Good Riddance?

[Daniel E.]

Good Riddance?
By Barry Brody, Ph.D., L.M.F.T.
Retrieved August 2011

A gentleman comes to see me. He wants to get rid of his impotence.

A couple comes to see me. The husband wants to get rid of the marriage.

A woman comes to see me. She weighs ninety pounds. She wants to get rid of her eating problem.

A family comes to see me. Their child is out of control. They want to get rid of the child by putting him in a boot camp.

What do you want to get rid of? A feeling that haunts you, a thought that won’t leave you, or possibly a habit or even a relationship.

I believe that most of us have these “things” we would like to get rid of, however we just can’t seem to.

Why do we hold onto these things that trouble us?

I can tell you that there is no one simple, easy answer—each case is unique. However, here are some thoughts that may apply.

For some persons in therapy, it appears that by retaining what they say they want to get rid of, it allows them to keep beating themselves up. These persons will continue to berate and criticize themselves for being so stupid, weak and lazy. These persons have grown up being criticized and now have made self-criticism a way of life. Persons I am describing tell me that they feel lost without the criticism. You may know people like this who are always apologizing and saying “I’m sorry”, even when they did nothing wrong.

For other persons, what they can’t get rid of appears to act like a security blanket. They know what they hold onto is not good for them, but at least they know what they have. They are secure in how this dysfunctional thing operates. It’s like the old saying, “Better the devil you know, then the one you don’t.”

Finally, for some persons what they can’t get rid of acts as if to prevent or avoid suffering an even bigger problem or catastrophe. These people demonstrate great tenacity in holding onto, and continually talking about, what they should get rid of. They spend large amounts of time and energy attempting to rid themselves of the unwanted thing or feeling or behavior. For these persons it as if this unwanted thing is used to hide or mask something else. For them, this unwanted thing acts like a magician’s sleight of hand. As long as you keep watching the magician’s hands, you don’t see what’s really going on.

In the end, all these unwanted things that we can’t get rid of, are messages about ourselves. Tell me what you can’t get rid of. I may be able to show you a sign or a passage to parts of yourself that you did not know existed. That is, if you really want to know.


Barry Brody, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Lake City, Florida.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

OK, that's it. I really gotta stop apologizing all the time. lol I apologize for sneezing, for heaven's sake. People tell me to stop apologizing, and I apologize for apologizing... lol 8P

Great article, Daniel!

I actually didn't think of things that way, but ya know, it's kinda true. 8P

Now if someone acts nice to me, I shouldn't be suspicious...
And if someone is a douchebag, I shouldn't make excuses for that person and put up with them just to maintain a one-sided friendship. lol (I am so glad my husband helps with my barometer/filters because mine is out of whack)

At least those are my goals! That's what I keep telling myself.

 

[Raina]

I want to get rid of forty pounds...
I want to get rid of my compulsive spending habit
I want to get rid of people in my life that are toxic
I want to get rid of my very heavy sack filled with pain from my past and my present...

Am currently taking steps to slowly but surely change my life...I have removed most of the toxic people in my life and there is only one more to go...

I am slowly working through my baggage and my load is slowly getting lighter the more I talk, write and change my behaviour and my thinking

Cannot work on weightloss right now...just focusing on eating three meals a day and sipping tea without sugar and just plain water in between meals so that the numbers on the scale don't get out of control...

I gave myself a budget which I find hard to stick to but each month I get closer to doing so...

Baby steps away from the past...baby steps into the future...

 

[Daniel E.]

QUESTIONS & ANSWERS
​

By Barry Brody, Ph.D., L.M.F.T.
Retrieved November 2011

A couple arrives early for their first marriage counseling appointment. As they sit in my waiting room filling out the required paperwork, I imagine that they have questions for me. Will I give them hope? Will I be like their last therapist who disappointed them and just listened? Will I tell them what to do? Will I tell them who’s right and who’s wrong? Will I tell them to stay together or get a divorce?

A woman recently called me. She was looking for a therapist to help her and her fianc?e. She asked if I would tell her if they were incompatible. I told her I did not provide those answers. She never came to see me. I guess this was not the answer she was looking for.

A husband came to see me for a consultation. He was married with children. The problem was that he was having an affair and could function adequately in the area of intimacy with his lover, but couldn’t perform with his wife. He wanted to know if I thought he should leave his wife and children for his lover. I told him that I would not make that decision for him, but I did advise that he might be interested in working on his intimacy problem because if he left his family for his lover, the problem would go with him. I never saw him again.

