David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
How do you un-friend someone gracefully?
by David Eddie, Globe and Mail
Thursday, Aug. 13, 2009
I've given as much as I can, but she's just too needy
The question
How do you un-friend someone gracefully? I had an old friend from university I'd kept in touch with, despite cross-country moves over the years.
When we found ourselves living in the same city we became closer friends again, but soon I realized her friendship was more of a drag than anything else. She was a struggling single mother at the time and really needed support. I gave as much as I could, but after a while I just found her too needy.
One day, a few months after my daughter was born, she called me and I just ... never called back. I've felt bad about it, but not bad enough to ever try to get in touch. My problem now is that she had lent me some baby clothes and accessories that I've been hanging onto for the past three years. I'm moving to another country in a few weeks and I don't want to keep carting around her stuff, but I'm too chicken to try to get in touch with her.
What would I say? Sorry I never called you back but I just didn't want to be your friend any more, here's your stuff back?
The answer
People tend to go about "un-friending" their compadres in one of two ways:
Oh, you might "see each other around." But if the person calls, it takes you a long time to get back to them; or you might return their call with an e-mail; or not at all. Contact is never initiated.
Eventually, all but the thickest subjects will take the hint, the hauteur of your froideur letting them know they're the subject of a WASP-y Freeze Out.
In the Hotheaded Blow-Up/Freak-out/Chew-out, of course, you let the subject of your displeasure have it right between the eyes. They finally get on your last nerve, push your big, red "Detonate" button, and you explode.
Even though it's messy, I have to say I kind of prefer this method. Recently I ended, or attempted to end, a 30-year-friendship using this technique.
My friend had been behaving very obnoxiously, then started to push the wrong buttons. (I was trying to set him up on a date, but he kept saying I would have a hard time if, like him, I were unmarried and "out there," like him - which is an all-encompassing insult, if you think about it, and, ladies, not true.) I lost it, flipped my wig, told him, in effect, to bite me, and slammed down the phone.
Leaving me with a curious mixture of regret and relief, guilt and joy.
There's not really a word for how I felt. Maybe the Germans have one, a long, strung-out compound that translates to "shame-joy-regret-relief-sadness-happiness."
In any case, it was ugly, messy, brutal, and according to the recipient of my wrath I "crossed the line" at several points.
But at least the object of my disaffection knew where he stood, and why. After all the years we'd known each other, I felt he deserved that. He deserved more than a WASP-y cooling, an invisible hand slowly turning down the thermostat of our relationship.
The same goes for you and your friend. Does she not deserve to know how, and why, she lost you?
You don't have to be all hot-headed about it, like me. But I would say the handover of the layette is a perfect opportunity gently and compassionately to explain to her what it is that has come between you.
If you don't feel comfortable talking about it directly, at least hint at it, talk around it as much as you can.
I do think she deserves that. After all, you liked her once. And the reasons you liked her are all still there, probably, just kind of buried under all the reasons she's been killing you lately.
Reflect that you might actually be doing her a favour. Maybe she's killing everybody and all kinds of people are turning their back on her, and she has no idea why. By letting her know, you might actually be nudging her toward self-improvement (the goal of all human existence, according to my favourite philosopher, Epictetus). She might thank you in the end.
After my Hotheaded Blow-up, even my friend did scratch his melon a bit and change his ways; thus the door of friendship opens again, at least a crack.
It may be the same with your friend. Use the return of her layette as an excuse to lay out your position. Then, your comments and you become hers to take or leave.
She might blow up and freak out right back at you.
But later, in the fullness of time, she may wonder if you might not have had a point and actually become a better, nicer, less needy person. And you might wind up wanting to "re-friend" her all over again.
Why not leave the door open for that? Anyway, what have you got to lose?
