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Cybil2U

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Joined
Oct 31, 2004
Messages
20
Points
1
Hi, my name is Linda, I just turned 50 <eeekk....j/k...well, sort of)...I reside in Northern California, am single, medically retired from state service, but work part time for various temp agencies.

I have a son and stepdaughter, both grown and between the two of them 5 beautiful grandkids.

I lost my stepson in May and my mom in Feb. Prior to my mom's demise, and quite a number of years back, I lost two sisters and my dad. As for immediate family members, I'm pretty much it. I feel like a fish out of water.........if that makes any sense.......not quite sure where I belong.....or even where I'm at lol for that matter.......Okkkk, more than enough about me .......

Anyway, I really don't recall how I found this site .......but am firm believer that things happen for a reason and there are no coincidences.

I'm happy to be here and look forward to chatting and getting to know all of you.
 

David Baxter

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Hi, Linda...

When you're ready, tell us a bit more about that "fish out of water" thing... do you mean you don't have a sense of direction at this point in your life?
 

jubjub

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Jul 24, 2004
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120
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Welcome, Linda! I know you will find this site extremely helpful and interesting. Have a good look around and I look forward to seeing you in some of our forums!

Anna
 

Cybil2U

Member
Joined
Oct 31, 2004
Messages
20
Points
1
David Baxter said:
Hi, Linda...

When you're ready, tell us a bit more about that "fish out of water" thing... do you mean you don't have a sense of direction at this point in your life?


Hi Dr. Baxter,

I mean when my sister(s) died, (my olders sister and I were like twins and inseparable, even with an eight year difference), ...I still had my parents and when my father died, I still had my mom ......and then my mom died, and stepson and I look around and my family is gone. When you lose someone close that you love, your world as you knew it, is never the same. I have never felt more alone and isolated in my entire life - and that's something coming from one who has always been pretty much a loner...I feel like I'm just floating out in space and there is not another living soul around.....I miss my family very much and just feel very lost without them.
 

Kanadiana

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Joined
Jul 24, 2004
Messages
377
Points
18
Cybil2U said:
Hi, my name is Linda, I just turned 50 <eeekk....j/k...well, sort of)...

I lost my stepson in May and my mom in Feb. Prior to my mom's demise, and quite a number of years back, I lost two sisters and my dad. As for immediate family members, I'm pretty much it. I feel like a fish out of water.........if that makes any sense.......not quite sure where I belong.....or even where I'm at lol for that matter.......Okkkk, more than enough about me ........

Hi Linda,

I think I know some of the feelings your dealing with. Kinda like mega-empty-nest syndrome and grieving the losses and changes and wondering... 'Who the hell am I NOW and how do I go on?" Like a lost fish at sea.

I've gone through similar losses ... and when they hit home its like we don't know how to exist outside of the roles we had with our loved ones. :( We miss them so much and currently haven't filled those gaps left behind.

I find that talking about my feelings and things has helped a lot. No one can ever replace these people, or fill their shoes, but we still need to learn how to fill the needs we can, without them.

I've found it really helps me to be working on a family history, family tree ... (unless its still too hurting to do this) I've come to terms with losing so many people and its nice to learn more about them and their lives. My parents. (I'm an orphan now too and that really is a bereft feeling for me sometimes. Learning about their histories helps me understand them better, even if they're gone.) My Mom's side, have all passed on.

My sisters and cousins are now the eldest generation of Moms side left. My eldest sister has just been diagnosed with lung cancer... so ... our generation is now leaving us as well.

It brings me a lot of peace to find my family's "stories" ... and share them with us that are left. Good bad or indifferent, family history is family history. I cry, yes. Long for them, yes. But just because they're gone doesn't mean my relationship with them is over or unfulfilling somehow.

I "feel" them ... :) (and when I getto the other side,boy am I going to give my Mom and Dad hell for some stuff... but after I tell them I love them and thanks )

We all get through thse things in our own ways hey?

hugs ...
 

Cybil2U

Member
Joined
Oct 31, 2004
Messages
20
Points
1
Hi there!

Yes, that is exactly how I feel - like Humpty Dumpty who fell off the wall - only the wall came tumbling down too. I tell my son some of my feelings, however, he was very close to my mom and dad and I see his eyes begin to get watery and also he trys to help me but doesnt quite know what to do and it hurts him to see me hurting. I have friends but none that are "close" and my two best girlfriends and also co-workers turned their back on me for future promotions (I was blackballed at my former place of employment after 20 yrs [I told the truth - silly me!]). Thanks so much for writing - I appreciate it ;-)
 

Kanadiana

Member
Joined
Jul 24, 2004
Messages
377
Points
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Cybil2U said:
Hi there!

Yes, that is exactly how I feel - like Humpty Dumpty who fell off the wall - only the wall came tumbling down too. I tell my son some of my feelings, however, he was very close to my mom and dad and I see his eyes begin to get watery and also he trys to help me but doesnt quite know what to do and it hurts him to see me hurting. I have friends but none that are "close" and my two best girlfriends and also co-workers turned their back on me for future promotions (I was blackballed at my former place of employment after 20 yrs [I told the truth - silly me!]). Thanks so much for writing - I appreciate it ;-)

I thought I understood LOL and you say it precisely about the walls coming down too. Its like the roles we filled no longer exist and all of a sudden we're left with all these usual impulses and no where to do them, no one to receive (or give to) Thats where learning more about their lives helped me. The crying was good too ... just acknowledging the missing and why.

Did I mention I'm 50 as well??? EEK Getting to look more like my Mom and Granny every day ... the wrinkles and stuff LOL Wanna whine about all the joys of turning 50? LOL Actually, there are lots of perks and freedoms from pressures along with all the transitions that come. I can dig that!

