My weight has been a problem for me ever since I was a child. I was teased by other kids. I became shy and avoided participating in physical activities. However, I managed to get by school because my good grades were in my favour and every other kid thought I was smart.
When I got to my teens, I started getting more and more self-conscious. I stopped eating much and went through a very rapid weight loss that resulted in an illness. But that wasn’t a problem, I got treated and actually loved how that worked out, it boosted my confidence.
As years went by, I became more and more critical about myself. About two years ago, things got really bad. I spent forever making weight loss plans, measuring myself and drawing pictures of my ideal self – I still do all these to date. I would stay up at night just thinking of how life would be if I were thin. I started getting headaches that really bugged me and my doctors never got to know what the problem was. I hit rock bottom. I argued with my dad every night. I decided to punish myself. The plan was that, I would put everything on hold until I lost the weight. I started avoiding public places and dreaded going to school. Sometimes I would get so anxious outside that I would have to catch the first bus home. I also started missing school and my grades plummeted.
It all got so frustrating that I finally opened up to the school psychologist. However, I felt that this didn’t help much so I quit. I started overdosing and harming myself. I stopped when I realised it was just making me uglier so I started purging. I felt so guilty for wasting food when other people had none, so I stopped eating instead. During the summer I stayed in the house for two weeks straight without getting out, I just exercised and barely ate. I lost weight and was happy until I gained it all back in the fall. I got so angry with myself and decided to take an initiative. I joined a gym and things started to look up.
My gym buddy left, so I stopped going. I started exercising at home. I read this self-help book and followed it like the gospel. No one seemed to notice that I was getting thin. This upset me. I regretted that I had alienated people before. Even my closest friends didn’t seem to notice. I began to reminisce the times when I was smart and had loads of friends and participated in school. That’s when I realised that I never really amounted to who I could be because of my weight. So I started blaming my parents for not bringing me up right and for giving me bad genes. I hate my teeth, my skin, my facial structure...I hate doing this but I can’t stop.
For a few months now I have been having thoughts of suicide. I really want to do it but I can’t because I feel selfish. In addition, I’ll be fat when I do it. What a failure. I feel like my problems are so vain to die over. I will cause my family pain. Besides, I haven’t done enough in this life. I just want to be fine and grow up normal. My future in college is already in jeopardy because I missed so much. My parents won’t let me go back another year. I feel confined in my own prison. I need help. I can’t let my parents know what I do. They are already so frustrated, my mother cries when I act out because she can’t understand. I am letting them down. I need to get better soon. I want to go to college, ride a motorcycle, bungee jump, dance, work, get married, the whole package. I swear sometimes I feel like I could just...
Sorry for writing such a long message. I would really appreciate your help.
When I got to my teens, I started getting more and more self-conscious. I stopped eating much and went through a very rapid weight loss that resulted in an illness. But that wasn’t a problem, I got treated and actually loved how that worked out, it boosted my confidence.
As years went by, I became more and more critical about myself. About two years ago, things got really bad. I spent forever making weight loss plans, measuring myself and drawing pictures of my ideal self – I still do all these to date. I would stay up at night just thinking of how life would be if I were thin. I started getting headaches that really bugged me and my doctors never got to know what the problem was. I hit rock bottom. I argued with my dad every night. I decided to punish myself. The plan was that, I would put everything on hold until I lost the weight. I started avoiding public places and dreaded going to school. Sometimes I would get so anxious outside that I would have to catch the first bus home. I also started missing school and my grades plummeted.
It all got so frustrating that I finally opened up to the school psychologist. However, I felt that this didn’t help much so I quit. I started overdosing and harming myself. I stopped when I realised it was just making me uglier so I started purging. I felt so guilty for wasting food when other people had none, so I stopped eating instead. During the summer I stayed in the house for two weeks straight without getting out, I just exercised and barely ate. I lost weight and was happy until I gained it all back in the fall. I got so angry with myself and decided to take an initiative. I joined a gym and things started to look up.
My gym buddy left, so I stopped going. I started exercising at home. I read this self-help book and followed it like the gospel. No one seemed to notice that I was getting thin. This upset me. I regretted that I had alienated people before. Even my closest friends didn’t seem to notice. I began to reminisce the times when I was smart and had loads of friends and participated in school. That’s when I realised that I never really amounted to who I could be because of my weight. So I started blaming my parents for not bringing me up right and for giving me bad genes. I hate my teeth, my skin, my facial structure...I hate doing this but I can’t stop.
For a few months now I have been having thoughts of suicide. I really want to do it but I can’t because I feel selfish. In addition, I’ll be fat when I do it. What a failure. I feel like my problems are so vain to die over. I will cause my family pain. Besides, I haven’t done enough in this life. I just want to be fine and grow up normal. My future in college is already in jeopardy because I missed so much. My parents won’t let me go back another year. I feel confined in my own prison. I need help. I can’t let my parents know what I do. They are already so frustrated, my mother cries when I act out because she can’t understand. I am letting them down. I need to get better soon. I want to go to college, ride a motorcycle, bungee jump, dance, work, get married, the whole package. I swear sometimes I feel like I could just...
Sorry for writing such a long message. I would really appreciate your help.
