Hello,
I was a total wreck yesterday. I felt at wits-end. Thought about going to the hospital, but remembering that's not a place I want to be. I popped a 25 mg. Seroquel, because I couldn't seem to find my way back to myself. My coping, I just couldn't access it in the state I was in.
I gave myself the moniker, "Justaday", which was an inventive coping for where I was at in my head. It's just a day, it's just one of those days. A reminder it can pass. In reaching out (in a sense of desperation), but in consideration of others, I chose not to go with other monikers "no boat, no vote", or "no paddle". I got nailed with some depression, sense of despair and hopelessness.
I'm on Disability for the ptsd-problem. I had to get a mental health worker come in with me to do the interviews for that, because at that time, and from the stress of having to go that route, I was really struggling with bad dissociation.
I've had some bad traumas throughout the years, a long trauma history, a long sequence of 'unfortunate events' exposure, and even at the Disability interview and although they were just asking about 'financial history', my brain is such chopped-liver, too many questions about my history to answer all at once and on demand, sends my brain into a spin, I become disoriented, I struggle to retrieve information.
At one point in that interview, I found myself leaning over and my head was at the same level as the desk and it was like I 'woke up', and I had no idea how long I was there for in that position, I can't remember what preceeded that. I caught a glimpse a look the Mental Health Worker gave the Disability Intake Worker. . . I think I might have been drifting through space, sort of blinking in and out from awareness. My mind just gets frazzled at times.
I've been struggling with PTSD for years, chronic, it went untreated even though I saw a psychiatrist who said they knew what they were doing. . . years later, I discovered a social worker who knew about and flashback management and she was able to teach me that. I'm getting better with it, practicing it with some success.
I'm still struggling with routines though and I broke my foot and was off of it for 6 weeks (I don't have a car, I couldn't even get out to get crutches or to an appointment-- I was hoping it was only a sprain, and I waited too long) and that impacted on my routines as well. I ran into a person from the building, when I was trying to walk over to pay the rent, with this makeshift cane from an old hiking stick-- incredibly painful. I tried to pay the rent earlier in the week, it took me so long to cross the parking lots, the office closed, and I bawled my eyes out, because I knew I was going to be really exhausted for a day or two following. My body is tired from chronic stress, it doesn't heal so well.
Anyway, too much reading, writing, I should have done some crafts, make a new structure. I think that's why I was so vulnerable yesterday. I was trying to make a jump into trying to figure out a career direction, and it was feeling hopeless, so uninspired. I don't want to go into debt for school at my age (I'm 42). I was looking at options and thinking why would I want to even get the loans and sink myself into debt $5k, only to earn minimum wage at the other end of it and have to struggle more to pay that off. I don't own a house, I'm a renter, I don't own a car. My brother, is also really struggling, works hard everyday, heavy physical labour, and he's really struggling to get his credit card debt down and it's depressing for him.
I'm just not able to see a good way through yet. And my mood wasn't good for doing that sort of searching and I should of just accepted that and relaxed about it.
I have to re-establish routines and as well, re-build some physical strength and maybe then it will feel less overwhelming.
My PTSD history is really long. Origins go back to an alcoholic family, and a situation of 'complicated grief' which did affect my personality development, guilt-ridden, over-responsible for others, and I made poor choices. Stayed in unhealthy situations, when it was saner to leave. I can't ignore the importance of having strong interpersonal boundaries with others, because my mind-body are so burnt out, stress really exhausts me, I pay for physically (and this never used to be a problem: but arthritis, IBS, low immune system-- I even lost a patch of hair on my head (and I'm a woman-- it grew back, but that's the thing about stress and how it also effects hormones, cortisol; blood pressure).
Anyway, the crisis of yesterday has passed and I have some perspective on it. I'm good at surviving, just less good at the living and thriving part. It's going to take a heck of a lot of work to pull myself out of it. I wish I could see tangible signs of hope, I don't, so I have to rely on faith. I can see a partial path, the next steps I need to take and really practice not getting distracted, or caught up in bad news.
