braveheart
Member
Getting your attention - Deconstructing beliefs about need, attention and control
"You say it's like a bad thing, this needing people's attention, wanting their love."
Why the blame, the judgement, the stigma?
How many of us feel ashamed of needing others? How many of us feel a desperately empty cavern inside, fragment emotionally, and feel terrified, needing another human being to help us feel safe and whole?
In this article I'm going to examine how the label "attention seeker" carries so much humiliation and hatred. "Needy" is another attack word. There are many books and online articles advising people to avoid "emotional vampires", "losers", and so forth. I find this shocking, as, in effect, it alienates a big part of the human personality - the drive for connection.
The way I see it, it is unhelpful to judge such things as neediness and so called "controlling" behaviour. Rather, we need to look honestly at our own needs, how we're expressing them, and how they meet the personality of another. Attacking your own or someone else's need can only strike dread into the heart of where we're most emotionally starved, desperately lonely and with self esteem levels at rock bottom.
A core question we can ask ourselves is
Everyone needs some kind of positive attention. It's important to feel that we exist in the eyes of others. We all need a sense of self. Misconnections and disconnections that occurred in relationships when our sense of self was forming when we were young, can cause an empty void in our hearts. We might feel like we're forever searching for protection, reassurance, safety.
Because we feel so broken, empty, lost, we can panic. We might cut, overdose, control our food intake or purge it. We might cry, withdraw, or hit out at those we need the most.
Those around us tend to interpret this in a number of ways
The ideal response from another is to listen, understand and 'contain' our chaotic feelings. A psychotherapist might say "I see you and hear you. You exist to me, and you matter. I understand how frightened you are right now, so frightened that you feel like you're falling apart. I'm here for you, and we can get through this together. Your painful feelings don't destroy me or us."
Such containment means remaining as a secure, steady presence, not reacting in fear, anger or disgust.
However, people in our lives won't necessarily always respond in such a way as to help us feel safe with ourselves again. A friend might lose patience sometimes, a parent or teacher might call us attention seekers. Even a doctor might ignore our cries for help.
Why is this?
To start with, not everyone can 'translate' or interpret the language of self injury. Or it may be that they cannot tolerate the terror they can see in our eyes, and so shut us out to protect themselves from feeling the intensity of that rawness. It might even remind them of their own pain they're rather keep locked away. They might respond to this by being angry and blaming towards you. In turn this can intensify our own difficult feelings. Another important point to remember is that they might be preoccupied with their own needs, and have nothing left of themselves to give to us at that time.
As you've probably realised by now, I haven't given you any "quick fixes" in this article. There aren't any. Relationships, need and fear are complex issues best worked through over time with a good counsellor or psychotherapist. What I can do, though, is help point you in the right direction. I can give you 'food for thought', pointers to be aware of that can help you reflect on how you're feeling and behaving. My aims of this article are to
For example, for me, change triggers memories of life growing up in my family, around a father who couldn't handle his little girl growing up and becoming her own person with needs and intense feelings. His own depression and fear led him to make regular threats to send me away. These threats were never carried out, and have left me in constant dread and insecurity, to this day, of being rejected. Added onto early traumas I suffered, I am no stranger to feelings of intense longing for warmth and loving attention that just weren't met when I was growing up. Through psychotherapy I am starting to 'melt' frozen feelings, and learning to reach out safely, find words.
Maybe you too have core memories attached to need and being in control or lack of control. It can really help to think and write about these. And, not to forget my old favourite - drawing them. The more safe and connected ways we can find to express our innermost thoughts and fears, the more secure we can feel.
The contents of this article won't apply to everyone here, but it is my hope to reach those who do resonate with what I've described, and who can be helped by it even a little.
Copyright Katie H. May 2008
"You say it's like a bad thing, this needing people's attention, wanting their love."
Why the blame, the judgement, the stigma?
