Its nice to have a place where I can exchange thoughts with others who have been where I have been... many times a very lonely place.
I’m 35, married and suffer from chronic PTSD and Anxiety Disorder, have been diagnosed and in treatment for almost 15 years now.
I am highly intelligent, analytical and extremely intuitive with regards to peoples emotions... something that causes me troubles at times. I have even been called 'psychic' because I can read body language and posture FAR TOO well !
For the depression I have tried almost every med... nothing helps. Have been inpatient several times and been in outpatient 'day-hospital' programs for 1.5 years in the past... have seen more psychs that I can remember and nothing has really ever helped for long.
I suffer from all the typical symptoms of PTSD and AD. Find it nearly impossible to lead a 'normal' life... my biggest problem now is the anger I have at myself for 'being' the way I am and 'feeling' the way I feel. I just cant seem to be able to pick up the pieces and get on with life.
I have a volatile temper (argumentative & threatening but not physically violent) that is easily triggered. This has intensified in the past few years.
Relationships are a big problem for me (even now being married), they have tended to be dependant/co-dependant and rocky. My wife is TRULY patient and understanding and loves me dearly... much more than I feel I deserve and I trust her totally. I am loyal to her as well.
Perhaps somebody here can share ideas on something with me... I will try to explain as best I can...
PLEASE try to ignore the impression that I am a person who is egotistical !! This following issue is and has been a real problem for me !
Looking at my story as an 'outsider'... if that makes sense... I could be seen as being manipulative. I guess it is a form of manipulation.
The reason: I 'adapt' my personality to suit women. I THINK this is to some level unintentional, another level desired... but the result is women become very 'attracted' to me very quickly... almost like a 'lust' if that makes sense. It happened all the time... and I loved it... or I think I did (do?)... but since I have married I don’t 'do' it anymore... now I use my bitterness to keep everybody at a distance. The weird thing is I am very heavy and don’t fit the picture of being highly attractive ! BUT non-the-less I would have HIGHLY attractive women not just hitting on me but making outright attempts to get me to have sex with them !
In the past I have used these 'emotional relationships' like a food ... using it to help from feeling so worthless and unloved... but now that I cant use it (obviously for moral reasons now I am married... I would never cheat on my wife !) and again I feel worthless and lonely ... even though I have a REAL loving wife !!!
In the past the relationships have turned sexual (I have always been adept at keeping the woman 'desiring' me for as long as possible to allow me to feel wanted), but once the relationship turned sexual I lost interest. The 'hunt', if you can call it that, has been making the woman WANT me... once they had me (or I had them) there was no interest.
I can’t understand what is happening... and more and more lately I have been desiring this kind of 'relationship'. I feel dirty and confused and I am harbouring a desire I cannot get rid of.
I guess now that I look at it... I think this has happened with my wife !
Can anybody offer advice ??
I’m 35, married and suffer from chronic PTSD and Anxiety Disorder, have been diagnosed and in treatment for almost 15 years now.
I am highly intelligent, analytical and extremely intuitive with regards to peoples emotions... something that causes me troubles at times. I have even been called 'psychic' because I can read body language and posture FAR TOO well !
For the depression I have tried almost every med... nothing helps. Have been inpatient several times and been in outpatient 'day-hospital' programs for 1.5 years in the past... have seen more psychs that I can remember and nothing has really ever helped for long.
I suffer from all the typical symptoms of PTSD and AD. Find it nearly impossible to lead a 'normal' life... my biggest problem now is the anger I have at myself for 'being' the way I am and 'feeling' the way I feel. I just cant seem to be able to pick up the pieces and get on with life.
I have a volatile temper (argumentative & threatening but not physically violent) that is easily triggered. This has intensified in the past few years.
Relationships are a big problem for me (even now being married), they have tended to be dependant/co-dependant and rocky. My wife is TRULY patient and understanding and loves me dearly... much more than I feel I deserve and I trust her totally. I am loyal to her as well.
Perhaps somebody here can share ideas on something with me... I will try to explain as best I can...
PLEASE try to ignore the impression that I am a person who is egotistical !! This following issue is and has been a real problem for me !
Looking at my story as an 'outsider'... if that makes sense... I could be seen as being manipulative. I guess it is a form of manipulation.
The reason: I 'adapt' my personality to suit women. I THINK this is to some level unintentional, another level desired... but the result is women become very 'attracted' to me very quickly... almost like a 'lust' if that makes sense. It happened all the time... and I loved it... or I think I did (do?)... but since I have married I don’t 'do' it anymore... now I use my bitterness to keep everybody at a distance. The weird thing is I am very heavy and don’t fit the picture of being highly attractive ! BUT non-the-less I would have HIGHLY attractive women not just hitting on me but making outright attempts to get me to have sex with them !
In the past I have used these 'emotional relationships' like a food ... using it to help from feeling so worthless and unloved... but now that I cant use it (obviously for moral reasons now I am married... I would never cheat on my wife !) and again I feel worthless and lonely ... even though I have a REAL loving wife !!!
In the past the relationships have turned sexual (I have always been adept at keeping the woman 'desiring' me for as long as possible to allow me to feel wanted), but once the relationship turned sexual I lost interest. The 'hunt', if you can call it that, has been making the woman WANT me... once they had me (or I had them) there was no interest.
I can’t understand what is happening... and more and more lately I have been desiring this kind of 'relationship'. I feel dirty and confused and I am harbouring a desire I cannot get rid of.
I guess now that I look at it... I think this has happened with my wife !
Can anybody offer advice ??