Friend Who Neglects Me

[Kelly]

I’m in college, and have one friend who I’m confused by. She was my best friend and we were inseparable freshman year. She got a boyfriend and joined a sorority during the second semester and I didn’t see her as much, but I talked to her and thought things would change sophomore year. Sophomore year, things were a little better at first, but she started isolating herself and almost exclusively hanging out with her boyfriend- a bit annoying but I’m easygoing and could deal with it. I knew that our friendship was strong and believed (and still do believe) that she genuinely cares about me.

I just reminded myself of this if I ever started to get frustrated. I made an extra effort to reach out to her, because I don’t want her to ever feel disconnected and like she can’t hang out with me and our other friends. I noticed that she seemed to make more (although still very small) of an effort with our other friends (who she isn’t as close to) who weren’t reaching out. I got a little annoyed.

Then second semester, I started seeing her out all the time with new friends. I got very annoyed. I started talking to her a little less, but even the few times we had plans, something would always come up and she’d have to take a rain check. I was working WAY harder at our friendship than she was and did not like it. I essentially almost completely stopped texting/talking to her in March, and when she’d text me, I’d respond but in much less of a cheery and nice manner than I usually do. She started making a little more of an effort with me.

This summer we were both at school and she started reaching out to me more – we hung out more than we did all of second semester in the course of a week. But…her boyfriend and a lot of her other friends were gone.

I know I should stop being friends with someone if they don’t treat me right, but my problem is that I know that she really does genuinely care about me and enjoy hanging out with me plus, when we are together we have the best time. Out of all of my friends, I have the best time with her. But she doesn’t put in enough effort in my opinion and the friendship is on her terms.

I’ve nicely talked to her about these things, and she makes excuses for her behavior (I’ve been really busy, those girls all have boyfriends too and so we’ve bonded over that, etc) and said that she will try to change, but doesn’t.

What else can I do to get her to make more of an effort? I guess ignoring her makes her try harder with me? I don’t enjoy this kind of a friendship, but I love her and we definitely still care about each other a lot, so I don’t want to completely cut ties.

What is the best thing for me to do? Thank you in advance for any advice you can offer me!!

 

[adaptive1]

If you have talked to her and told her how you feel and it doesn't change then the future will probably just be a repeat of the past. Can you expand your social horizons to meet more people and then spend less time with her and that way she is still in your life but not as much but not as much of an impact when she gets new friends or a new boyfriend.

I have been there with people too and I find that pattern can repeat, if you have spoken to her and it keeps happening you can't so much except try and form other relationships.

 

[SooChun Lin]

I second what adaptive1 said.

If someone not needing so much and you keep wanting for more, it would only hurt yourself and eventually affect your emotional balance and self esteem etc.

When you expand your social life and have more friends, you'll have more options and you'll not focus so much on that person. It'll helps on your sense of self worth and emotions etc.

Blesses...