Good day, eh

[Megalomanic]

Ahoy, I'm Mega.

I'm a taned white guy, 25. Canuk.
Um, I'm really smart, funny. I read a lot, anything non-fiction. I'm creative with a pencil and 3d art.
I play first-person shooters competitively, I'm great.
I exercise regularly and eat health.
Yadda, yadda.

I'm here because I have a problem with love. Instead of wanting it I hate it. I ruin relationships with girls if they start likeing me. I dont want to but whenever I start thinking of love it make me angry. I enjoy the anger more than happiness.

I'm pretty good looking, so I get hit on a lot. But I am afraid to get close to anyone because don't believe I can controll the anger of too much love. I haven't lost my temper on anyone, but my hate has no depth - I feels so alive, estatic, evil, its just great.
But afterward I know I shouldn't have felt that way.

So I'm 25. I've never had sex, been on a date, kissed, held hands - But used to mutilate myself at the oppertunity of these things.

Is there a name for what's wrong with me?
Is there a point?

-/\/\ega

 

[David Baxter PhD]

What, specifically, is it that you think about love that triggers anger?

 

[Megalomanic]

I think I'm on the upside of my swing now.
I think it was originally rooted in jealousy, but as time went on it has become a type of emotional crutch. An automatic reaction to a joy of love in others.
I always felt worthless and people, friends, family echoed it.
In the past love always seemed out of reach; now I am the one pushing it away.

My answer would probably be different if I were on the downside.
I would probably argue that the anger kept me alive while I was alienated. And that the trigger was a warning signal that trouble is ahead and I should stear clear of it. I didn't have many friends growing up, I was homeschooled after a bad breakdown in Grade 5 - so spending weeks alone was fairly normal. Anger allows me to do on to others as they have done onto me, guilt free - never felt better. Till I'm on an upswing bogged down with remorse.
People have no value to me when I am down and thus the most attractive women (and family, friends) are nothing in comparison to myself.

-/\/\

 

[David Baxter PhD]

So it's fear of rejection? And anger anticipating that rejection?

 

[Megalomanic]

That could be.
The only one doing the rejecting now, is me.

What do I do about it? How do I get over this?
Would I get worse if I was in a relationship or would it stop being a problem?

Guess I'll swing by the library and rtfm on it, eh.

-/\/\

 

[ThatLady]

Sounds to me like, with your past bogging you down, you think of love as the equivalent of the "dreaded unknown". You felt worthless, and felt others thought you were worthless. You internalized that feeling, and couldn't imagine anyone really loving you. Now, when that possibility presents itself, perhaps you don't trust it and figure you'd best get a jump on the person who's pretending to care about you. In other words, you don't believe yourself loveable, so doubt anyone who might seem to care for you. You don't trust, and you react with anger.

You'd probably benefit from some therapy with a therapist who's experienced in this area.

 

[Megalomanic]

Thanks, eh.

I have seen a couple therapists in the past.
Lucky for me my dad is one so he knows people (and he pays for it).
And I do have a rough past.

I started reading about it online.
Can anyone recommend a good book?

-/\/\