Hi everyone !

[Techie]

Its nice to have a place where I can exchange thoughts with others who have been where I have been... many times a very lonely place.

I’m 35, married and suffer from chronic PTSD and Anxiety Disorder, have been diagnosed and in treatment for almost 15 years now.

I am highly intelligent, analytical and extremely intuitive with regards to peoples emotions... something that causes me troubles at times. I have even been called 'psychic' because I can read body language and posture FAR TOO well !

For the depression I have tried almost every med... nothing helps. Have been inpatient several times and been in outpatient 'day-hospital' programs for 1.5 years in the past... have seen more psychs that I can remember and nothing has really ever helped for long.

I suffer from all the typical symptoms of PTSD and AD. Find it nearly impossible to lead a 'normal' life... my biggest problem now is the anger I have at myself for 'being' the way I am and 'feeling' the way I feel. I just cant seem to be able to pick up the pieces and get on with life.

I have a volatile temper (argumentative & threatening but not physically violent) that is easily triggered. This has intensified in the past few years.

Relationships are a big problem for me (even now being married), they have tended to be dependant/co-dependant and rocky. My wife is TRULY patient and understanding and loves me dearly... much more than I feel I deserve and I trust her totally. I am loyal to her as well.

Perhaps somebody here can share ideas on something with me... I will try to explain as best I can...

PLEASE try to ignore the impression that I am a person who is egotistical !! This following issue is and has been a real problem for me !

Looking at my story as an 'outsider'... if that makes sense... I could be seen as being manipulative. I guess it is a form of manipulation.

The reason: I 'adapt' my personality to suit women. I THINK this is to some level unintentional, another level desired... but the result is women become very 'attracted' to me very quickly... almost like a 'lust' if that makes sense. It happened all the time... and I loved it... or I think I did (do?)... but since I have married I don’t 'do' it anymore... now I use my bitterness to keep everybody at a distance. The weird thing is I am very heavy and don’t fit the picture of being highly attractive ! BUT non-the-less I would have HIGHLY attractive women not just hitting on me but making outright attempts to get me to have sex with them !

In the past I have used these 'emotional relationships' like a food ... using it to help from feeling so worthless and unloved... but now that I cant use it (obviously for moral reasons now I am married... I would never cheat on my wife !) and again I feel worthless and lonely ... even though I have a REAL loving wife !!!

In the past the relationships have turned sexual (I have always been adept at keeping the woman 'desiring' me for as long as possible to allow me to feel wanted), but once the relationship turned sexual I lost interest. The 'hunt', if you can call it that, has been making the woman WANT me... once they had me (or I had them) there was no interest.

I can’t understand what is happening... and more and more lately I have been desiring this kind of 'relationship'. I feel dirty and confused and I am harbouring a desire I cannot get rid of.

I guess now that I look at it... I think this has happened with my wife !

Can anybody offer advice ??

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Welcome to PsychLinks Online, Techie.

There are some exercises that in the Resources: Self-Help Exercises & Readings section that you might find helpful for exploring self-esteem and self-concept issues. Give them a try and see if they cast any light on where these feelings are coming from:

Sentence Completion Exercises on Self-Esteem, Responsibility
Developing Insight into Self-Concept
Influences on Self-Concept


and perhaps Insight into Negative Feelings

 

[ThatLady]

Welcome to the forums, techie, and thanks for the insight into the troubling things with which you're trying to deal.

What's going on in your life in the moment, outside your marriage? Is the stress level at work unusually high? Are there other stresses pressuring you, perhaps unrecognized ones? Do you have hobbies, or friends that you enjoy just hanging out with? Do you participate in a sport or recreational activity that will aid you in diffusing stress? Have you identified some short-term goals you'd like to accomplish?

Knowing those things will help us, and thinking about them may help you to focus, along with reading some of the materials here on PTSD, AD, anger management and addictions. The more we know about our "enemy" the better equipped we are to fight it and lay it to rest.

 

[Techie]

Hi and thank you for the welcome...

I first have to say sorry for not posting back sooner... I have not been feeling well physically or emotionally for a while now and I have been embarrassed at the prospect of going over the things that occupy my mind... I find it hard to make posts... but I have at least been coming back each day and following other threads. In the past I would have just given up and not come back.

To start and to answer a previous question: I am a highly stressed person. I know all the anti-stress techniques but seem to never be able to apply them.

There is stress at home... I moved to Australia from Canada... the social/cultural and seasonal differences have been hard for me to deal with...

I moved here in Feb 2000 to live with my fiancé. We married in April same year and my wife fell pregnant within 2 months of our marriage. The problem was... from the day she conceived until two days after giving birth she threw up DAY and NIGHT ALL the time. The first year... I was widowed (figuratively). Was never able to bond with my wife... poor thing was always sick. Now I feel like we are strangers... more like room-mates than a married couple.

While I understood she was sick... I guess I longed to be close to her. And it hurt that I could not be. So I learned to turn off my feelings of wanting to be close... and now I can’t turn them back on. My heart was broken.

Our son was born two days before our first wedding anniversary. We spent our first anniversary in hospital with my wife recovering from a C section where it was a close call for her... she had a reaction to the spinal block and it stopped her autonomic breathing. They had to bag her and then put her on a respirator. I was scared to death I was going to lose her and be stuck here with a baby I had no idea how to take care of in a strange country with no family of my own and with no friends...

