How do you finally accept?

[Jazzey]

Since my teen years, I've known. As I got older, I somehow managed to believe that it wasn't as bad as I've imagined, that maybe some of it was my own imagination. And now, I'm not sure anymore. There's this ongoing battle inside my head between what I've created and what was real. Images come to me, and I don't know whether I'm creating them because I'm trying to understand. This constant debate is leaving me more and more exhausted physically and emotionally. I'm constantly doing this debating game... And I'm sick of it.

I have some memories. But I'm not even sure if they're memories anymore, or if I've created them.

I've talked to a therapist who's known me for years now. I've read books about childhood sexual abuse and, I see myself in many of the pages I've read. But I often wonder: can someone who's not lived it also not see themselves in those pages? Wouldn't they too have some of these symptoms? Can someone who's never experienced it read these books and somehow convince themselves that they've lived some of those experiences? I don't know...

Lately I have images that come back more frequently. But I'm still not sure if I'm somehow creating them. And yet, everything I've read suggests that the sooner you accept that past, the better the recovery.

So if my instinct is right, I have lived these experiences, and the images are actually memories...How do I finally accept it? Stop fighting it and making it into a childhood imaginary world? And worst yet, if I do finally accept it, will these images become worse? More frequent? with all of the details in them?

Have others gone through this? How have you finally accepted it as reality?

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Some memories came to me when I went to my therapist for the first time. I was a nervous wreck. It felt like suddenly, unbidden, some memories that I somehow buried resurfaced. It was scary. I felt the panic now that I felt then. It seemed real and not real at the same time. But once it came back to my mind, for me, I was certain they were not something I made up. It actually happened. I don't know if I will have more bouts of this, but so far no. After my initial experience of remembering those things (sexual abuse) they have not come back. Instead I was remembering other things that were painful and embarrassing. When I would wake up and suddenly have a flashback to something back in school or somewhere that I felt shame or terrible remorse (just thoughtless or rude things I had said or done that affected people that I feel bad about). My therapist seems to think that before, when I was experiencing those events, I was not ready or could not fully feel the emotions attached to the events. So he thinks they are resurfacing now because I am becoming more relaxed (on meds, doing therapy, etc) and somehow my mind feels that I am ready this time to fully feel and deal with those emotions and events. It certainly seems like it to me.

His remedy for this was to try to meditate on past events that are similar during the daylight hours, because they were coming up in the middle of the night and keeping me awake for some reason. Racing thoughts. It appears to have worked, but lately I haven't been having waking spells with racing thoughts, plus I was on vacation, so I will see if I need to start again. I have found that blogging them gets it out into the daylight and not trapped in my head. So some of these memories are on my blog.

I don't know if this helps, but this is what I experienced...

 

[Jazzey]

His remedy for this was to try to meditate on past events that are similar during the daylight hours, because they were coming up in the middle of the night and keeping me awake for some reason. Racing thoughts.

I don't know if this helps, but this is what I experienced...

Thank you. Yes, it does help...And you've described what I'm currently going through. Have been for a few months now. It does help.

I feel panic without knowing why sometimes. I'm still just struggling with what's memory and what's not. maybe with time I'll sort it out.

Thanks again, Jolly.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Hey, not a problem at all, glad I could share and happy to hear it helped a bit.

The first time I went for therapy it was like a vast wound reopening... I did so much drawing and poetry and journaling and so on that I seemed to find things coming out of me all at once. It was powerful and cathartic and sometimes a bit scary. Those memories made me cry. But as my current therapist pointed out, people may have thought things were "taken care of" but it's sort of like cleaning pots... You think you're done but then when you check the pot again at some point you realize you weren't quite thorough enough and you still have some crud in there you have to scrape out. Another person I talked to pointed out to them it felt like an onion. You peel a layer but you only see the surface of another layer beneath it.

Hopefully my pots will be clean and nonstick and my onions will be small, and not those super-jumbo onions the size of a softball. Onions seem a better analogy because onions = tears, too... lol 8P

At first you may want to fight it, but some of it leaks anyway, and then eventually you just want to draw it out of yourself and it all comes pouring out like when an ice jam breaks. It's like the worst of what happened comes out, and you use the best of yourself to deal with it, and it takes a lot of work to squeeze all the bad stuff out, but somehow you feel so much better after it's all drained out of you instead of it swimming around in your head. It's beautiful and terrifying all at once. It's your Dark Night of the Soul.

