From 'adult child of a narcissist' to just 'adult'. How?

[Pronoia]

Months ago, I went through the usual 'lightbulb moment' after realizing that my father has NPD. Actually, I posted about his behavior on a general family forum, and a person suggested I research NPD. I did, and it brought a lot of understanding and relief.

My father was the golden child of a narcissistic mother. The family had to appear perfect on the outside, but there was horrible abuse happening on the inside. My father, I believe, did try to stem the madness a little in his own parenting, but I'm sure he has the disorder himself and it must be very difficult.

He punished me every time it seemed to him I disrespected him (over tiny jokes at his expense). He read my diary and then gave me the silent treatment without explanation - I had to beg him to explain and then found out he was offended by something I wrote about his mother (I was 7, I think). My other grandmother told me she saw him spank me with a belt when I was 2, repeatedly, and I have foggy memories of that too (playing with him and refusing to play his way, being accused of being disrespectful and spanked) - when I asked him, he said his MIL was 'unstable'.

I recently found out my mother suffered a lot because he basically took me away from her - she was 'incompetent' and couldn't do anything right, so he fed me, bathed me, took me out, played with me.

Taking me to doctors and answering their questions directed at me every time I was sick, 'worrying' about my health and blaming me for doing it to him - I started hiding colds at a relatively early age. Talking to my teachers, ingratiating himself with them, praising me to them to embarrassing and sickening extents.

I rebelled relatively early, and our relationship has been ambivalent since my early teens. I got married (to a sane guy!) after my (sane!) mother died. And I left!

When we were living an hour away, I no longer existed. He didn't call, wouldn't visit.

Now we're back in my home city, and I'm 'on the radar' again. He has a new girlfriend who is his source of supply now. His thing is 'doing things for someone' (like he did for his mother) and getting attention that way. So he's doing insane things for her now - she's a grown woman who can drive, but he insists on driving her to some classes she's taking, waiting for her to finish, and taking her back home.

And he uses my apartment to wait. So he 'visits'. Our communication consists of me fending off his criticism. He criticizes our parenting, our furniture, my weight (which is healthy). I told him I was only interested in a relationship between two adults now, and I didn't want any more criticism. He said 'You'll always be my child'. I said 'I may be your child, but I'm an adult.'

He's been trying to control himself.

But I've only recently discovered things in me which I thought were my own authentic problems, but are in fact consequences of having a father with NPD.

Needing to 'succeed' and 'achieve' to prove I'm not a failure - he somehow still either diminishes or appropriates my every achievement. I'm always anxious about not doing something worthwhile right now, never enjoying any one moment. Biting my nails.

Thinking I'm cold, unemotional, insensitive, because I've always been repulsed by his and his family's sleazy professions of love - only a few days ago I was able to unblock myself and discover I indeed had normal, human emotions inside, normal love for my kids.

Suppressed anger - I was never, ever, ever allowed to be angry with him, even in private, he'd barge into my room and order me to stop making an angry face or banging my head against the wall.

Feeling unfeminine. I just saw my mother as weak and insignificant. I had PPD after my first daughter, and it made me realize I saw myself as unimportant and worthless now that I was a mother, because mothers don't matter.

Where do I go from here? How do I know what is authentically me and what is the consequence of him?

How do I eliminate the conditioning? Any exercises someone can recommend?

I've been feeling like a new person, capable of love and life, these past few days. I know I can get it right.

Therapy isn't really a option in my country. It's overcrowded and state-funded, and it's very difficult to get referred, and I'd feel guilty about it anyway. There are suicidal people on long waiting lists.

Any do-it-yourself stuff I can do to find my own true voice now?

 

[Pronoia]

Basically, I'm just looking for resources that would help me 'separate the wheat from the tares' - who I really am vs. the conditioning by a narcissist. Information that could help me develop my authentic self and eliminate the consequences of my father's NPD in me.

