How long does the grief last?

[Song of Mercy]

I feel like I should have done all this grieving years ago when my mother died, but I still miss her, still cry over her departure. A friend of mine tried to talk to me about this yesterday and I said something fairly random and changed theh subject. He noticed and suggested that maybe I should stop over here and see if I could talk about it a little.

My mom died on my eldest daughters 9 birthday. Her and I had not spoke for 3 years when she stopped over at my house. We loved on each other and made plans for the weekend to celebrate my girls big day. The day she was suppose to come and get us she never showed up. A friend of hers finally came by and told me she was in the hospital. My husband had taken the car to work and when I got ahold of him he was angry and refused to come home. When his shift was over I rushed to the hospital. When I got there I found out my mom had passed minutes earlier.

I had my first full blown episode of pyschosis shortly afterwards. I lost touch with reality, my husband left, I lost my car, utilities off, no food, after it started getting cold I think I was beginning to suffer from exsposure. I began to realize that I was going to die and there was no one to help. The next day I walked up and down the road applying for a job. I did manage to get one and over teh next 3 or 4 weeks I returned to being fully cognizant.

Now here I sit 13 years later and I miss her so bad I cant talk about, or even write about it without falling apart.

Song

 

[white page]

Hi Song,
I am so very sorry about the circumstances around your Mom's death.
Song there is no time limit to grief, everyone grieves in their own way, we never stop missing the ones we love, it can get easier as time passes, it is important to allow ourselves to grieve, and perhaps due to all those traumatic events after your Mom's death you couldn't allow yourself to grieve the pain of that and all your other troubles was just too overwhelming.

Are you being followed by doctors at the moment? If you are it maybe a good idea to ask for extra support in the way of therapy, to help you to reach a point of acceptance of the loss of your Mom, age does not lessen hurts, if you couldn't deal with them earlier.

take care wp

 

[Song of Mercy]

Unfortuneately I got fired from the low income clinic a couple of years back for missing an appointment. Now, I cant find anyone that will take my medicare. It is crazy, I live in a town of 250+k with doctors everywhere and none of them will see me. I self pay my psychiatrist and have part d for meds, but no, no therapy. I might find a therapist at a church or something but I do not drive as I have no car and I have a severe phobia about riding the bus. I had a psychotic break about 7 years ago and during that episode I got strait jacketed off a bus, I just cannot bring myself to get back on one now and I so desprately need to be able to get around.

Thanks for your kind and warm reply.

Song

 

[white page]

Song,
Maybe other members might have information about available resources.
I don't know how things function in your area, Maybe here are bereavement groups affiliated to churches or clinics, is there a way you could find out, for instance by looking up these resources for your area on the internet.

 

[Jackie]

Song,

I am sorry to hear about your mom. To me there is no set lenght of time. I lost my baby a few years ago (miscarriage) and am ok about it all now, can discuss it and found ways of coming to terms with it, it hasn't gone away but its just easier. However my friend lost a family member some years back and still finds it traumatic to talk about.

I agree with White Page, that you need to find some support to help you through this, have a look on the net for some support from charities who deal with bereavement. If you have problems getting out then ask them to visit you, Im sure they wouldn't mind in the circumstances.

Take Care:hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

Have you tried the low income clinic again? Maybe they would take you back?

I'm not sure we ever really get over someone dying. It causes so many painful feelings and even other feelings that it doesn't really go away. Even years later you can hurt so much over losing someone.

I hope you can find some help.

 

[Song of Mercy]

It is not that there are not things of that nature, its that right now I cannot get anywhere. I recently took a small writing job and am hoping to make enough to get a car, but at this time I am not sure. That is a whole nother issue... I am a writer and I just got my first freelance gig, now I need to keep my head together and get teh work done.

I am ok though. Really. This is not so fresh and pressing that it is causing me daily problems. It is just a hurt that wont quit heal.

On the other hand I would love to hear what some of you folks have done to facillitate grieving. I wrote mom a letter and sent it to heaven (burned it) a while back and that was so healing. I didnt think it would work but it helped alot.

Thanks in advance for any input


Song

---------- Post added at 07:19 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:15 AM ----------

Have you tried the low income clinic again? Maybe they would take you back?

Well, I did not think of that. I still have the transportation issue, but even if I could only go 2 x a month it would help I think. Sorry I am thinking out loud. I have certain things arranged with different people for getting places. I think I could probably find someone to take me to therapy a couple of times a month.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I'm sorry about your transportation problems. That would make it way more difficult.

About grieving, sometimes I just let myself cry. I was really resistant to it at first, but now when I feel sad over missing my loved ones I let it happen.

I love your idea of writing a letter. That's really good. Sometimes when I'm feeling really sad I get out the things that remind me of my loved one and just look at them and remember. It's hard, but it seems to work better than just pushing away the grief.

