Highly anxious partner

[just mary]

Hi,

I've been debating whether or not to post this and obviously I decided in favour of posting. Just another long, stressful day.

We're getting our driveway replaced. Ken (husband) couldn't be around for the initial phase of demolishing the old driveway. This drove him up the wall. He's a perfectionist and he gets very agitated and worried when someone his touching his things and he's not around to supervise. But he had to go to work. Needless to say, I was left to supervise. And I know in my heart that no matter how perfect this guy does his job, Ken will find something wrong. So, all night, I'm worried about Ken but I'm also worried about the guy whose doing the job and I just feel so sick to my stomach and totally helpless. I want Ken to be happy but I don't want to p**s off the contractor ('cause then he really will do a lousy job). If something does go wrong, Ken just doesn't handle it very well. He's not abusive, he just gets all weird in an emotional sort of way. He gets very down on himself and then tends to find fault with me. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells - I never know when I'm going to say something that will hurt his feelings. But I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea - 90% of the time it's great. It's just nights like these make me nervous and unhappy.

I'm going to try meditating before bed tonight. Hopefully, it will help me relax.

I think I was just venting - so if no one replies - that's fine. I totally understand as there is really nothing to reply to. But if you really want to, you can.

I just need to sleep right now or maybe meditate.

Thanks and take care,

 

[Peanut]

Hey Mary,

Sorry your day is stressful again! I just wanted to say I think I understand exactly what you're talking about. Most of your post could have been written by me too. I have the same issue about things having to be done perfectly or there is mass upset from the husband who couldn't be there to oversee it. We just had a smaller version of your driveway incident with the cable guy. I tried numerous times to get a hold of my husband to get approval for the "decision" of where to get the cable from or whatever. I couldn't get a hold of him and I had to make the decision and I knew whatever decision I made would be problematic. When it was done I filled out this survey saying the cable guy did a great job, etc...and of course when my husband does get wind of what is happening he immediately takes off from work, comes home (too late of course) and then blows the whole thing out of proportion (my new favourite word), gets all weird about it and then wants to call and complain about the cable guy who did nothing wrong since I had agreed to everything :roll:. This is just the most recent example of many similar situations. I can also strongly relate to the sensitivity over someone else touching or moving their stuff. It even carries over to me, where if I move one thing of my husband's that he has put in some sort of order (I noticed most of the time everything is at a 90 degree angle) he will usually notice and know that I touched it. It's not like he has OCD or anything but he just notices and if it was anyone but me who moved it, it would really bother him.

But like you said it's not an all the time thing. Just some of the time. Enough to know when it is going to happen and over what though.

And you know, it turns out that the cable is fine where it is, just like your driveway will turn out fine...wait--make that your driveway will turn out great!


I hope you can feel better about this. I think that we have got to realize that this is not OUR problem, it's theirs. I mean really, don't we have enough of our own to worry about?!

I also think it might be a little bit of a male ego thing but I'm not sure...like they feel like they have to keep the people that they're paying from slacking or cutting corners or something... :roll:

Talk to you later--don't feel bad!! I'm sure the driveway work will be good and even if something goes wrong it can always be fixed! Now if we could just convince the guys of that...

 

[Holly]

Hi Mary,
I just wanted to say I hope you had a better night, take care! I can not figure out MEN!
So I stop trying too figure out men, hope the meditation works.

I'm going to try meditating before bed tonight. Hopefully, it will help me relax.

I think I was just venting - so if no one replies - that's fine. I totally understand as there is really nothing to reply to. But if you really want to, you can.

I just need to sleep right now or maybe meditate.

Hope it worked out for you and get some rest!

 

[Cat Dancer]

I just feel so sick to my stomach and totally helpless

I can relate to this. I hope it will all work out about the driveway.

 

[Heather]

I have family members like this but not a partner so I can relate a little!

So sorry hope it all goes well, would be interested to hear how it goes if you are up to it and want to share!