Most of the stuff I've been able to google are stories by children of NPD parents (helpful at the beginning), advice on how to deal with your NPD parent (helpful now, I'm applying it successfully), and traits acquired by adult children of narcissists - but nothing on how to go from there and find your authentic self.

 

[Andy]

Hi Pronoia

I just found this

Moving Forward Beyond Narcissistic Abuse

I searched this "moving on from a narcissist" and there seemed to be some articles there. I'm not sure if any will be what you are looking for but no harm in checking them out. It is hard to find articles about the adult of such situations a lot of the time so I can understand some of your frustration with finding any information. I hope something under that search can help you a little bit or at least lead you to something that will.

Good luck Welcome to Psychlinks BTW, I didn't see you there!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Narcissistic parents

A woman raised by a narcissist parent told me something that probably reveals how narcissists work. She told me she wanted to be "taken care of" by her husband, like a child. "Don't put me in a cage!" This comes from her childhood experiences. A narcissistic mother or father reverses rolls. Because mothers take the major role in child care, N mothers can do major damage to their children, if they are narcissists. A N mother is emotionally immature, the child has to take care of her. The needs of the narcissist mother come first and are like the needs of a hungry baby bird. "Feed me, feed me" the narcissist mother cries to its child, instead of caring for its child's needs, the mother is like a vampire feeding on the child. I have seen a narcissistic mother playing this game with daughters - the daughters would mimic a feeding bird - very childish actions for women over 20! One narcissistic mother wrote that her daughter and her were the same person! The N mother told her daughter she loved her so much that one day the daughter would not be there, because the N mother would have eaten her during the night? Scary!

From the outside, looking in, the narcissist family does not appear dysfunctional. Notice that the N family history - filled with unquestionable mythology - is replayed over and over till it sounds like the truth. No one questions present actions or past history of the narcissist. Guilt plays a big role in the family. Head games are the norm; little routines and pet names are used to brain wash children into thinking they are loved. Nothing is ever given to the child permanently.

A narcissistic woman I knew had a pet dog to keep her company, and one day some one told her that her dog had worms and he gave my mother medicine to give to the dog. An easy procedure. The next time he asked about her dog, and she told him it had died. She had not given the dog the medicine and his heart had been eaten up by the worms. Mothers and fathers who are narcissists treat their children much in the same way. If the children jump to the narcissists beck and call, mirror them, agree with them, then the narcissist parent will take care of them.

Once, my father came to visit at the same time. My mother in law called him and she spent an hour in a cafe crying, convincing him that we had to move back to where she lived. I told him that she was like his wife -another narcissist. I was furious, but my wife, still under her mother's influence, said nothing, just ignored it as if it had not happened. When my mother would visit it was no better. She would go into one of her "moods" and I would take her aside and give her a piece of my mind; I refused to be treated like a child. It was even worse when my brother was around, the same family dynamics would repeat themselves and I would end up feeling physically sick and leave.

N train people to cater to their wishes and whims, like spoiled children. If you want to remain sane you have to be an adult with them - a child of a narcissist has a difficult time with this, because they have been trained not to act like an adult with their narcissist parent.
The way N parents operate is that they assign their children roles, a bit like birth order, and they have to fulfill whatever that position entails. No matter how hard you try, you cannot compete with the golden child, the chosen one, who represents the narcissists mother or father's image. As a child, you fill as if you disappoint the narcissist if you do something other than what they want - that holds true for your role in the family. One woman I knew used to say that only her and her son had extraordinary feelings and were sensitive. Just the opposite was true, they were the most self centered and heartless members of that family. A young child has few defenses against such monsters. Adult children of narcissists end up at the shrinks, wondering what happened. A few figure it out, others just keep suffering and falling into the same trap over and over.