I think it is natural for a client to expect that I will know the answers to their questions. After all, I’m the one in the consulting room with the education, training and experience. Why wouldn’t I have the answers? If you have a problem with a car, you take it to a mechanic. If you have a cold, you go to a physician. We expect that the mechanic and the physician will have the answers and know what to do.

Recently, someone suggested that I needed to consider working more like Dr. Phil. They said that people want answers and that’s what Dr. Phil gives them.

Why is it that Dr. Phil can so easily answer these types of questions and tell people what they should do with their lives?

Why is it that Dr. Phil gets a round of applause from his audience when he tells a guest to do something “before the sun sets tonight”?

I could do what Dr. Phil does. I could answer people’s questions with what is obvious to anyone who cares to pay attention. I could tell a spouse that they are in an abusive relationship and need to move on. I could tell parents that they created the monster their child is today because they spoiled the child. So stop. Then I think of the audience’s reaction when Dr. Phil does this—he gets a round of applause. It is the applause that stops me. I wonder what the audience is applauding for with such approval. In part, it is probably that Dr. Phil is “telling it like it is”. He is telling the guest what is painfully obvious to the entire audience. But I also think the applause is about something else—something less obvious. The applause sends a message to the guest. It tells the guest that we in the audience are somehow better and different than you. We wouldn’t be so blind and stupid as to make the same mistake over and over. We wouldn’t get upset or mad over something so ridiculous. Why can’t you see it?

I think the truth is perhaps intolerably a bit closer to home. We are all very much like the guests on Dr. Phil’s show. We all say and do stupid, mindless things. We all have feelings we can’t explain to ourselves and consider ridiculous. We are all in some ways repeat offenders in life, making the same mistakes over and over and over. Even though our mistakes are painfully obvious to everyone but ourselves. And we all don’t want to know the true answers.

So I choose to continue to try and not answer those questions that come my way. It’s not that I can’t answer, but I have long ago given up the idea that you can tell someone what to do and the problem is cured. In my experience, most of us do not want to learn our own answers, but would prefer to have a doctor tell us what to do. It seems that we resist tolerating the frustrating, painful and often arduous task of finding our own solutions, and more importantly, how we manage to avoid knowing what is obvious to everyone else.

So instead of providing answers, I try to provide a space where people can learn their own answers. I know that finding one’s own answers can be a difficult task to tolerate and that there will be people who will leave my office after one visit to search for a therapist who will give them their answers. My role as a therapist is to guide you through the process so that you can find your own answers.

Barry Brody, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Lake City, Florida.

 

[Mari]

Why is it that Dr. Phil gets a round of applause from his audience when he tells a guest to do something ?before the sun sets tonight??

I think it is because the 'applause' light is flashing... but it is an interesting article. Maybe therapists should give out security blankets to take the place of whatever it is the person is trying to get rid of. That is what I need - a nice comfy blanket, just the idea of it makes me feel a bit better.

 

[Daniel E.]

The second article reminds me of the beginning of the Carl Rogers interview with Gloria (starting at the 40 second mark).

I think it is because the 'applause' light is flashing...

I forgot about that

Maybe therapists should give out security blankets to take the place of whatever it is the person is trying to get rid of.

I certainly like solution-focused approaches:

they involve the initiation of new behaviors rather than the absence or cessation of existing behaviors.

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/therapy-and-therapists/19641-solution-focused-techniques.html#post194249

And regarding security blankets (comfort objects) specifically, that is an interesting point and reminds me of our haptic needs -- which is probably why so many computer geeks are almost obsessive about the feel of their keyboards. Apparently, even a pen can be comforting:Even Grown-Ups Need Security Blankets

---------- Post added at 07:54 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:31 PM ----------

Waiting by Dr. Brody
July 2009

...On my good days in the consulting room I can wait. Wait for something to emerge without the need to control the experience. I guess on those days I have faith. Faith that if I can tolerate waiting and not knowing an experience will emerge from some unknown place. Unknown to both myself and the patient. I imagine that this unknown “truth” has been waiting for the patient to arrive. If only I can stay out of the way and wait.

Beginning patients often ask “Where do I start?”, or immediately sit down and recite their list of what they think they came to talk about. Other, more seasoned patients make lists to bring in what they want to discuss. And others rehearse mentally on their way to the session. There are many ways to avoid waiting for the truth to emerge.

Recently a patient who had been to many other therapists discussed stopping treatment. They said that they had told me all they had to say-their story. They said that “there would be nothing to talk about”. We continued therapy and we stumbled across a long-buried truth that had been waiting for them to arrive. The patient said “Now I understand what therapy is about”.

The problem for both myself and the patient is waiting.

If one or both of us can wait, then who knows what we can discover? A baby born too soon, too late, not at all, or perhaps the truth that has been waiting for us all along.