That must be such a blow about the job and friends. You must feel really betrayed :( Sounds like a "shoot the messenger" trip.

I hope you find this a good place to express some stuff and start finding some solid new fulfilments to start building on ... Humpty can and does get put back together in this case... just a little differently is all. Time ...

I know th "lost" feeling very well. Horribly uncomfortable to exprience ... but it does ease off as things start growing again.

Til next time ... Kanadiana :)
 

Cybil2U

Member
Joined
Oct 31, 2004
Messages
20
Points
1
Kanadiana said:
Cybil2U said:
Hi there!

Yes, that is exactly how I feel - like Humpty Dumpty who fell off the wall - only the wall came tumbling down too. I tell my son some of my feelings, however, he was very close to my mom and dad and I see his eyes begin to get watery and also he trys to help me but doesnt quite know what to do and it hurts him to see me hurting. I have friends but none that are "close" and my two best girlfriends and also co-workers turned their back on me for future promotions (I was blackballed at my former place of employment after 20 yrs [I told the truth - silly me!]). Thanks so much for writing - I appreciate it ;-)

I thought I understood LOL and you say it precisely about the walls coming down too. Its like the roles we filled no longer exist and all of a sudden we're left with all these usual impulses and no where to do them, no one to receive (or give to) Thats where learning more about their lives helped me. The crying was good too ... just acknowledging the missing and why.

Did I mention I'm 50 as well??? EEK Getting to look more like my Mom and Granny every day ... the wrinkles and stuff LOL Wanna whine about all the joys of turning 50? LOL Actually, there are lots of perks and freedoms from pressures along with all the transitions that come. I can dig that!

That must be such a blow about the job and friends. You must feel really betrayed :( Sounds like a "shoot the messenger" trip.

I hope you find this a good place to express some stuff and start finding some solid new fulfilments to start building on ... Humpty can and does get put back together in this case... just a little differently is all. Time ...

I know th "lost" feeling very well. Horribly uncomfortable to exprience ... but it does ease off as things start growing again.

Til next time ... Kanadiana :)
Hi, I realize my reply is a couple of months after your post and apologize. Thanksgiving and Christmas were extremely difficult for me this year and I just sort of wished I could cease to exist during this period. My son made Thanksgiving dinner and I got ready to go over and then couldnt - he is renting my moms house from me and I just couldnt get myself in the right mindset and didnt want to go over there all gloomy and mess up their day and then Christmas he and his wife and the baby went to Texas to her family and that really threw me for a loop, but on the flipside and non selfish side I know she misses her family, as I do mine.

Anyway, I realize that it isnt just the loss of family but also the loss of my job and friends and until I learn how to let go of that deep hurt, I will remain "stuck" in the spot I've been in for the last 4 years. You know how you dream you are running but you arent getting anywhere .........perfect description.

But, it is a new year and with that I am going to strive towards a new beginning. I have volunteered for an organization called CASA. It is a position appointed by the judge and you become a child's advocate and their voice in court. I have always loved the legal field and thought this would be a great opportunity and I'm sure challenge, if I were to be selected (after thorough background check and 3 indept interviews) to help a child and get back into the legal work field (I was a clerk in misdemeanor court 4 yrs temp county position) and a legal secty for the state for 4 of my 20 yrs) and in both those positions I exceled and do my best under pressure and actually thrive on it (crazy as it sounds). This volunteer position is simply that volunteer and if I should be lucky enough to be selected, great, and if not there may be another area within the organization that I could help and perhaps that would be a better starting point. If I can help an abused and/or neglected child in any capacity, I would get great pleasure from giving and helping. Ok, I realize I sort of jumped around here.....sorry about that. Hope this finds everyone well and wish us all a very Happy and Brite New Year ...........
 

Lana

Member
Joined
Dec 7, 2004
Messages
1,206
Points
36
Hi Cybil;
I’m in my late 30’s and don’t have any family of my own, never did.

I am married and few people tell me that my husbands’ family is my family. They are, I get along well with them, but it’s not the same. Who knows, it’s quite possible that I idealize a unit we call family. Holidays are very difficult for me. I find that I walk a very thin line between deep depression and normalcy (whatever it is for me), occasionally sinking and having a good cry. I did try to talk to a couple of friends about it, but find that their reaction is, more often then not, aggressive. The advice I get is, “Accept it and move on”, or “Make your own family”, or “Oh gee, that’s too bad, hope you feel better soon.” I don’t get upset with them, they can’t possibly understand. But I do tend to get upset at myself for letting that slip out. There is no way to explain how that feels.

For me, there is no place I can go to when things get rough. There is no one that would care for me without judgment. There is no one that would correct me if I’m doing something wrong and guide me. There is no comfort. Basically, it feels like I’m homeless (and I’ve been there too, so know I’m not too far off)

Last year my brother in law got engaged and we (my husbands family and myself) were invited to the brides’ family home for Christmas. There I sat, in a roomful of 13 people, all related, moms, dads, sisters, and brothers. And then there was I. The parents sat and laughed and talked about their babies, how they grew up, their personalities and quirks. Their children were reminiscing how it was growing up, the trials and tribulations. I saw so much pride and love in their eyes, the affectionate touches and knowing smiles.

I felt numb and mute and really wished I could just disappear. And at the same time, felt guilty for even thinking that way. It was their special event. So, with that in mind, I sucked it all up and put on a smile. It was the first year after I revisited my past with my doctor and a good test to see where I’m at. And in that, I find that I’m still work in progress.
 

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