The sequels of being raised by a narcissistic parent are many and varied. If you happen to be the golden boy or girl, the chosen one, then you think your mother or father is great, because they think you are great, the spitting image of them. They gloss over your failings, the divorces, the bad business deals (the other people's fault), and they are your fan club, deflecting criticism from you, bolstering your ego, always complimenting you and your wife and children. They think you are a god, or goddess. You probably know that you have feet of clay, and are imperfect, yet you want your wife or husband to treat you as the apple of your family's eye. It might dawn on you that you have problems, but blame it on someone else, never yourself. You might even think that you suffer from some mental disorder, but dismiss the idea as ridiculous, other people are crazy - not you.

On the other hand you might be the unlucky one, the one in the family who always gets the short end of the stick. No matter what you do, your parents, or one of them, never likes it. They are cold, distant, but when company drops by, they will put you on display and you have to perform, you have to make nice. God forbid you say the wrong thing. You will pay for it.
You may have a sibling who gets all the attention - no matter what they do - and no matter how hard you try, you will not admired like them. Instead you will be criticized, because is for you own good (sot the favorite one will not get jealous). You may start to turn inward, not let your inner feelings show, because they like to see you cringe, cry, and so you deny them that pleasure.

You may have trouble showing your true emotions later on in life, because you are afraid. But of what? When you were young, your emotions got you in trouble, for reasons you still don't understand. You feel incomplete, half alive, and your ego seems to be either at full blast or gone to sleep. You are shy, or the opposite. Not knowing how real people act, you are suspicious of strangers. Only your N mother or N father understands you, they say, so you are constantly going home, trying to recreate a childhood that never existed. Maybe you dream a lot, never grounded in reality, and miss things. If you are given a surprise party, you collapse into yourself, not wanting to be the center of attention, because someone else should get all the attention, not you. Deep down you hate your mother or father, and feel ashamed for the sentiment because everyone else thinks they are great.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Narcissism and 'Narcissistic Wounds'

Excerpts from Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in their Struggle for Self by Dr. Elan Golomb (1992):

From the Introduction:
"People who are relatively free of narcissistic traits (most of us have some) do not attempt to place themselves above others. They are unconcerned with such comparisons. They stay in touch with their feelings and try to do their personal best. Their standards are internal and realistic since they have a good idea of who they are and what they can accomplish (such objectivity is not insignificant). They are not free of idealistic wishes and dreams.
Narcissists are wholly different. They unconsciously deny an unstated and intolerably poor self-image through inflation. They turn themselves into glittering figures of immense grandeur surrounded by psychologically impenetrable walls. The goal of this self-deception is to be impervious to greatly feared external criticism and to their own roiling sea of doubts.

This figure of paradox needs to be regarded as perfect by all. To achieve this, he or she constructs an elaborate persona (a social mask which is presented to the world). The persona needs an appreciative audience to applaud it. If enough people do so, the narcissist is relieved that no one can see through his disguise. The persona is a defensive schema to hide behind, like the false-front stores on a Western movie set. When you peer behind the propped-up wall, you find . . . nothing. Similarly, behind the grandiose parading, the narcissist feels empty and devoid of value.

Because his life is organized to deny negative feelings about himself and to maintain an illusion of superiority, the narcissist's family is forcibly conscripted into supporting roles. They have no other option if they wish to get along with him. His mate must be admiring and submissive to keep the marriage going and his children will automatically mold themselves into any image that is projected upon them.

Here the tragedy begins. A narcissist cannot see his children as they are but only as his unconscious needs dictate. He does not question why his children are incredibly wonderful (better than anyone else's) or intolerably horrible (the worst in all respects) or why his view of them ricochets from one extreme to another with no middle ground. It is what they are.

When he is idealizing them, he sees their talents as mythic, an inflation that indicates they are being used as an extension of his grandiose self. When he hates them and finds their characteristics unacceptable, he is projecting hated parts of himself onto them. Whether idealizing or denigrating, he is entirely unaware that what he sees is a projection and that his views are laying a horrible burden on his child.
. . . .
The offspring of narcissists grow up fulfilling their assigned roles. They may sense that they are in a state of falsehood, but do not know what to do about feelings of nonauthenticity. They try all the harder to become what they are supposed to be, as if their feelings of uneasiness come from an improper realization of their role. If their parents see them as miserably deficient, from the shape of their bodies to the power of their minds, that is what they become. If they were portrayed to themselves as great muckamucks, especially if they have innate ability to fulfill a powerful role, they become the movers and shakers of society.