How many of us feel ashamed of needing others? How many of us feel a desperately empty cavern inside, fragment emotionally, and feel terrified, needing another human being to help us feel safe and whole?
In this article I'm going to examine how the label "attention seeker" carries so much humiliation and hatred. "Needy" is another attack word. There are many books and online articles advising people to avoid "emotional vampires", "losers", and so forth. I find this shocking, as, in effect, it alienates a big part of the human personality - the drive for connection.
The way I see it, it is unhelpful to judge such things as neediness and so called "controlling" behaviour. Rather, we need to look honestly at our own needs, how we're expressing them, and how they meet the personality of another. Attacking your own or someone else's need can only strike dread into the heart of where we're most emotionally starved, desperately lonely and with self esteem levels at rock bottom.
A core question we can ask ourselves is
- What price am I prepared to pay to feel whole?
Everyone needs some kind of positive attention. It's important to feel that we exist in the eyes of others. We all need a sense of self. Misconnections and disconnections that occurred in relationships when our sense of self was forming when we were young, can cause an empty void in our hearts. We might feel like we're forever searching for protection, reassurance, safety.
Because we feel so broken, empty, lost, we can panic. We might cut, overdose, control our food intake or purge it. We might cry, withdraw, or hit out at those we need the most.
Those around us tend to interpret this in a number of ways
- caring and listening, 'no matter what'
- ignoring us
- blaming and labelling us.
- "Can you hold my hand?" [significant other]
- "Can we go for a walk/coffee? I just need to be with someone right now."
- "I need to talk about this, help me find the words." [therapist]
The ideal response from another is to listen, understand and 'contain' our chaotic feelings. A psychotherapist might say "I see you and hear you. You exist to me, and you matter. I understand how frightened you are right now, so frightened that you feel like you're falling apart. I'm here for you, and we can get through this together. Your painful feelings don't destroy me or us."
Such containment means remaining as a secure, steady presence, not reacting in fear, anger or disgust.
However, people in our lives won't necessarily always respond in such a way as to help us feel safe with ourselves again. A friend might lose patience sometimes, a parent or teacher might call us attention seekers. Even a doctor might ignore our cries for help.
Why is this?
To start with, not everyone can 'translate' or interpret the language of self injury. Or it may be that they cannot tolerate the terror they can see in our eyes, and so shut us out to protect themselves from feeling the intensity of that rawness. It might even remind them of their own pain they're rather keep locked away. They might respond to this by being angry and blaming towards you. In turn this can intensify our own difficult feelings. Another important point to remember is that they might be preoccupied with their own needs, and have nothing left of themselves to give to us at that time.
As you've probably realised by now, I haven't given you any "quick fixes" in this article. There aren't any. Relationships, need and fear are complex issues best worked through over time with a good counsellor or psychotherapist. What I can do, though, is help point you in the right direction. I can give you 'food for thought', pointers to be aware of that can help you reflect on how you're feeling and behaving. My aims of this article are to
- support you in learning to understand yourself and others better;
- help you to look below the surface; and
- encourage you to be more accepting of yourself and those around you.
For example, for me, change triggers memories of life growing up in my family, around a father who couldn't handle his little girl growing up and becoming her own person with needs and intense feelings. His own depression and fear led him to make regular threats to send me away. These threats were never carried out, and have left me in constant dread and insecurity, to this day, of being rejected. Added onto early traumas I suffered, I am no stranger to feelings of intense longing for warmth and loving attention that just weren't met when I was growing up. Through psychotherapy I am starting to 'melt' frozen feelings, and learning to reach out safely, find words.
Maybe you too have core memories attached to need and being in control or lack of control. It can really help to think and write about these. And, not to forget my old favourite - drawing them. The more safe and connected ways we can find to express our innermost thoughts and fears, the more secure we can feel.
The contents of this article won't apply to everyone here, but it is my hope to reach those who do resonate with what I've described, and who can be helped by it even a little.
Copyright Katie H. May 2008
