High Bottom?

[HotthenCold]

Hi there,

I'm interested to hear from any addicts in recovery who would say they had a "High Bottom".

The reason is because I am feeling very out of place in the twelve step crowd, because I didn't suffer the same levels of loss and tragedy due to my addiction as other people in the program. This contributes to a feeling of not belonging, and a worry that I will go back out and use again.

I don't mean to sound like my bottom was rosy or painless, I just desperately wanted to quit feeling all the things I was feeling due to drugs and alcohol, and had been unable to quit on my own for years even though I wanted to.

Another reason I feel out of place is that I didn't use constantly. I drank an average of 15-25 drinks in total monday-friday, then used cocaine ( and copious amounts of alcohol on friday, and drank heavily saturday and sunday. I was able to take breaks for days or weeks at a time fairly regular, but always returned to using. The cocaine was the main reason I sought help, because it caused suicidal levels of depression every single time I used it, and yet I kept going back every weekend. (Didn't crave it at all during the week though, so does this mean I"m not an addict?)

Typing my usage pattern out makes me aware of the fact I had a problem, yet I still feel out of place. I think also because I had a lot of healthy things going on in conjunction with the addiction, i.e- eating organic foods, working out, holding a job. So now I don't look totally haggard and I am in early recovery, so I feel like I'm supposed to look like crap.

I just want to stop worrying that people are thinking I'm not supposed to be there when I know I need help. I even went to rehab so wtf!!!

Well, that's about all the rambling I'll subject you too. If anyone with a similar experience can share some thoughts I'd be greatly appreciative.

 

[W00BY]

I would say this is where your self awareness was a blessing whereas in your other (recent) post your heightened self awareness was causing other issues for you.

You clearly have not only been able to control your addiction better than some of those you now attend these sessions with but also knew when it was time to get yourself serious help for it probably way before many in the sessions you are going too did.

There is always someone worse off than us no matter the situation we find ourselves in and I can understand that right now you feel fraudulent compared to some of the experiences that have been shared with you.

It doesn't mean you need the help any less or that you have any less right to be there.

Ive never needed any help for my drug issues I had when I was younger I did have issues though. I should be able to admit to them more freely but I see them as being less of a problem than some other areas of my life or maybe I am just not ready to look at them in the full light of day.

My whole family is marred with rampant drug and drink abuse so it was a norm for me and just because I managed mines better than they have doesn't mean I wasn't doing it for the same reasons or didn't need help for it, as they all still do.

Drug use is just one part of wider problems and underlying issues... no matter the reason for doing it the effects will be the same in the end.

Don't feel guilty for getting on the wagon sooner than some of those you now know as part of your rehabilitation.

And another well done to you!