 

[ThatLady]

I hope the meditation worked to help relieve your stress, hon. Here's a few other things you might try:

Ask yourself:

Who hired the contractor? Did you hire him, or did your husband hire him?

Was your husband aware that he'd have to work while the demolition work was being done? Did he try to get the day off so he could be there, or to rearrange the work for a day when he COULD be there?

If your husband always finds something wrong, even if the job is done perfectly, this is obviously a choice he's making. He wishes to find something wrong, so he does. This isn't your doing, it's his; therefore, it's not your responsibility to make him happy with the work. He's chosen not to be.

Contractors are pretty tough cookies, for the most part. They know their jobs and they do them. If Ken has something to say to the contractor about the job, I'm sure the contractor will have something to say to Ken. It's up to them to work these things out. You really are just an innocent bystander. Try to keep that in mind.

 

[just mary]

Hello,

Thanks for all of your thoughts and encouragement. After I posted last night, I went straight to bed. When I had a chance I glanced at the site this morning and I was surprised to see all the responses, I guess I must not be the only one who deals/has dealt with this sort of situation.

I didn't meditate, I was too tired. It's funny but sometimes when he's away and I'm really tired and I know I should go to bed and I could sleep for hours, I try to stay awake so I can enjoy the quiet time by myself. However, last night I was just way too tired and my head was pounding.

and of course when my husband does get wind of what is happening he immediately takes off from work, comes home (too late of course) and then blows the whole thing out of proportion (my new favourite word), gets all weird about it and then wants to call and complain about the cable guy who did nothing wrong since I had agreed to everything

Hey Toeless, good hear from you . Ken is very good at getting weird about things. He can also blow everything out of porportion. I get to the point where I don't feel comfortable making any sort of decision. It's just easier if I let him do it and then he turns around and asks "Why do I have to make all the decisions???" Thanks for your support Toeless, you really seem to understand things.

where if I move one thing of my husband's that he has put in some sort of order (I noticed most of the time everything is at a 90 degree angle) he will usually notice and know that I touched it.

While Ken isn't very neat, he's actually kind of messy. He'll leave something sitting in the middle of the floor for days on end (because sometimes I refuse to pick up for him) and when it gets damaged ('cause usually I'll trip on it or spill something on it) - he'll tell me to be more careful.

I can not figure out MEN!

Thanks Holly, neither can I.

I hope it will all work out about the driveway.

Thanks Janet.

would be interested to hear how it goes if you are up to it and want to share!

Thanks HJ and I'll try to give a "brief" overview.

And thanks to ThatLady also, the questions you listed were good ones.

Here goes:

Ken hired the contractor "Bill" (pseudonym), he was referred to us by our neighbour. Ken had really tried to be home for the process, he had even switched shifts. But Bill was late and ended up coming in the evening - he was supposed to be here during the day. As Ken left for work yesterday evening I told him not too worry, that "dollars to donuts" he wouldn't show up, and if Bill did show up I would just tell him to come back when Ken was at home.

Within 10 minutes of Ken leaving, Bill showed up. I tried to explain to Bill that Ken wanted to be here when the work was being done, could he please come back later - Bill just laughed at me. :frown: Bill was definitely a "tough cookie" and when I saw all the equipment come down the street - I realized Bill probably couldn't change his plans and just "come back later". And the work proceeded - see first e-mail for my reaction.

Ken was on a night shift last night so by the time he got home this morning I had already left for work, which was a relief because I just didn't want to deal with it.

But in the end, it turned out okay. I called Ken when I got to work this morning and he seemed alright with things so far. Bill came back today and Ken spent the entire day watching and making sure everything was done properly. (I'm just not sure what Ken knows about driveway construction) When I came home this afternoon, Bill had left. Ken seemed okay but he did have some trepidations about the height of the driveway and whether or not we should pay him in cash. But he seemed relatively calm. Whew!

But it's not my problem right. I personally think Bill did a pretty good job. He's the exact opposite of Ken - I would say an anti-Ken. I just have to distance myself from Ken's worries.

