Friend is falling apart because of her boyfriend

[Eunoia]

this girl I know from classes has just recently gotten back together w/ her b/f,.. they used to date for several years and then they were apart for 1/2 year. anyways, he said that he had changed and wanted to be w/ her forever and that he wanted to work on things and so they got back together. now, those are great intentions, but for one he blames her for all their troubles. he doesn't trust her, she doesn't trust him. he says he needs to talk about things w/ her to get over the past. from what I know from what she's told me she never did anything wrong, she did end up going out w/ another guy after they broke up, and apparently he does not like that very much. he keeps her up all night talking about "issues". he told one of his friends who agreed that she's the "bad" one, feeding his belief that he is the good one and she is the bad one, instead of actually trying to work on things. then when she shows up extremely exhausted at school he throws it into her face, saying that she should go to class, and study or he will call her mom etc. I see her every morning coming to class (if she makes it) and she looks like crap. She says that when they're together things are great but when he's away for work and comes back he's had time to "think" and things get bad.

She broke down crying today b/c of all of this. It's on her mind 24/7. She's close to dropping a course she needs to finish her degree after already having done so once before. Her grades are much worse than what she could actually achieve and she says herself that ever since they've been going out her grades have dropped b/c she made him a priority. She seems to understand that it's not a good relationship, and she even thinks they will break up eventually, but she one holds on to the good moments and two is scared of having to deal w/ a break up again. She's throwing her life away and I don't know how to help her.... he won't go to counseling. She's trying to stick w/ the class and I'm trying to help her w/ it, and obviously be there for her if she needs to vent..... but is there anything else I can do???? she's literally falling apart more and more day by day..... (

 

[David Baxter PhD]

If she asks for your opinion or advice, you can give it to her - but make sure it's expressed as your opinion and that you know the only one who can make the decision is her. She'll make the right decision for her eventually, when she's ready to do it - and not one minute earlier.

There's really little you can do except what you're probably already doing - being supportive when you can (don't forget to protect yourself too) and being honest when she asks your opinion or advice. Beyond that, you wait.