Also, this post is very long, and I apologize for that and if I have posted it in the wrong section.
Hello,
I posted a bit about myself in the introduction thread, and I wasn't sure where to post this. This isn't really just a question, but I find that just talking about my problems can make me feel better. So here is a bit about myself and what I've been going through:
I've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder when I was around 16. I had also been diagnosed with depression at the same time. I got over my depression while I was still in my teens, and my anxiety has come and gone over the years. I have however dealt with an eating disorder off and on, and have had OCD for about as long as I can remember.
I have always been very strict with myself in several aspects (although that didn't include school as much as it should have
) usually regarding my performance and whether or not I am a 'good' enough person.
I have a loving family, and have been dating a wonderful man for over 6 years now. We recently moved into the city about 5 or so months ago (a huge change for me, and my first real move since I was about 2 or 3 years old). Before then I lived in a small village, so the city was a new and exciting change for me.
I finally got a decent job with good coworkers, and everything seemed to be going well (except that I felt that I wasn't making enough money, because I could only work a few days a week). My boyfriend said that it didn't matter and that he can cover the costs, but I hate borrowing money from people (even though he said I wasn't borrowing it and that I didn't have to pay it back).
Then I started getting anxiety again. At first I would go about my life and get random panic attacks, and then I started to feel anxious all day long. It was the kind of anxiety you get when you are afraid of getting a panic attack. Then, I started to get panic attacks on the bus. Ever so quickly I started 'cutting out' the things that I feared would give me a panic attack (either by associating past panic attacks or by fear of getting new ones). So, first I could only ride on the bus with someone else, then I couldn't even do that. Then I could only walk to places (or get a drive with someone) with another person, and then even that gave me extreme anxiety.
Soon I was stuck inside (I even had to quite my job), and I had to have someone with me all of the time, for I was afraid of being alone.
When my boyfriend would normally go to work, he went in late so he could stay with me while my family drove to the city to pick me up or spend the day with me so I wouldn't be alone. Although it was very stressful, for a couple weeks I spent the work-week at my parents home, then would go back home to visit with my boyfriend on the weekend while he wasn't at work.
I visited a clinic with my boyfriend, and they ordered some blood tests to be done to be sure that nothing was wrong with me. (I actually have to still go do that, I misplaced the form and I can procrastinate too much! >.<!). The doctor I saw also prescribed me some anti-anxiety pills for when I was feeling particularly off (like adivan (or whatever it’s called), but not the same brand). Unfortunately, due to past events that I need therapy to get over, I cannot take medication as I have a phobia of it. Also, it was the first time I talked about this with her (I had seen her only once before, and this is just after I started getting the anxiety again, before it got to the worst point) and when she asked my family's medical history she said that "I definately needed medication," and when my boyfriend (who came with me) told her that this just started recently, she changed her mind and said that I may not need it.
Anyway, I’ve been making changes for the better to get myself healthier (healthy body can help for a healthy mind). I had already cut out most caffeine (other than the little bit in decaf coffee and tea, and the occasional chocolate thing), quit alcohol (except a tiny sip now and there I drink non alcoholic beer) which is good because I used to drink too much, I will be quitting smoking, and I’ve been more responsible with my sleep and food intake.
My family and boyfriend have helped me immensely, and with their help and the self-help CBT books and online information I have come across; I have come a long way. Now I am able to stay at home during the week while my boyfriend is at work, I walked to the grocery store and coffee shop last week by myself (it takes about 20+ minutes there and back) in the dark, I can travel on the bus with others again, etc.. I’m feeling very optimistic about this! I also don’t have the crippling day-long anxiety that I had before, and I can sleep a lot better.
