Hello from Calgary

[Stryder]

Greetings from Calgary.

I will do my best to keep this sort. I am sure you all have better things to read.

First I am 37 years old Male originally from Halifax Nova Scotia now living in Calgary. I have been married for 7 years, I have a 5 year old son and I work in Information Field Support for the Veritiv Corporation.

I joined this forum to help figure out what is wrong with me and how to deal with it.

A little back ground.

My mother suffers from narcissism it was always about her or what would make her look good. She was not above playing manipulative games to get her way. My father would support her in all she did.

Growing up I was always a little...scatterbrained. Smart but I lacked focus, I would set myself up to do things then well nothing happened. I guess you could say I just gave up. Only I don't remember making a conscious effort to do so. It just sort of fell by the way side.

I was never held back but there are times I wonder if maybe I should have been. I look back at this wondering if maybe I was some stupid child that people took pity on and just kept moving me ahead to be rid of me.

Later in life I was diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression. There were times that I tried to hurt myself and while I am not that way now there are moments even with my medication that I wonder if the world would be a better place with out me.

I find it a struggle to get things done. My wife says its laziness. that I am irresponsible that I do not care...that I do not love her. we often fight over little things and all I can say is when she asks why is "I don't know" and "I am trying"

The truth is I don't know why I am like this. I hate it. I don't want to be this worthless husband. I want to be there for her to support her and not get into arguments over stupid things that I should have gotten done.

I am scared I might be like my mother. I don't want this for me, for my wife for my son. I want to control my life and not feel like I am on the outside looking in on a train wreak.

Anyways that is me and why I am here.

- Stryder

 

[Retired]

Hello Stryder and welcome to Psychlinks! Thanks for joining us and I hope you will find some information and the support you need to figure out your situation.

I find it a struggle to get things done. My wife says its laziness. that I am irresponsible that I do not care...that I do not love her. we often fight over little things and all I can say is when she asks why is "I don't know" and "I am trying"

Obviously we cannot diagnose on the forum, as a diagnosis can only be provided by a medical professional in a face to face interview, but I was struck by your description of how your behaviour is perceived by your wife, and that sounded so much like the feedback we hear about people with adult ADHD, which is why I ask about any associated diagnoses.

If you would like to read more about adult ADHD to explore what the usual symptoms can be, that if it sounds familiar, you can then discuss it with your doctor, have a look at one of my favorite resources ADDitude Magazine , specifically their section on Adult ADHD

I use ADDitude resources all the time in my own support work and have discovered a lot about myself in exploring their articles.

Are you currently receiving any form of treatment or therapy for your anxiety and depression? Were you ever given any other diagnosis of a related disorder like ADHD or OCD in addition to anxiety / depression?

 

[Stryder]

Hello Steve

I take prozak (well a generic form) for my anxiety and depression. 20mg a day

and I se the counselor occasionally when they are available. that is pretty much it.

No I have not received any other testing or diagnostics for anything else.

To be honest I often wondered why I have not been given a proper mental health testing. I feel they just said "You have anxiety and stress here you go" would it not make more sense to properly review so I can be treated properly.

I don't want to use anxiety as a crutch or to blame my short comings on. Or what ever it is that is wrong.

But I want to know so I can deal with it so I can focus on being there for myself and my family.

I will check out the links you sent me this evening. thank you

 

[Retired]

I don't want to use anxiety as a crutch or to blame my short comings on.

Consider another perspective.

Taking the steps to investigate your symptoms and to be assessed by a mental health specialist who can competently diagnose you is not a crutch that excuses your symptoms, but rather is empowerment that allows you to identify the problem, access the resources and treatments you need to regain control of your life.

These are treatable conditions but they need to be competently diagnosed then treated by a mental health specialist, possibly combining temporary or sometimes longer term medication combined with supportive psychotherapy. The combination of appropriate medication along with supportive psychotherapy has a synergistic effect that is greater than either on its own.

Your symptoms are not "shortcomings" but rather symptoms of a medical disorder and are involuntary. The symptoms are not due to personal failure or behavioural deficiency, but rather due to a chemical imbalance in your brain, perhaps due to a genetic predisposition.

Chemical imbalances in the brain are not unlike chemical imbalances in other parts of the body such as diabetes or thyroid dysfunction. People who are diabetic don't see their disorder as having a personal shortcoming, but rather as a medical disorder....and the same should be seen when it comes to mental illness.

Unfortunately old myths and stigmas distort the views and understanding of many people about mental illness, but you can overcome the distortions by continuing to explore what is going on in your life and to get the professional help that can change your life for the better.

You've taken a courageous first step by posting here and looking for direction.

It's up to you to use that information to get help and regain control of your life.

 

[Stryder]

A friend once suggested I might have adhd and to look into it. And looking ovwr it again personally i see aome similarities but I have never spoken to the doctor about it. I mentioned it to my wife once who said that I was just looking for excuses. That I was lazy worthless price of **** that cared only about myself and not my family. Course she was saying this in anger and frustration because something she asked me to do wasn't done. Not wanting to fight more I dropped the topic.