 

[Jazzey]

Thanks again Jolly. And yes, I'm still fighting this. I'm not understanding my thought processes right now...But I read your post and I'm so appreciative that you're willing to share with me...and I read it and think..No, this is not me. Even tho the greater part of me knows that it is....
all of this is so..insane. Tiresome...

Jolly, thanks again for sharing with me. I really appreciate it. I know it couldn't have been easy to share. But I really appreciate it.

 

[Jazzey]

I need to stop reading I think. The more I read, the more I convince myself that nothing ever happened to me. The more anxiety I get about the readings, and the more images I get - violent images.

I've been reading to understand what I'm doing right now. But maybe reading about it is just bad? Every time I read something, I use what I'm reading to convince myself nothing ever happened to me - I've made it all up. And it's making me spin out.

Am I the only one to think that reading about this stuff just makes it worse? I also read that I can expect about 10 years of therapy...are you kidding? 10 years of therapy...Of feeling 'this' way? I don't think I can do it. smh

 

[amastie]

Hi Displaced,

I totally relate to what you have said. I'm 61 and am still finding that I haven't remembered everything. That's hard going! Very receently, I've been getting in touch with a memory ("What is a memory?" Mostly: "Don't want to go there") Still going through that one.

For now, I have only two ideas. One, is journalling. Don't wory about what you say. Just write anything. I'd preface it in my mind that I *want* to understand why I feel as I do". Ask that question in your mind before you start to write down anything that comes to mind, and don't edit what you write. In time, I expect that things come throught that you wouldn't otherwise have access to.

The other thought I had is, as I've been doing recently, is to allow whatever images emanate from the pain and confusion then take courage to toss those images around in the air, so to speak, to see what feeling you associate with them. Allow their meaning not to be evident to you, just see what feelings fit with them. It is my way of helping myself get a bit closer to those images (memories?) You see, I don't *want* them to be memories, so I only allow myself to look at them very fleetingly.

Sorry I can't add more at this time.

Take good care.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

If you want some help drawing things out of yourself, journaling is definitely a great healing process (it was for me, anyway)... I actually found a really good book that helped me out a lot that you can maybe find at the library if you don't want to buy it... It is by Christina Baldwin, and it's called "Life's Companion: Journal Writing as a Spiritual Quest" Amazon.com: Life's Companion: Journal Writing as a Spiritual Quest (9780553352023): Christina Baldwin: Books Christina is primarily a writer, and her main intention was to get people to dig deep for writing purposes, but I found it served its purpose to help me with my personal issues...

It's not your typical kind of "spiritual," or at least the author doesn't try to pigeonhole what her definition of spiritual is. Mostly it's a very meaningful and personal way to dig deep down to places you normally wouldn't think of going. It also helps to meditate before or after journaling... I found it very helpful. It's not for everyone, but I thought I'd run it past you in case you found it as useful as I did. It certainly helped me with my dialogue with myself, imagined dialogue with my mother, and it makes you look at things from different perspectives...

One thing I thought was very innovate is that on the right hand page she has her dialogue with the reader/story/chapters, explaining and guiding and giving her experiences and so forth... On the left hand page, there are related examples of text from herself or from writing groups, or some instructions with examples on some of the information in the chapter... So it isn't laid out like a typical book.

I used the book for some inspiration and what it drew out of me were drawings and dreams and memories and poetry and prose and dialogue and these I chose to share with my therapist.

 

[Nikii]

I've experienced exactly what you have described. I describe my memories as only getting bits and pieces of things, sometimes only a glint of something. Pictures and images come up that I have no direct memory of, yet there they are...often like a flash...leaving confused feelings and unanswered questions. I've done the same thing and read articles and books...wondering if these things were real at all...and in a way wouldn't it be nice to just say "whoops looks like my brain just made the whole thing up!". I've found journaling helps me as well, and even drawing pictures of things I see. For me I don't read as much at the moment, as part of me is still looking for ways to avoid the full truth of things, or to explain away all the emotions I am struggling with. I don't want to self-diagnose myself into a state of denial, and also have found sometimes reading even well meaning and educational articles can bring thoughts up, simply because of the subject matter they discuss and the terms they use to describe things.