I still have anxiety that creeps up often enough, but in general I can convince myself out of it. After all, when I think about it, what gives me the most anxiety is just living with the fear of “what if’s”, like “what if I have a panic attack?” and “what if I’m alone and freak out, and I can’t control it?” Well, to be honest the worst that will happen is that I will have a panic attack. That’s it. I won’t go crazy, I won’t die, I won’t hurt myself or anyone else, I’ll just have a measly panic attack that (while horrifying at the time) will probably last 2 or so minutes, and within 10 or so minutes I will be completely fine. That’s it. So, realising that has really helped me, so now when I feel the butterflies in my stomach and the sweaty palms, I just tell myself: “it’s ok, I’ll be fine and the worst that could happen will only last a couple minutes anyway."
The problem I have been having (that’s been really bugging me) is that over the past couple weeks I have been experiencing paranoia. Not extreme, but it has been getting worse. I had a similar feeling when I was younger, and I know that it is caused by stress. The ‘unreal’ feeling can be caused by depression as well.
It’s like, sometimes I worry that life isn’t real. I know that I am alive, but I worry “what if it’s like in the Matrix and I’m hooked up to a computer somewhere and this is an alternate reality” or “what if everyone doesn’t really love me and it’s like I’m in the Truman Show and people are watching me?” (two movies I probably should have never watched, lol XD) or “what if I’m real but everyone else is not?”
It is a terrifying feeling, because I wonder: how will I ever know?
Even though I am aware of how ridiculous this is, it still scares me. I have the logical part of my mind working, saying: everything is real, everyone is real, they are just like you. They feel, think, and live just as you do. I think I’m lonely because I can’t read people’s minds, so I never really know what they are thinking. I don’t know where these trust issues came from :S. It just started recently.
Even if this was all a lie, I have enjoyed life thus far, so why not continue? If everything is fake the feelings I have are real, and that should really matter.
I’m just sick of feeling scared. My worst fear is to be alone, and my anxiety seems to do anything in its power to make me feel isolated. I also worry about talking about this to other people, for fear of introducing these worries into their own minds.
Thankfully I have a psychologist appointment this Friday morning, but I wanted to get my thoughts out there, as I am very scared.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Again, you don't have to offer suggestions, I just wanted to talk.
Hello,
I posted a bit about myself in the introduction thread, and I wasn't sure where to post this. This isn't really just a question, but I find that just talking about my problems can make me feel better. So here is a bit about myself and what I've been going through:
I've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder when I was around 16. I had also been diagnosed with depression at the same time. I got over my depression while I was still in my teens, and my anxiety has come and gone over the years. I have however dealt with an eating disorder off and on, and have had OCD for about as long as I can remember.
I have always been very strict with myself in several aspects (although that didn't include school as much as it should have
) usually regarding my performance and whether or not I am a 'good' enough person.I have a loving family, and have been dating a wonderful man for over 6 years now. We recently moved into the city about 5 or so months ago (a huge change for me, and my first real move since I was about 2 or 3 years old). Before then I lived in a small village, so the city was a new and exciting change for me.
I finally got a decent job with good coworkers, and everything seemed to be going well (except that I felt that I wasn't making enough money, because I could only work a few days a week). My boyfriend said that it didn't matter and that he can cover the costs, but I hate borrowing money from people (even though he said I wasn't borrowing it and that I didn't have to pay it back).
Then I started getting anxiety again. At first I would go about my life and get random panic attacks, and then I started to feel anxious all day long. It was the kind of anxiety you get when you are afraid of getting a panic attack. Then, I started to get panic attacks on the bus. Ever so quickly I started 'cutting out' the things that I feared would give me a panic attack (either by associating past panic attacks or by fear of getting new ones). So, first I could only ride on the bus with someone else, then I couldn't even do that. Then I could only walk to places (or get a drive with someone) with another person, and then even that gave me extreme anxiety.
Soon I was stuck inside (I even had to quite my job), and I had to have someone with me all of the time, for I was afraid of being alone.
When my boyfriend would normally go to work, he went in late so he could stay with me while my family drove to the city to pick me up or spend the day with me so I wouldn't be alone. Although it was very stressful, for a couple weeks I spent the work-week at my parents home, then would go back home to visit with my boyfriend on the weekend while he wasn't at work.
