Hello!

[amyscrazy]

Hi all! I am looking for some direction as to what may be wrong with me...

I am so full of anxiety that I can't sit still, I shake my legs and can't concentrate at work. I spend most of my waking moments obssesively searching the internet for cats. I adopt them off Craigslist, out of the newspaper, any online resource I can search over and over. I check all day long. I will get several at a time knowing that I can't keep them. I insist on only feeding them the best food, getting them medical treatment and then I end up rehoming them. I can't stop. It is interfering with my family life. I have 4 kids and this is crazy! My anxiety level is through the roof and if I don't search the internet I feel like I will explode. They only way to make this go away is to drink alcohol and that does NOT work for me with so many other responsibilities. Can anyone help me with this or point me in the right direction? I have been on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds but they don't help. I have tried re-directing my anxiety but that only works for a short time. I feel like I am losing my mind. Thank you all in advance.

I have been in therapy several times but never complete it. My excuse is always that I am too busy, never have a babysitter...I just don't follow through.
As embarrassing as this is, I also eat scabs. I scratch my head and eat the skin out from under my nails. I eat hangnails from around my fingers and chew and swallow my fingernails too. Ughhh...I am also chronically anemic, not sure if that matters.

 

[Retired]

Amy,

Welcome to Psychlinks; Sorry to hear about your struggle.

That you have attempted to deal with your issues in therapy is great, however it is entirely up to you to follow through. It's a matter of prioritizing what matters in your life, and according to what you have written, regaining control of your life sems to be important.

It may help to view your situation from another perspective. Suppose your diagnosis would be kidney failure and the only way you could stay alive would be to go for dialysis three times a week.

Would this be your response, in that situation:

My excuse is always that I am too busy, never have a babysitter

Do you have a family support system or a trusted friend who can help you maintain your therapy commitment?

 

[amyscrazy]

I am aware that I need to follow through, I just can't do it...I feel like my 'give a damn is broken'. I do have family who I can be accountable too but they think my issues are spiritual and that I need deliverance. I think the guilt and lack of support plays an issue.

 

[Always Changing]

Do you know if (from previous therapy apts) ? your rescueing of cats is the real problem or is your "obsession with rescueing them" a coping mechansim for something else that is bothering you? Could it be that rescueing cats no longer serves the purpose it used to.

Maybe it might help if you could instead of searching for the cats yourself, could you go along to the animal shelter\cattery and volunteer a few hours a week or something like that, you would still be helping cats and hopefully satisfying your need. and it may help with your family situation too.

I have been on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds but they don't help.

I have been in therapy several times but never complete it.

Maybe time to reevaluate these options. Have you tried these in conjunction with eachother?

 

[amyscrazy]

Thank you for your reply. It really isn't about rescuing the cats, it seems to be about aquiring them. I like to think that I am a responsible person so once I do aquire them, I take very good care of them. Sometimes that means my family goes without or a bill doesn't get paid. I must get certain cats..specific colors really set me off. I email and exaggerate and always get the cat/kitten I want. I check my email over 1000 times a day, this is while at work. The more replies I am expecting the more my anxiety grows and the more I must search. Some nights I barely function with my family. I can't sit through dinner without checking my email. It is about the hunt.
I do volunteer with a local rescue but I totally stress myself out ( I take the bottle babies, the highest need kittens). I want and need all these cats in my life but I will not stand for an apartment (yes, an apartment) that smells like cats. I clean and clean litter boxes and food bowls and vacuum and wash walls. I don't want to smell like a cat lady...but I kinda am. It gets to the point where I have all these cats and the cleaning just overwhelms me to the point that I can't care for my kids. Then I get rid of them all..I don't really care who takes them...This just adds to my guilt. I took these cats from people who would have kept them forever and then I gave them to any joe blow who would come get them. :facepalm: It is completely overwhelming and driving. Sometimes the anxiety is so bad I pick my face bloody. I pick any bump. I also shake my legs to the point that I am exhausted at the end of the day. I get such a build up of anxiety that I have to go to the bathroom and jump and flail my arms around, I must release it. This doesn't make any sense to me, I don't know what sets it off, I don't know how to control it. I know I need to re-visit therapy and medication. I do the same things with them that I do with the cats... I embrace the therapy/medication and then I get rid of it. I just can't seem to follow through.
I have been in college for 23 yrs :undecided:

 

[NakedWombat]

Welcome Amy. Hope you can find the support you are seeking here.

 

[AmZ]

Welcome

 

[Always Changing]

I embrace the therapy/medication and then I get rid of it. I just can't seem to follow through.

Maybe you will once your family have left you and you no longer have a roof over your head!. Do you think or have you given thought at all that this scenario could happen if you continue as you have been doing?

While you have a need that is not being met, (no matter how many cats or what color etc you acquire) your family's needs are being neglected also. This is a viscous circle and one that only you can break.
Your mental health is being seriously affected by this and I hope for your sake that you can go back to your doctor or psychiatrist and start (or restart) medication, allow the medication to help reduce your anxieties, go back into therapy, find a therapist who can help you to figure out why this started in the first place, While at the same time is supporting you with coping strategies to help in your day to day life.

(I wonder if an addiction support group could help in some way?)
Meantime break your days down to hours, the minutes and then the sec's.. do anything other than go on the internet (or elswhere) looking for cats. If you can start with a minutes delay then 2 mins etc etc. it might help. Whatever you are comfortable with to start.

Talk with your doctor Amy and do it sooner rather than later. :hug: