I have a problem, first is that my threapist diagnosed me with BPD, which was kinda similar to complex PTSD that I belived I had. So similar are the symptoms, arguing it would be like picking salt as they say down here in the Caribbean. I was surprised at the BPD diagnosis because I have never been a drama/clingy person, acting out, attempting to get needs met, I learnt very early there's no use doing that because there aint nothing comming your way anyway except punches slaps or ridicule so you better shut up. I kinda went the "I dont care, I dont need you" route to cover the pain. But I have always treated others how I would like to be treated, I have hoped for a higher ideal. I wanted to do better than my parents did. I have always dealt civil with others and met honorable behaviour with honorable behaviour. When I have an appointment with someone I am very concientious to be there at the proper time. To show my trust worthiness and to show I respect their time is as valuable as mine. Usually with people I have no attachment to, like in work or business breaking of appointments without notice is annoying but it does not affect me emotionally, but with my therapist, a person who I am just begining to let know me and who I hope I may find further trust with, the frequent missed appointments and late appointments are begining to make me feel she does not give a **** about me. When she has missed appointments, I feel she has forgotten me, when I wait on her porch late, she said sorry she forgot me, why did I not call out or knock on the door, I think , well you should know I will be out here, when am I ever not on time?. I let this person under my skin, and look how I am treated, like i am insignificate. To me however its not the fact of being over looked or forgotten, I get that in the work world all the time, its a hustle world, I am no narsissist, beliving I am special , no I am just a regular person in tha street. Its that I am so ashamed and angry about the feelings I am having. This person has so much power over me that I feel so hurt when they casually forget our little appointments once a month. That I want to feel important to them, pathetic. As a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with BPD, should they know better and foster a constant behaviour to at least help me build some sort of trust?. you think they would know that, at least
Its been a day since our missed appointment. I went to her house at the right time to find the gates locked up, I passed an hour later, still again locked up. I check my phone and there was a missed call , an hour before our appontment that I never got. But by now I am too full of unwanted negative emotion, emotion I feel is too dangerouse for me to have, anger and hurt, emotion that can f8ck up my work and normal functioning for days, a week even.
I want to scream " f**k you down the phone but another part of my brain tells me it would be over bettween us, she will hate me forever, but then maybe she has had some emergency for a more needy person and it was important to break our appointment and I reacted like this?. If only I call her I can find out the reason to all of this. But I cant. I am transfixed, somehow I cannot return the missed call. I want to punish her and make her feel bad, who am I fooling, maybe she dont give a s**t, but I also want to protect my self. I cannot do neither. I feel frozen. Is she just useless or just dangerouse, am I a whiney bastard or a bad person?. I hate myself. She has rung me twice and I am afraid to answer back., I am afraid my anger will devistate this kind person who helps others in need, more needy than me.
I am afraid she will deem me insignficante and unimportant in life generally and I will be crushed. God it so confusing. I just want to hide out in a cave somewhere until all this has receded and been forgotten. I have to talk to her again soon or this will look strange and she will ask questions (or not) but I wish it was in a few weeks when my feelings have gone down and submerged safely and I can say :Sh*t, I dont really give a damn , Madam. Hell its not fair, why should a person have the right to be able to evoke those feelings in an person and then say" its nothing personal". I am so confused. I have not contacted her yet but i want to but I hate my self for wanting to . I dont know what to do, is my therapist a safe person or not. Am I stupid for wanting to trust?
What is this person up to?
Its been a day since our missed appointment. I went to her house at the right time to find the gates locked up, I passed an hour later, still again locked up. I check my phone and there was a missed call , an hour before our appontment that I never got. But by now I am too full of unwanted negative emotion, emotion I feel is too dangerouse for me to have, anger and hurt, emotion that can f8ck up my work and normal functioning for days, a week even.
I want to scream " f**k you down the phone but another part of my brain tells me it would be over bettween us, she will hate me forever, but then maybe she has had some emergency for a more needy person and it was important to break our appointment and I reacted like this?. If only I call her I can find out the reason to all of this. But I cant. I am transfixed, somehow I cannot return the missed call. I want to punish her and make her feel bad, who am I fooling, maybe she dont give a s**t, but I also want to protect my self. I cannot do neither. I feel frozen. Is she just useless or just dangerouse, am I a whiney bastard or a bad person?. I hate myself. She has rung me twice and I am afraid to answer back., I am afraid my anger will devistate this kind person who helps others in need, more needy than me.
I am afraid she will deem me insignficante and unimportant in life generally and I will be crushed. God it so confusing. I just want to hide out in a cave somewhere until all this has receded and been forgotten. I have to talk to her again soon or this will look strange and she will ask questions (or not) but I wish it was in a few weeks when my feelings have gone down and submerged safely and I can say :Sh*t, I dont really give a damn , Madam. Hell its not fair, why should a person have the right to be able to evoke those feelings in an person and then say" its nothing personal". I am so confused. I have not contacted her yet but i want to but I hate my self for wanting to . I dont know what to do, is my therapist a safe person or not. Am I stupid for wanting to trust?
What is this person up to?