I visited a clinic with my boyfriend, and they ordered some blood tests to be done to be sure that nothing was wrong with me. (I actually have to still go do that, I misplaced the form and I can procrastinate too much! >.<!). The doctor I saw also prescribed me some anti-anxiety pills for when I was feeling particularly off (like adivan (or whatever it’s called), but not the same brand). Unfortunately, due to past events that I need therapy to get over, I cannot take medication as I have a phobia of it. Also, it was the first time I talked about this with her (I had seen her only once before, and this is just after I started getting the anxiety again, before it got to the worst point) and when she asked my family's medical history she said that "I definately needed medication," and when my boyfriend (who came with me
) told her that this just started recently, she changed her mind and said that I may not need it. Anyway, I’ve been making changes for the better to get myself healthier (healthy body can help for a healthy mind). I had already cut out most caffeine (other than the little bit in decaf coffee and tea, and the occasional chocolate thing), quit alcohol (except a tiny sip now and there I drink non alcoholic beer) which is good because I used to drink too much, I will be quitting smoking, and I’ve been more responsible with my sleep and food intake.
My family and boyfriend have helped me immensely, and with their help and the self-help CBT books and online information I have come across; I have come a long way. Now I am able to stay at home during the week while my boyfriend is at work, I walked to the grocery store and coffee shop last week by myself (it takes about 20+ minutes there and back) in the dark, I can travel on the bus with others again, etc.. I’m feeling very optimistic about this!
I also don’t have the crippling day-long anxiety that I had before, and I can sleep a lot better.I still have anxiety that creeps up often enough, but in general I can convince myself out of it. After all, when I think about it, what gives me the most anxiety is just living with the fear of “what if’s”, like “what if I have a panic attack?” and “what if I’m alone and freak out, and I can’t control it?” Well, to be honest the worst that will happen is that I will have a panic attack. That’s it. I won’t go crazy, I won’t die, I won’t hurt myself or anyone else, I’ll just have a measly panic attack that (while horrifying at the time) will probably last 2 or so minutes, and within 10 or so minutes I will be completely fine. That’s it. So, realising that has really helped me, so now when I feel the butterflies in my stomach and the sweaty palms, I just tell myself: “it’s ok, I’ll be fine and the worst that could happen will only last a couple minutes anyway."
The problem I have been having (that’s been really bugging me) is that over the past couple weeks I have been experiencing paranoia. Not extreme, but it has been getting worse. I had a similar feeling when I was younger, and I know that it is caused by stress. The ‘unreal’ feeling can be caused by depression as well.
It’s like, sometimes I worry that life isn’t real. I know that I am alive, but I worry “what if it’s like in the Matrix and I’m hooked up to a computer somewhere and this is an alternate reality” or “what if everyone doesn’t really love me and it’s like I’m in the Truman Show and people are watching me?” (two movies I probably should have never watched, lol XD) or “what if I’m real but everyone else is not?”
It is a terrifying feeling, because I wonder: how will I ever know?
Even though I am aware of how ridiculous this is, it still scares me. I have the logical part of my mind working, saying: everything is real, everyone is real, they are just like you. They feel, think, and live just as you do. I think I’m lonely because I can’t read people’s minds, so I never really know what they are thinking. I don’t know where these trust issues came from :S. It just started recently.
Even if this was all a lie, I have enjoyed life thus far, so why not continue? If everything is fake the feelings I have are real, and that should really matter.
I’m just sick of feeling scared. My worst fear is to be alone, and my anxiety seems to do anything in its power to make me feel isolated. I also worry about talking about this to other people, for fear of introducing these worries into their own minds.
Thankfully I have a psychologist appointment this Friday morning, but I wanted to get my thoughts out there, as I am very scared.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Again, you don't have to offer suggestions, I just wanted to talk.