I'm so glad he's working tonight. As soon as he left I went for a run. It felt so good, I had all this pent-up energy to get out of my system. When I finished running, I almost felt like weeping. Has anyone else felt like that? I find if I go for a hard run after a particularily stressful time, I feel like breaking down at the end of it. I never do but I always come so close and somethimes I wish I could.

Thanks again to everyone for all your support, it was nice to have. And I'm so glad I have this place to come to. Thank-you!

 

[Peanut]

Hey Mary!

I'm glad to hear the work turned out! Did you get before and after driveway makeover pictures?

As Ken left for work yesterday evening I told him not too worry, that "dollars to donuts" he wouldn't show up, and if Bill did show up I would just tell him to come back when Ken was at home.

Within 10 minutes of Ken leaving, Bill showed up.

That was probably a safe assumption statistically speaking but you forgot about Murphy's Law!

I also just wanted to say that I LOVED your strategically placed smiley faces...they added so much to the story! It really cracked me up--I have SO BEEN THERE!!

You know, lately Sean has become interested in having the garage floor painted (yes, the floor!). Doesn't that sound strange and pointless?

When I finished running, I almost felt like weeping. Has anyone else felt like that?

Only from sheer exhaustion

 

[just mary]

Hey, hi,

The driveway was finally completed, we're currently in the "curing" process.

We had one more bump in the road however. The temperature fell below freezing Saturday night. Ken pretty much lost it. Apparently, if concrete gets too cold it does not "cure" properly and it loses integrity. As far as Ken was concerned, we were out several thousand dollars and we would have to get the entire driveway re-done. He was quite upset. I wasn't as upset and I felt I couldn't get upset since what would be the point of two hysterical people. Of course, he takes that to mean I don't care about him and it just gets ugly. Fortunately he was called into work so I didn't have to deal with him all day, just his phone calls. :sigh:

But I think I'm getting better at dealing with his episodes. After he left for work, I went for a run in the morning and I really tried to keep busy, to get my mind off of things, I mowed the lawn and did a bit of gardening. I really tried not to let things bother me and it worked. When he got home from work, I wasn't anywhere near as stressed as I would have normally been. He still was but I was able to stand back a bit and not get sucked in.

You know, lately Sean has become interested in having the garage floor painted (yes, the floor!). Doesn't that sound strange and pointless?

:yikes: No, it sounds vaguely familiar, actually very familiar.

Take care and thanks,

 

[Holly]

Hi Mary1968,
Glad to hear the driveway is done, you can help me!
I know that is something new painting the floor in garages, must be watching to many Home Depot commercials, are extreme makeovers! You know men never admit to watching those shows! :roll:

 

[ThatLady]

Who, exactly, was Ken upset at? God? News flash, Ken...there isn't one darned thing anybody can do about the weather! That cold snap was not aimed at you, specifically. It happened. Suck it up!

Heh. Sometimes, I wonder what these poor guys would do if they were married to a smart-arse like me...

:shocked:

 

[David Baxter PhD]

:smartass:

 

[Holly]

🍿 :welcome: :bubbly: :flowers:

 

[just mary]

:lmao: Somedays, this place just makes me laugh (in a good way).

No idea what to say, I was going to put up a whole bunch of smiley's, in a totally random fashion and see how people interpreted them, but I didn't, that's just weird and I'm feeling a little restrained tonight. :red:

I don't know who Ken was upset at, mainly himself (I think). I really should stop talking about him so much.

But thanks to everyone for the replies.

 

[ThatLady]

Laughing is good for the soul! We should do a lot of it!

Actually, I'm a very easy-going person. I get tickled at people who get their knickers in a knot over things they can do absolutly nothing about...like weather. These folks don't make me angry, but they do tend to activate my ornery bone, resulting in smart-arsed comments aimed to get them to realize how absolutely asinine they're being. It rarely works, but I find it perversely amusing. :bad: