Help Please

[jeffrey]

This is my situation.My partner and i had a baby ten weeks ago,my partner has been on citalopram for most of the pregnancy and still is,she has a history of depression,recently she scored very high for postnatal depression when the health worker gave her a questioaire to fill out.

Against all of my reasoning with her she intends to ingest Mescaline containing cacti this saturday,for all of you that don`t know what that is,it is a cacti that contains an illegal drug that is similar in it`s action to LSD or acid as it was commonly reffered to back in the 60`s and 70`s,Mescaline is a very powerful mind altering drug that is pschedelic in it`s effects and lasts anywhere up to 10 or 12 hours.

My partner has stopped taking her medication so that she can take this cactus,she believes that it will heal her,she believes it will improve all of our lives,i have also told her to tell her doctor what she intends to do,she told me she did and that the doctor said it was ok and that he will monitor her...This i find hard to believe so i have contacted the surgery and am waiting for him to telephone me back.

I don`t know what else to do,regardless of how i feel or what i say she will do what she wants,she doesn`t really consider me,she also intends to do Ayahuasca in the future which is another hallucinogenic drug that is illegal and is very powerful.I don`t think i can continue to be in a relationship with someone who disregards me in this way,even if she was to be healed,even if she became a better person for indulging in these drugs it still doesn`t change that fact.The woman who she is doing this with i do not like,i believe she is not a good influence to our family,i protested to my partner not to take our little boy round to this womans house,but she ignored my wishes,i have done all i possibly can to help my partner but it seems it is not enough,it seems that our family life is not enough,i believe she is taking an unecessary risk with her mental health.

I think of my boys future and don`t know weather to stay for his sake so that i may have an influence in his upbringing but i feel that i wouldn`t have much influence anyway,and i don`t want to argue with my partner about these things as it is a waste of time and energy,this whole situation is getting me down to the point of not feeling well anymore,i`m looking for someone to tell me what to do,but i know only i can decide,am i being unreasonable about all of this? Am i wrong? Am i to blame? Please could you give me your opinions on what maybe i can do...Please help!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

This certainly sounds like an ill-advised decision on the part of your partner.

I'm not certain of the laws in your part of the world but there are some steps you could take, I think, although they are a little drastic. First, you can try to appeal to her on the grounds of the welfare of your 10 week old baby, and if that doesn't change her mind you could let her know that her decision could potentially endanger the welfare of the baby and that if she persists it will be reported to children's protective services. You indicate that you wonder about staying for the sake of your child but you might also consider leaving for the sake of your child - talk to a lawyer but I would think you have a reasonable chance of obvtaining custody if she goes through with this.

Another option would be to relay your fears to your family doctor (or her family doctor). A phsyician cannot disclose medical information about her to you but that doesn't mean you cannot provide information to the doctor. Again, you can let your partner know that this is an option you will seriously consider if she insists on going through with this "plan".

As a third option, is there any one else - a friend or family member or neighbor - that she would listen to if she will not listen to you?

 

[jeffrey]

I think my partner believes that i am trying to control her from who she sees and what she does,i`ve already told her how i feel about her friend,but i have already told her that she is big enough and old enough to have who she wants as friends,it`s quite exceptable to not have to like everyone you meet and it just so happens that i don`t like her friend...Thats ok.

What i didn`t want is my boy to be around that woman,i already stated to my partner that when my boy gets older then he can decide for himself if he wants to join his mother in visiting this woman but until then i am resposible for his wellfare and upbringing,i am his farther.

It is healthy to have different interests in a relationship and healthy to agree to disagree on certain subjects,but when i feel strongly about something then i feel i have the right to speak up and not made to feel that i am wrong in doing so,am i wrong to think this,am i being controlling in this instance?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I think you are being controlling, yes. But whether or not she hangs out with her friend is quite a different issue from that of drug use.

 

[Angela]

Dear Help Please and Wife,
Sorry you're in such an icky spot.
i presume to remind you the little newborn is her baby AND your baby You are BOTH responsible for providing what is best for him. If she's using illegal hallucinogens, what might she "hallucinate when she looks at the beautiful little guy; that would be a concern. Also, if she's breast-feeding, those drugs she's using, like many drugs and meds, can be given to the baby through breast milk . In the years when i was practicing Public Health Nursing, it was pretty usual for new parents or somebody on their behalf, often the OB/GYN doctor or the baby's pediatrician, request a home visit be made by the nurse to identify any ways she might offer help to the new parents, and at the same time, to assess the safety of the home environment for the baby. Calls like this can also be made to social workers and in each case the caller may start with, "I insist on remaining anonymous." and then spousal fights are less likely to begin. Just be careful that you both soul-search to be sure you aren't using a little vulnerable human being as an object to use in a "game" of control.He's not a thing to be owned. He's an infant to be nurtured and cherished.
Okay, that's the end of my 2-cents worth.
Angela