and provide you with treatment. You won't be spending your life with this person, so there's nothing to be gained by being turned off by his demeanor.

Internet reviews can be misleading, as there are always people who have an axe to grind, and it's the negative activists who make all the noise. People with complaints are more likely to publicize their dissatisfaction than satisfied patients are likely to post about their satisfaction.

In the end, it's your choice to make, but here's the way I see it.

You have a family doctor who is trying to help, but doesn't seem to have the training or expertise to treat the severity of your symptoms. Referrals to a specialized center seem difficult to get. You were able to be seen by a psychiatrist, with whom you did not make a personal connection.

Would you be willing to reconnect with the psychiatrist, and tell him how you feel and why you left his care?

If so, you would at least give yourself the opportunity to have the degree of care by someone with the training to help you.

An important question about the sample medications your doctor is giving you.....is s/he giving you instructions on how to use the Effexor, monitoring the dose and following up on how the drug is helping you? If at any time, you cannot get any more Effexor, be sure to ask your doctor about what you need to do to taper the medication.....that is, you must not stop it "cold turkey" because of possible withdrawl effects.

 

[Daniel E.]

and my only regret is that it wasn't successful

I have felt that way at times, but I think it can be hard to remember regretting a suicide attempt when you are depressed because of the cognitive biases that are basically required for depression. Also, when I feel better, I am more distracted/engaged and less likely to be thinking about suicide or death in the first place.

Also:

Thoughts don’t matter but your response to them does.

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/therapy-...itive-therapy-for-anxiety-and-depression.html

Like phishing scams on the internet, mental phishing involves being tricked into attaching to highly provocative mental content (like the thought, “I will never be happy in life”) and treating it as real. When a person is phished, they act on the basis of this imaginary reality, even though the actual event that happened is that the person had a thought called, “I will never be happy in life.” Seen as a thought, and just a thought, there is no trick played. Part of learning to be mindful and to detach from mental processes is the ability to recognize negative content that is likely to be form of phishing from the reactive mind, the world's most accomplished phisher!

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/depressi...indfulness-and-acceptance-for-depression.html

 

[Flint]

The psychiatrist I saw was quite some time ago during early episode of deprssion and as far as I know he is not taking on any new patients. As for the medication I'm on I have read up on it and it's side effects and withdrawl sysmptoms, my doctor is good about wanting me to come in weekly to check on how I'm holding out he only gave me the lowest dose of 37.5mg once daily , he reminds me every time I see him that the pill is only to take the edge off not a cure and the path to recovery is going to be long one and try not to get discurraged.

I do want to say thank you for the responses to all that have replied.

 

[rdw]

Welcome to the forum Flint! I hope you find the courage to reach out to a new therapist - sounds like you have a great and caring doctor.

 

[Ftbwgil]

Welcome Flint

Child abuse sexual emotional abandonment etc is like a infection. It needs to be looked at and cared for. I can relate as i was in a abusive environment and realized at the age of 41 that I needed help From the outside. You cannot do it alone.

I understand you where let down by your caregivers and at some point when you start trusting you will start healing. Its not easy but at our age people are more sensitive to your situation and there are tremendous ressources out there. You have to reach out. Is there a group meeting setting for abused people in your area. You might try googling to see what is in your area. If there was alcohol or drugs in the abuse a alanaon or AA twelve step group can be explored.Your comment
I come here as a final attempt for help or see if I'm just a lost cause. I hope there are answers.

You can also see this as part of your journey and not a last resort as there are sooo many tools out there. Congratulations on your effort and my biggest advice would be to talk about it in a group setting that can relate. See a therapist etc.

Think of it as a infection that needs to be emptied out of your soul. As you talk more and more under a environment that can support you..... you will start feelng better. Also start a journal and write stuff down anything......
I have been working hard for 13 years and I look back and they have been the best 13 years of my life. Much better than the first 37.

Learn to love yourself you deserve it. Please remember whatever happened to you was not your fault. At all and secondly try to not live as a victim but live as a survivor. I lived as a victim with self pity right up to 2 years ago. Easier said then done.

Congratulations on your goal to heal





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