At heart, children of narcissists, raised up or cast down by the ever-evaluating parent, feel themselves to be less than nothing because they must 'be' something to earn their parents' love. Conditional love offers no support for the inner self. It creates people who have no personal sense of substance or worth. Nourished on conditional love, children of narcissists become conditional. They find themselves unreal."

From chapter, "How to Recognize a Narcissist and Narcissism":
"As a child, the narcissist-to-be found his essential self rejected by his narcissistic parent. The wounds of the parent are a template for the wounding of the child. Each narcissistic parent in each generation repeats the crime that was perpetrated against him. The crime is non-acceptance. The narcissist is more demanding and deforming of the child he identifies with more strongly, although all his children are pulled into his web of subjectivity. How can he accept offspring who are the product of his own unconsciously despised self? . . . .

The child who will eventually turn into a full-scale narcissist most often had a narcissistic mother. The reason why the maternal narcissist is more often likely to turn her child into a fellow narcissist is because the mother most often provides the predominant care that defines the baby?s early world. If the father is narcissistic and the mother is not, the father?s traumatic impact is attenuated at the time when the child is establishing a sense of self.

The narcissist-to-be turns away from a world he perceives as devoid of nurturance and love (since a mother?s care gives the child its first version of the world). He withdraws into grandiose fantasies to shield himself from profound feelings of unworthiness caused by the fact that his mother does not really love him. Grandiosity permits him to believe that he is complete and perfect unto himself, thus shielding him from his secret sense that he is a ravening beast, ready to murder others in order to eat and survive. The food of this beast is admiration.

The narcissistic mother, caretaker of the child?s earliest years, is grandiose, chronically cold but overprotective. She invades her child?s autonomy and manipulates him to conform to her wishes. She rejects all about him that she finds objectionable, putting him in the anxiety-ridden position of losing her affection if he expresses dissatisfaction. She responds to his baby rages and fussing with anxiety, anger, or withdrawal. He becomes unable to cope with the ugly feelings that threaten to erupt and destroy the bond between him and his mother, the bond he depends on for survival.

His mother?s grandiosity models a way out of his dilemma. She places him on a common throne, sharing the rarefied air of her greatness. By appropriating and embellishing the aura of specialness in which she has enveloped him he can create a grandiose fantasy about himself to escape to. This fantasy eventually crystallizes into a psychic structure we call the grandiose self. A new narcissist is born.

For all his air of self-sufficiency, the narcissist is full of interpersonal needs. He is more needy than most people who feel they have something good inside of them. If he is to survive, he must find a way to get his needs met without acknowledging the independent existence of the person off whom he wants to feed. To admit that a person is necessary to him gets him in touch with feelings of deficiency, which plummet him into intolerable emptiness, jealousy, and rage. To avoid this experience, he inhabits a one-person world. Either he exists and other people are extinguished or vice versa. In his mind, he is center stage and other people are mere shadows beyond the proscenium. This solution creates a new conundrum: ?How can I get fed without acknowledging the feeder?? The solution is to dissect people and to turn them partially into objects, to make them inanimate. A person comes to represent a need-fulfilling function or an organ like a breast, vagina, or penis. There is no overall person to consider.

. . . . Since he is not psychotic and totally out of touch with reality, he is occasionally forced to recognize the presence of a benefactor. The emotional incursion of such an idea is warded off by demeaning the gift or the person who has given it. If a gift is unworthy he doesn?t have to feel gratitude. Not to say that he does not at times proffer thanks. A narcissist can be quite charming when he wishes to impress, but his words are not deeply felt.