True Ihaven't always been honest with my wife. At the worse of my anxiety years back I made some bad choices and cheated on her. The fact she stayed by my side this long I am thankful for.

But I am tired of feeling lost. It's not that I don't know what needs to get done. Send email to client follow up with a sales Manger program a tablet pick up after myself wash dishes take the trash out...etc etc. I know what needs to be done. Just for some reason I get distracted or overwhelmed or who knows what. Then the arguments happen I look like an uncaring jerk and our son thinks it's something he did to make his mom sad.

I don't want this. I want to be able to do things that need to get done. I want to be able to have my wife depend on me. So we fifht qnd argue less. So she knows that i am there for her and so we can spend more time as a husband and wife that love one another rather then a bickering couple.

She recently told me she dorsnt live me anymore because why should she love someone that doesnt love her.

Dang it. I love that girl. I hate myself for being this way and making her feel like that. But try as i might o cant seem to fix it. I dont know what is wrong with me. Am i flawed?

Issues are not just at home. I want my boss to know if there are things get things done they are getting done. I am tired of getting yelled at at work to the point I am taking anxiety attacks anytime someone mentions his name.

Sorry venting out my frustrations.

I am trying to book another appointment with my family doctor and a therapist and I should bring this up.

 

[Retired]

I am trying to book another appointment with my family doctor and a therapist and I should bring this up.

Excellent! That's the next important step to taking back control of your situation. In speaking with your family doctor, be prepared, by making notes before your visit, to list your symptoms, along with a history of what you can recall as being the issues you've dealt with over the years.

Coming prepared is critical for your doctor to understand what kind of help and referral you need. Doctors are accustomed to working from a person's medical history, so if you come prepared and ready to advocate for yourself that you want to be referred to a mental health specialist for an assessment, you are more likely to be pointed in the right direction.

If you feel comfortable with the idea, invite your wife to come along on your consultation appointments. It may be helpful to both of you that she becomes involved in your treatment, especially for the social support you will need at home. If she understands the issues you're dealing with she is more likely to provide the support you need.

Your therapist should be able to guide with regard to your wife's involvement in your discussions, so you don't feel uncomfortable with her presence during interviews.

As mentioned, the Forum cannot diagnose and there is no way to know if any of your symptoms have an ADHD component, but for your own information that can help you define your symptoms to your doctor, have a look at the Psychlinks ADHD section. At our sister Forum, I have an even more extensive ADHD section HERE where you can explore many of the ADDitude articles that have been reposted.

You may find this one especially informative: What Is ADHD vs. Defiance, Laziness, or Disrespect

Lets keep the discussion going and keep us informed of your progress.

 

[making_art]

Welcome, Stryder!
I agree that getting a full assessment for your symptoms is the way to go. Ask your family doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist or psychologist.

 

[Stryder]

meeting with doctors next week.

 

[Retired]

meeting with doctors next week.

Let us know how it goes and how we might help.

 

[rdw]

Welcome to the forum Stryder. It sounds like you are making some good choices by seeking help! :2thumbs:

 

[Stryder]

it hasn't been easy being this way. always told I had anxiety and depression but I wonder if they diagnosed me wrong years ago

 

[Retired]

It's hard to say what may have taken place years ago; many of the disorders that are diagnosed in adults today were not always recognized as adult disorders years ago, and there could have been insufficient awareness among some practitioners.

Today with greater awareness among the public through the internet, and improved awareness among practitioners, especially when you become informed yourself, you are in a better position to advocate for yourself, and work in partnership with your healthcare provider.

 

[MHealthJo]

Welcome Stryder, and as I was reading I felt Steve had given some really good starting points and info and advice. Hope that you will feel you can have support and info here, nice to meet you.

The other thing is that it's very very common to have more than one diagnosis. It's very common for multiple things to exist together - for example, it's not at all unusual for depression, anxiety, or other things to come hand in hand with ADHD. Schizoid tendencies also come to mind, and all sorts of different combinations can exist together.

ADHD, depression, anxiety, and other things often happen in families where one or both parents had some sort of issue as well, often undiagnosed. Between that possibility, the large variety of issues that can exist in human functioning, the limited awareness the general public has of so many of them, and the gradually-developing nature of the knowledge even in the best professionals and researchers, it's not surprising that things can get missed. Hope that it is a little light of hope for you, knowing that there are friendly people who can offer some guidance and info.

 

[Stryder]

On my way to speak to the doctor. Nervous and on verge of a panic attack. I think it's because i havent been keeping up on chores and getting distracted and distant again. Which means arguments with my wife. I hate being this way. She insists that i am lazy self centred and think only for myself. I dont try to he that way. Wife is meeting me for my appointment she insists i dont have anything wrong and i am just using it as an excuse . Truth is what ever it is it is not an excuse to me its an explanation and the start of figuring out how to heal. But there is a oart of ne that wonders if maybe she is right. Maybe i am just trying to find an exuse then deal with my issues Oh well.

 

[amazingmouse]

It is your right to go to a Doctor, and in your best interest as well. Your wife doesn't sound very understanding of what you are going through or supportive of you, does she? That's hard. Try to find other sources of support, and if you involve a therapist or social worker, maybe she could get some advice from them on how to support you.