Hi

[jeanjean]

I am lost and sad. I haven't been happy since my brother passed away and that wasn't a month it has almost been 9 years. I use to cut myself and I am starting to do it again. If any of my friends or doctor find out it will further depress me. I left where I use to live and came back to the place I couldn't face, the place that pushed me away to the people that pushed me over the edge to begin with. Not the best move. My friends tried telling me that but I believed everything would be okay. I miss my friend, she is like a big sister to me. So is my other friend her roomate. I miss my doctor, he is like a father to me, and he may lose his career over me, he is the only doctor that has ever tried to help me, I mean he has gone out of his way for me, I feel so aweful. All it's about over here is money and material things. I miss the love and friendships that I left behind. I wish I was never born this world is aweful, painful, and this life just cheats you. I am starting to really lose my mind. I tell my friends that I am doing great, everything is great. It sure looks nice, the beaches, me laughing with friends and getting into trouble, seems like they old jean. The old jean, they old jean is never coming back, seems like I have been looking for her for years. I am not going to blame anyone for this pain, it is me that I have to blame, I am not a strong person, I am broken. All I want is to hug these wonderful people that I left. They would love me back with hugs too. You guys, I was wrong and no am lost with no support and no love. I should have stayed, I made a huge decision in a time of anger and probably in a state in which I was mentally uncapable of thinking logically. I am sorry that I chose to walk out of your lives, all I want is to be part of your life not past but the present. I am sorry. Thank you for everything. I miss you and love you with all my heart, take care.
Love Always, your jeanjeanjellybean.
Bye.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

jeanjean --

I don't understand a lot of what you've said here, of course... It's obvious that you miss your brother - 9 days, 9 months, 9 years, or 90 - there's no time limit or timetable for grief. It's an ongoing process...

It's also clear that you made some sort of decision (in anger?) to leave your friends and move to California (the place you couldn't face? is that where you lived originally? is that where you lost your brother?) and that now you are wishing you hadn't done that... Is there a reason you can't return? Why isn't that decision reversible?

 

[sammy]

Is it because your ex-doctor may lose his career over you Jean?
Are you sure that it is because of you?
Are you sure he really is having these problems...

As you say- there are people that love you that do exist... even if you cannot see them right now, remember they do love you.

 

[Ash]

Jean, please don't take everyone onto yourself. You weren't born broken. I've never known that to happen before! The most important thing is that what is broken can be fixed. It might take a long time and a lot of work but it can be done. Please find yourself another pdoc and get help!