 

[Song of Mercy]

I agree with White Page, that you need to find some support to help you through this, have a look on the net for some support from charities who deal with bereavement. If you have problems getting out then ask them to visit you, Im sure they wouldn't mind in the circumstances.

Well, now that is another good suggestion. I see where this is going...I am going to have to get proactive. I didnt really have any clue that I might ask someone to come to my home. I live in a town with sooooo many churches, (we have 2 bible colleges and 2 huge bible universities) so it is reasonable that someone somewhere would be willing to help.

---------- Post added at 07:27 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:23 AM ----------

I dont know but this getting help seems doable right now. I am not sure, but it seems possible.

 

[white page]

I dont know but this getting help seems doable right now. I am not sure, but it seems possible.

:2thumbs: Song, I am so glad that you felt able to post about this here, at times just talking about it and recieving feedback, can alter our perspectives. Let us know how you get on, we are here to support you on your road to finding the help you need. :hug:

 

[Jackie]

Song,

Some of the the Grief and Bereavement charties here in England offer telephone and online support too. Maybe you could search for similar reputable ones in your country? I do believe it is possible for you to get help even though you cannot get out.:hug:

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Hi, Song:

See my comments on "legacy" at Grief and Bereavement in Accidental or Sudden Death.

 

[Song of Mercy]

A few teary moments today but overall not to bad. Then laying in bed she came flooding back to my heart. So, since I am a poet I did what I do...this is not great, but it tells my heart. I share it here and send it there...


Into my grieving heart I gaze,
Trying to let go of my burden of pain,
Suddenly I am remembering her ways,
I dwell, remembering many past days.

Out my front door that day I peered,
Hoping that she was already here.
Instead it was her very best friend,
With pain telling me she was dead.

Though many years now have gone by,
I cry and cry as I avoid saying goodbye.
It?s time for me to let you go mom,
So spread your wings, you?re free, fly.



*sobbing Song

 

[white page]

That is very moving Song,

Though many years now have gone by,
I cry and cry as I avoid saying goodbye.
It’s time for me to let you go mom,
So spread your wings, you’re free, fly.

I relate to what you express here so much :hug:

 

[Song of Mercy]

I am a really religeous person. My mom was not. I think that a big issue here is I am not confident that my mother is comfortable with her after life experience. And, I think part of this hurt is pain towards God..a sense of betrayal. I am letting go of that. I had to acknowledge that I was feeling those things to do that though.

Thank you for standing with me as I have taken these first important healing steps. I do not even know you and yet you have been so supportive.


Song

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I think anger - at God or at the universe in general - is a common and probably healthy part of grief.

 

[Song of Mercy]

I am educated in ministry and the thought of my mother suffering, especially knowing I refused to speak to her for three years....after taking care of her silly drunk self my whole childhood...serious guilt potential.

I have decided that I am going to let that go. Whatever is..is. No matter what, I am not responsible. I am responsible for the lost years as I was half the problem, I am not responsible for her soul.


*this is in no way a religious conversation. Please pm me if you have specific religious comments...


Song

 

[Song of Mercy]

Hi all, things are going well. I have been writing more grief poetry and posting it around the internet. Something rather interesting has arisen from that...suddenly, this is sort of ironic...I am helping 2 other people get through their own recent parental losses. Also, I posted the above poem in a community and was contacted by a young man who made teh decision to patch things up with his mom. He said he was calling her as soon as he was sure she would be awake.

I contacted a Church that I have attended in the past and they are going to help me with transportation so I can continue with healthy healing.

I have kept this hurt for so long it seems impossible that in just a few day I could be reaching resolution, but I think that is exactly what is happening.

I am a writer as I know I already mentioned. That is a point because someone saw my work online and contacted me to apply for a job, which in the course of time I was awarded. It is such a miricle and represents an opportunity to work in the field of my choice, a field not that easy to get started in. It is the thing that brought this crisis to a head, I just could not work and I was feeling so desparate...my dream...opportunity and readiness...slipping away...now recaptured

I may only love you in the spirit of commadreship and still you are all precious to me.

I will be back to report on this thread and as I get the job down to a routine I plan on looking around more areas.

Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou.


*Keeping it all Inside

There is a price to pay eventually
For unresolved hurts stored up
For pain burrows down so innocently
Until the pain under pressure erupts

During the interim from hurt to relief
Pain seems to waive the toll,
Yet pain is sly and loves to divide
Rending its victim’s heart from soul

Once relief is at hand pain will subside
After washing out the wound
And as with erosion that defines from ebb and tide
Soon we’re healed our dross removed.

 

[Fiver]

I think anger - at God or at the universe in general - is a common and probably healthy part of grief.

You know how sometimes you happen across the right thing at the right moment for the right reason?

Yeah.

Thank you, I needed this reinforcement at this exact moment.