On top of everything... the list of medical problems I have just does not end. When I first arrived... within a couple of weeks... I was doing some light yard work and my bad back gave out.

My back has been bad for many years... hurt it lifting an engine from a car years ago back in Canada... but after hundreds of visits to doctors and specialists and x-rays they all said the same thing... NOTHING WRONG with my back. It was muscles or something. Well... once I was able to walk again... went to my new local doc here in Australia... he sent me to local x-ray place... half an hour and $75 later had a CT scan of my entire lower spinal area and they found the problem... a disk was herniated and when it gets inflamed... swells up and presses in on my spinal cord.

Anyway... I could not walk for almost 3 weeks. And I mean I could NOT get off the floor ! Even to go to the toilet ! I lived on the floor in our bedroom. My fiancé or somebody in the family always looking after me. I could not be moved off the floor I was in so much pain ! It felt like every bone in my lower body was exploding outwards... like the bones were breaking and turning inside out.

I was only able to walk the day before the wedding for the rehearsal ! I had to use a cane to lean on... it was hell.

In addition, I have always been a bad sleeper YEARS and YEARS of suffering... chronic insomnia... headaches... snoring etc... all of which my docs back in Canada were aware of... best advice I got was 'lose weight' or exercise etc. I did... nothing helped.

Got here and doc says... ok you are going for sleep study next Monday... all booked into hospital... test done and what do they find ? The quote from the specialist is that he has only ever seen ONE other case as bad as mine and the guy is now dead. My oxygen levels drop to about 40% average for MOST of the night. Extremely complicated case of sleep apnoea where most people would normally wake... I continue to stay semi asleep and drift between asleep and semi-awake. Treatment... SIMPLE. Was placed on a CPAP machine and no problems since. Well, at least for the apnoea ! Still have insomnia though !

It just blows me away that I have suffered all these years and I had to go to another country to find the problems and be cured. I wonder how many other people in Canada suffer like this because of unavailable medical care ? God... I hear stories how it takes forever to get a CT scan or MRI back in Canada... HERE... I can call my doctor and within half an hour be down at the radiology clinic getting a CT scan or MRI. Hell, even WITHOUT medical insurance... an MRI only costs $120 here. Even a full body 3T only costs $250.

But you know... outside of the great medical system here... I HATE it here. I miss home... and I don’t know why. I have had more opportunities here. I had a good paying job here (studying now so no income at moment)... have a home... a new car... a caring family but I HATE it. WHY ?

I am so stressed out I cant think straight.

I’ve since developed Gall stones (gall bladder removed via laparoscopic surgery) and kidney stones (stones surgically removed).

Am on medication for hyperacidity in my stomach... on medication for high cholesterol... on medication to help prevent inflammation in my back... I am always in some kind of pain... I am always at my wits end. Just feel like I am always going to be too sick to contribute to the family...

I am studying full time now to increase my job prospects but wonder if my medical problems will keep me from working. My health (mental and physical) is also affecting my studies.

Have since also decided to do something more proactively about my weight... am having Lap band surgery in three weeks. This will at least help me to lose weight and keep it under control. But its expensive (most is covered by my medical insurance but I am still $4000 out-of-pocket). But since I am also studying full time... I can’t help but feel guilty that I am costing the family so much and not giving anything back. A burden. And there is no guarantee that I will be able to contribute in the future if things keep going the way they have been. I am worried.

I am also tired. Very very tired.

K.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Techie, for some advice and support re: the chronic pain/spine problems, have a look at this forum: http://debsplace.org/fmsforum/index.php.

 

[momof5]

Hi Techie,
How are you doing right now, Oh, and welcome to the forum.

The forum that David mentions in his post belongs to me. I also deal with chronic pain, sleeplessness, etc.. I have numerous medical condtions also, as well as many on our fourm. If you feel comfortable go over there and read through some of the information. A lot of the things that you are going through right now we all deal with. Drs and how they can drive us crazy is one of the things that we all deal with all the time. Most of us are on numerous medications to sleep, for pain, and for a host of other different conditions that arise out of back problems and fms and other syndromes and chronic illnesses.

I do understand how you feel more then you could know.

I have between 8-9 herinated and buldging discs in my back, one of which is in slight contatct with the cord at the T-9/T-9 area. I deal with a good deal of numbness, tingling and pain constantly.

I wish that there was something that I could say to help you out. I understand about your wifes problem in delivery, the same thing happened to me with the birth of my last child. They gave me so much epidural medication during my tubal and when I was in recovery I stopped breathing and had to go on machines to breath. It was so frightening to go through. I was actually fighting them putting me to sleep to put me on the machines because all I could think of was the 5 children that I had that needed me along with my husband, and how would he take care of a new born and 4 other children? I'm sure your wife had a rough time of it as well when she went through it.

I really hope you can work things out with your wife. As with your illness, she could not help being so ill when pregnant. Just like you can't help how you feel with yours. You need to understand how she felt, and try to be romantic and sexually active with her again. You dont know how this makes her feel as a woman if you can't relate to her as a husband should. ;>)