David Eddie is a screenwriter and the author of Chump Change and Housebroken: Confessions of a Stay-at-Home Dad.
by David Eddie, Globe and Mail
Thursday, Aug. 13, 2009
I've given as much as I can, but she's just too needy
The question
How do you un-friend someone gracefully? I had an old friend from university I'd kept in touch with, despite cross-country moves over the years.
When we found ourselves living in the same city we became closer friends again, but soon I realized her friendship was more of a drag than anything else. She was a struggling single mother at the time and really needed support. I gave as much as I could, but after a while I just found her too needy.
One day, a few months after my daughter was born, she called me and I just ... never called back. I've felt bad about it, but not bad enough to ever try to get in touch. My problem now is that she had lent me some baby clothes and accessories that I've been hanging onto for the past three years. I'm moving to another country in a few weeks and I don't want to keep carting around her stuff, but I'm too chicken to try to get in touch with her.
What would I say? Sorry I never called you back but I just didn't want to be your friend any more, here's your stuff back?
The answer
People tend to go about "un-friending" their compadres in one of two ways:
- The WASP-y Freeze-Out;
- The Hotheaded Blow-up/Freak-out/Chew-out.
Oh, you might "see each other around." But if the person calls, it takes you a long time to get back to them; or you might return their call with an e-mail; or not at all. Contact is never initiated.
Eventually, all but the thickest subjects will take the hint, the hauteur of your froideur letting them know they're the subject of a WASP-y Freeze Out.
In the Hotheaded Blow-Up/Freak-out/Chew-out, of course, you let the subject of your displeasure have it right between the eyes. They finally get on your last nerve, push your big, red "Detonate" button, and you explode.
Even though it's messy, I have to say I kind of prefer this method. Recently I ended, or attempted to end, a 30-year-friendship using this technique.
My friend had been behaving very obnoxiously, then started to push the wrong buttons. (I was trying to set him up on a date, but he kept saying I would have a hard time if, like him, I were unmarried and "out there," like him - which is an all-encompassing insult, if you think about it, and, ladies, not true.) I lost it, flipped my wig, told him, in effect, to bite me, and slammed down the phone.
Leaving me with a curious mixture of regret and relief, guilt and joy.
There's not really a word for how I felt. Maybe the Germans have one, a long, strung-out compound that translates to "shame-joy-regret-relief-sadness-happiness."
In any case, it was ugly, messy, brutal, and according to the recipient of my wrath I "crossed the line" at several points.
But at least the object of my disaffection knew where he stood, and why. After all the years we'd known each other, I felt he deserved that. He deserved more than a WASP-y cooling, an invisible hand slowly turning down the thermostat of our relationship.
The same goes for you and your friend. Does she not deserve to know how, and why, she lost you?
You don't have to be all hot-headed about it, like me. But I would say the handover of the layette is a perfect opportunity gently and compassionately to explain to her what it is that has come between you.
If you don't feel comfortable talking about it directly, at least hint at it, talk around it as much as you can.
I do think she deserves that. After all, you liked her once. And the reasons you liked her are all still there, probably, just kind of buried under all the reasons she's been killing you lately.
Reflect that you might actually be doing her a favour. Maybe she's killing everybody and all kinds of people are turning their back on her, and she has no idea why. By letting her know, you might actually be nudging her toward self-improvement (the goal of all human existence, according to my favourite philosopher, Epictetus). She might thank you in the end.
After my Hotheaded Blow-up, even my friend did scratch his melon a bit and change his ways; thus the door of friendship opens again, at least a crack.
It may be the same with your friend. Use the return of her layette as an excuse to lay out your position. Then, your comments and you become hers to take or leave.
She might blow up and freak out right back at you.
But later, in the fullness of time, she may wonder if you might not have had a point and actually become a better, nicer, less needy person. And you might wind up wanting to "re-friend" her all over again.
Why not leave the door open for that? Anyway, what have you got to lose?
David Eddie is a screenwriter and the author of Chump Change and Housebroken: Confessions of a Stay-at-Home Dad.
