Heroin and me

[bail]

So brief little intro to my backround.

So I have had a history of being a alcholic from 15 to 19, had around a year off the booze.

Then got on to benzos just before I was 20 and then on heroin at 20, then from March this year started my detox of heroin and benzos, using Subutex to get off the heroin, and valium to get off the benzos. Im nearing the end of my detox of the valium on the last week now! On 2mg of Valium having been at a peak of at least 15+ x 10mg valium a day.... now I never used them to sleep, I just plan enjoyed them... so far it has not been to bad, but IM getting nervous about what its going to be like next friday after my last dose, excited but nervous.... I have epilepsy so im nervous about having seizures, but the main part is staying clean, iv been an addict of some sort since i have been 15 on earth am I going to stay clean. I know I need to.... I just dont really know how to function without being 'out of it'

Then next by far the biggest thing is going to be in 6 weeks or so when I get off my Subutex, that is going to be TOUGH, but i worry im going to use valium to make it easier EVEN though I know I cant, it would be stupid of me, but when you are feeling 'sick' due to lack of opiates you will do anything to make yourself feel better.... i cant imagine my self using heroin, but benzos YEP I really can....

And also staying clean like the benzos, im just wanna know what the hell i can do, yeah stay busy as possible and all that, but I just dont trust myself to get a job, start earning cash, and being responsible with it... its going to be hard, i know that.... I really dont wanna mess up... im only 21 i gotta get my sh*t together!!

thanks... have any questions just post em. easy.

 

[Retired]

Hello Bail and welcomew to Psychlinks.

What if any treatment are you receiving for your seizures?

but I just dont trust myself to get a job, start earning cash, and being responsible with it...

How do you plan to support yourself?

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Hi there bail, welcome to the forum!

You sound like you are looking for support, and of course this forum is a good start. But you probably could use some real-life, as opposed to virtual support here... Have you tried looking for a Narcotics Anonymous group? Did you know you can request a buddy through AA or NA who you can call anytime for help?

If you are worried about starting something full time and being overwhelmed, would it be realistic to start at something part time? Because perhaps if you at least went to see a therapist of some kind, then you wouldn't have to worry about missing work. If you found that having a part time job left you with too much time on your hands, you could also try volunteering. You could volunteer at a soup kitchen (you might notice some of the homeless folks may be addicted to drugs or alcohol and you could use that as a reminder to stay off the stuff), or you could work/volunteer in after school programs or a Big Brother association (perhaps working with kids whose parents have abandoned them or can't look after them because they are drug addicts)... You know, something to keep you grounded and thinking about reasons to stay on your path to recovery rather than slip back down the slippery slope... Something to keep you tenaciously focused on your goal.

It might help to keep a journal. It might be encouraging when you look back at your journal and see: "Last time I did drugs was XX/XX/XX and it's been a week...." Then "XX/XX/XX was the last time I did drugs and it's been a whole MONTH!" You could jot down your struggles, think about how you got to your lowest point and how/what made you decide to turn yourself around... You could keep that stuff to yourself if you wanted, or if you went to a therapist or drug counselor you could share some of those thoughts with him/her...

Keep your eye on the prize, man! You can do it.

 

[bail]

Iam getting real life help BUT I just moved from a city which had good support charity BUT i could not get away from gear SO i moved to another city which has a delay on counseling, I have a key worker who helps, but extra help is useful. But at least im safer were iam now, I know nobody which is a big help.

I dont actually like the NA or AA approach im afraid, I find far too many people give up just using NA as in not using methadone or subutex, so the relapse rate is HUGE. So you would find your 'buddy' was relapsing within a week or 2, disnt answer their phone, and after 5-6 times it gets way to annoying. Where as the charity has people who are clean are their for you, but the city I have moved to isnt as big, so the charity is not as good.

I take medications to control my epilepsy, Lamtrogine 50mg x 2 a day.

Well inorder to get money I plan on getting a job in a warehouse, i dont want to get a job, im just wary about having money again... I plan to do voluntary work also.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Hm, there you go, maybe you could find work on a farm or acreage in the surrounding area, and instead of payment you could agree to just having food and shelter for pay. I don't know if there would be a place to do that inside the city...

 

[Retired]

Where as the charity has people who are clean are their for you, but the city I have moved to isnt as big, so the charity is not as good.........Well inorder to get money I plan on getting a job in a warehouse, i dont want to get a job, im just wary about having money again

Do you have any intention to become self independent or do you see the rest of your life relying on charity fo survival?

If you want independence, then you need to learn the skills of self control and personal discipline, skills that can be learned, so that you can manage your life based on priorities and not on self indulgent whims.

How do you see yourself in 5, 10 and 30 years?

 

[bail]

Im going into voluntary work so I can get onto a Social Work degree, and as I said I will get a job in a warehouse.... The bit saying I dont want a job was a mistake!!!

I dont see how im surviving on charities, they are semi local Govt drug groups... you see in the UK helping people who abuse drugs helps.

Im just nervous about having money again, thats all. Where do I see myself in 5 years just out of uni, hopefully starting out in Social Work, dependant on how the economy is!! Govt spending in the UK aint great, especially locally!! BIG cuts.