He usually does not see the need to go to such lengths with his family. They belong to him and are supposed to cater to his needs. His children are particularly crushed by his lack of recognition for their attempts at pleasing him since he is the main figure in their world. Adding insult to injury, they can always count on his criticism when what is offered falls below his standards.

Despite his bubble of grandiosity, the narcissist is remarkably thin-skinned, forever taking offense and feeling mistreated, especially when people appear to have eliminated the extras in their response to him. Less than special immediately implies that someone may be thinking the emperor is naked, precisely what he fears. He is enraged whenever the aching corns of his insecurities are stepped on.

A narcissist tends to have transient social relationships since few wish to abide by her rules. She has quick enthusiasms, business associates but few friends. Her closest are other narcissists who keep a comfortable distance while exchanging gestures of mutual admiration. Neither makes emotional demands on the other.

In a mate, if she does not choose a fellow narcissist, she will cohabit with a person who feels inadequate and who needs to hide in a relationship. This suits her well since she doesn't want to recognize the existence of another being. Often, her mate is the child of a narcissist, already indoctrinated to regard exploitation and disregard as love.
. . . .
The grandiose narcissist in her automat world may not feel the emptiness of her life, although her narcissistic traits cause suffering in all those with whom she has intimate contact. She only comes to recognize that something is wrong (not necessarily with herself) when the environment no longer supports her grand illusions and she fails to live up to expectations of greatness. At this time she may become depressed and seek psychotherapy to relieve the pain."

From Chapter 4:
"The narcissist attacks separateness in everyone with whom he must have a relationship. Either they fit into his ego-supporting mold or they are extruded from his life. Narcissistic rage and aggression are based on fear. His entitlement to absolute control over others must go unchallenged.
. . . .
Although the overall picture of narcissism can be readily understood, small details of [narcissistic] behavior are inexplicable. There is no rational explanation for what a completely self-centered person will do. What they themselves say about it later bears no relation to the original motivation. They often surrender to overpowering impulses based on distorted, one-sided, and limited perceptions."

From Chapter 13:
"Often, an initial move for independence involves joining a group. Membership in a group represents opposition to the parent. A narcissistic parent wants to determine her child?s style and life objectives. Her child wants separation but, fearing to stand alone, joins an all-encompassing group as a halfway move to freedom. He thinks that membership expresses his individuality and cites group laws as buttressing independence from the parent. But such membership often limits his search for a self that needs separation to exist. In order not to be immersed in his parent?s narcissistic net he buries himself in a group that operates like a narcissistic family and requires identity with members? goals and ethos. It is a style of life that reinforces personal nonbeing."

See also http://forum.psychlinks.ca/narcissi...ren-of-narcissists-the-struggle-for-self.html

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride


Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-up's Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents by Nina W. Brown


Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward

 

[Pronoia]

Making progress.

Once I realized how much of my anxiety and general self-image and feeling inadequate and unhappy in the motherhood role stems from my NPD father, I was truly able to let go of all of it, and am now figuring out who I really am.

A psychologist friend of my mother's confirmed my diagnosis of NPD for my father, based on what she already knew of our family and a few more things I told her, so it's not even 'by proxy'. She says it all finally makes sense.

She told me my mother was not even allowed to nurse me - he proclaimed she 'couldn't' and 'saved' me by buying formula. She was also incompetent in other areas: bathing me, dressing me, feeding me solids, taking me out. He took over from day one.

My mother's friend says my mother knew I wasn't allowed by him to show any affection to her.

And then she died and I don't even know where to begin grieving. Where I 'lost' her as a baby? Where I wasn't allowed to develop a real relationship with her, growing up? Where she died? Where my kids will never know her, only my father?

I know I miss her and need her, but I don't even know what I miss. I never really had her.

 

[SueW]

Pronoia

Just to say my heart goes out to you. The opposite happened for me - my mother was the one with NPD and my father was not allowed to care for me at all. I realise this is very much different to your situation but I do indentify with you at the same time. Keep on with the therapy. You can survive this and have a life.