I was a total wreck yesterday. I felt at wits-end. Thought about going to the hospital, but remembering that's not a place I want to be. I popped a 25 mg. Seroquel, because I couldn't seem to find my way back to myself. My coping, I just couldn't access it in the state I was in.
I gave myself the moniker, "Justaday", which was an inventive coping for where I was at in my head. It's just a day, it's just one of those days. A reminder it can pass. In reaching out (in a sense of desperation), but in consideration of others, I chose not to go with other monikers "no boat, no vote", or "no paddle". I got nailed with some depression, sense of despair and hopelessness.
I'm on Disability for the ptsd-problem. I had to get a mental health worker come in with me to do the interviews for that, because at that time, and from the stress of having to go that route, I was really struggling with bad dissociation.
I've had some bad traumas throughout the years, a long trauma history, a long sequence of 'unfortunate events' exposure, and even at the Disability interview and although they were just asking about 'financial history', my brain is such chopped-liver, too many questions about my history to answer all at once and on demand, sends my brain into a spin, I become disoriented, I struggle to retrieve information.
At one point in that interview, I found myself leaning over and my head was at the same level as the desk and it was like I 'woke up', and I had no idea how long I was there for in that position, I can't remember what preceeded that. I caught a glimpse a look the Mental Health Worker gave the Disability Intake Worker. . . I think I might have been drifting through space, sort of blinking in and out from awareness. My mind just gets frazzled at times.
I've been struggling with PTSD for years, chronic, it went untreated even though I saw a psychiatrist who said they knew what they were doing. . . years later, I discovered a social worker who knew about and flashback management and she was able to teach me that. I'm getting better with it, practicing it with some success.
I'm still struggling with routines though and I broke my foot and was off of it for 6 weeks (I don't have a car, I couldn't even get out to get crutches or to an appointment-- I was hoping it was only a sprain, and I waited too long) and that impacted on my routines as well. I ran into a person from the building, when I was trying to walk over to pay the rent, with this makeshift cane from an old hiking stick-- incredibly painful. I tried to pay the rent earlier in the week, it took me so long to cross the parking lots, the office closed, and I bawled my eyes out, because I knew I was going to be really exhausted for a day or two following. My body is tired from chronic stress, it doesn't heal so well.
Anyway, too much reading, writing, I should have done some crafts, make a new structure. I think that's why I was so vulnerable yesterday. I was trying to make a jump into trying to figure out a career direction, and it was feeling hopeless, so uninspired. I don't want to go into debt for school at my age (I'm 42). I was looking at options and thinking why would I want to even get the loans and sink myself into debt $5k, only to earn minimum wage at the other end of it and have to struggle more to pay that off. I don't own a house, I'm a renter, I don't own a car. My brother, is also really struggling, works hard everyday, heavy physical labour, and he's really struggling to get his credit card debt down and it's depressing for him.
I'm just not able to see a good way through yet. And my mood wasn't good for doing that sort of searching and I should of just accepted that and relaxed about it.
I have to re-establish routines and as well, re-build some physical strength and maybe then it will feel less overwhelming.
My PTSD history is really long. Origins go back to an alcoholic family, and a situation of 'complicated grief' which did affect my personality development, guilt-ridden, over-responsible for others, and I made poor choices. Stayed in unhealthy situations, when it was saner to leave. I can't ignore the importance of having strong interpersonal boundaries with others, because my mind-body are so burnt out, stress really exhausts me, I pay for physically (and this never used to be a problem: but arthritis, IBS, low immune system-- I even lost a patch of hair on my head (and I'm a woman-- it grew back, but that's the thing about stress and how it also effects hormones, cortisol; blood pressure).
Anyway, the crisis of yesterday has passed and I have some perspective on it. I'm good at surviving, just less good at the living and thriving part. It's going to take a heck of a lot of work to pull myself out of it. I wish I could see tangible signs of hope, I don't, so I have to rely on faith. I can see a partial path, the next steps I need to take and really practice not getting distracted, or caught up in bad news.
