How to Deal with Difficult People

[David Baxter PhD]

How to Deal with Difficult People
by Merely Me
Monday, April 27, 2009

Sometimes I think Sartre had it right with his infamous quote, "Hell is other people." Okay not all people by any means, just some particularly difficult people. We have all had the experience of dealing with a difficult person in our life. This person may be a neighbor, a co-worker, a boss, a friend, a parent, or even your spouse. A friend of mine once said that some people go to therapy and some people cause other people to go to therapy. Let's face it, how many therapy sessions are probably spent discussing the difficult people in our life?

What defines an individual as being "difficult" is totally up to the observer. I have met plenty of people who I feel are pleasant personalities only to find that others may view this person as totally abrasive. Then there is also a range of difficult as some people may only be mildly annoying while others may be abusive and downright toxic to our mental health.

Author Lillian Glass who wrote the book, Toxic People: 10 ways of dealing with people who make your life miserable, asks questions for you to ascertain whether or not you have a toxic relationship with someone. Some of these questions include:

• Do you feel tense or nervous around this person or do you feel devalued after having been around this person?
• Do you feel constantly judged by this person? Does your self esteem suffer when you are around this person?
• Do you feel drained of energy after having been with this person?
• Do you feel emotional relief when you are away from this person?
• Do you suffer from physical ailments such as headaches, breathing problems, stomach problems, hives, or other tension related troubles after spending time with this person?
• Does this person make rude, sarcastic, hostile, negative comments to you or give you backhanded compliments?

These are but some questions to ask yourself. I would add that when we are around a toxic individual; we do not feel comfortable being ourselves. There is a sense that we need to protect ourselves from emotional harm.

So what can we do?
In my opinion the first thing you have to decide is whether or not you wish to continue the relationship with this person. This is an extremely difficult decision to make in some cases. It may be a whole lot easier to cut off all ties with a long distance friend than it is with your parent. It may be difficult to just quit your job just because you cannot handle your boss's personality. But sometimes these decisions are made because your mental health is at stake. In some cases, to leave is the only option in order to keep your sanity.

Yet in a lot of cases we are not in an option to delete the person from our life for whatever reason. Perhaps we need our job at the moment and cannot just up and quit. Perhaps we do love the rude relative or ill mannered friend but we just can't stand their behaviors. So we make the choice to co-exist with this person but how do we do this peacefully? One way is for you to determine what sort of relationship you wish to have with this person.

What they say is true. You cannot change other people. You can only change yourself.

What changes can you make in yourself when dealing with a difficult person?

• Don't give your power away. What I mean by this is do not give this person all of your time and energy by obsessing over them. Do not replay conversations in your head and what you think you should have said in reply. You can be sure that the difficult person in your life is not sitting around thinking about you this much.
  
• Give your time and energy to those people in your life who are nurturing and supportive. It is amazing how much time and energy we waste upon people who are unkind to us. We react to them, try to figure out why they act as they do, we placate them, and devise ways of making peace. In the meantime, the loving people in our lives quite often get ignored.
  
• Use behavioral strategies. Reward good behaviors by telling the person how much you like when they act in compassionate and caring ways. If it is at all possible ignore inappropriate or rude behaviors.
  
• Don't take it to heart. Remember that another's behavior is reflective of them as a person and not you. If an individual is making the choice to behave in hurtful ways then you can be certain that they behave this way to others as well. What they say or do is not a reflection of you or your self worth.
  
• Repeat back what they say and seek clarification. Sometimes people don't realize what they sound like until you repeat their words back to them. You can say something like: "So what I hear you saying is (repeat their words). Is this accurate?"
  
• Confront the person if necessary. Confrontation is hard. It isn't like the person is going to say, "Gee you are so right. I have been a total jerk." The person might get angry and upset. But I always like to think that so much of the anguish of dealing with a difficult person is when we fail to stand up for ourselves. Confrontation doesn't mean to lash out or react in anger. It means to state clearly and concisely your terms for what you will and will not put up with. Do not depend upon a certain outcome in order to feel good about saying something. Feel good because you have been honest, assertive, and that you are giving the person a chance to get their act together.

So what about you? How have you dealt with the difficult people in your life? What strategies have worked for you?

 

[white page]

This is such a useful article Dr Baxter , thankyou .

I especially like the following advice ,it is all about keeping ones intergrity and setting bounderies .

Confront the person if necessary. Confrontation is hard. It isn't like the person is going to say, "Gee you are so right. I have been a total jerk." The person might get angry and upset. But I always like to think that so much of the anguish of dealing with a difficult person is when we fail to stand up for ourselves. Confrontation doesn't mean to lash out or react in anger. It means to state clearly and concisely your terms for what you will and will not put up with. Do not depend upon a certain outcome in order to feel good about saying something. Feel good because you have been honest, assertive, and that you are giving the person a chance to get their act together.

 

[Budoaiki]

Don't give your power away. What I mean by this is do not give this person all of your time and energy by obsessing over them. Do not replay conversations in your head and what you think you should have said in reply. You can be sure that the difficult person in your life is not sitting around thinking about you this much.

This one really hit the nail on the head for me, thanks Dr.Baxter.

 

[forgetmenot]

I like the step repeat back what they say. This will maybe give the person a chance to take back what harmful things that were said and give clarification of what was said. I was also taught using a very quiet voice when talking with someone that is confrontational will decrease that persons anger. By talking quietly they realize i am not angry just want them to listen . Thanks for the excellent post. mary

 

[Jazzey]

Thank you Dr. Baxter. Sometimes, those people are the closest to you. And as the article suggests, maybe family members whom you love and want to keep in your life.

From someone who's desperately trying to finally learn personal boundaries here's a question for the membership:

From a purely practical viewpoint, what have people done to try and set up these boundaries? Setting up these boundaries can sometimes elicit emotions: what emotions have been brought to the fore by bringing these boundaries into play and how have you dealt with them?

I'm trying to set up boundaries but I'm always brought back to the starting point through my own guilt....Deep sadness, like grieving a loss (I think the loss of the image I'd created in my mind - denying the stuff that I've known for a very long time now), and then just more guilt at not being the family member that I feel I should be....

 

[David Baxter PhD]

There are, of course, people who will intentionally play upon that guilt as a way of manipulating you into giving them what they want or need without regard for what you want or need.

Use that guilt as a red flag when you feel it. Start by asking yourself, as objectively as you can, whether there is anything that you have done to merit feeling guilty. Not the emphasis here on what you have done - not what the other person is feeling (or claiming to feel). You are not and cannot be responsible for how another person feels. You can only be responsible for your actions and your own feelings. So when you feel that guilt coming up again, unless you can identify something you have done that you should feel guilty about, recognize it as a manipulation and back away from it.

 

[NicNak]

I often wonder if people who make guilt trips can see somehow that one would be vunerable to it.

Reminds me of a quote "You give someone a hand, they take your whole arm" this is how I feel sometimes and I try to fight to keep my arm at least. But I see a trend almost with how some people are with me.

 

[Into The Light]

i think they have a sixth sense for it, definitely.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Regardless, they can certainly learn who it doesn't work on. You just need to be vigilant and very firm and consistent in enforcing your boundaries and not allowing yourself to succumb to the manipulation.

 

[forgetmenot]

I find i truly don't understand this idea of boundaries. I know my T mentioned something about this but i didn't understand then either.
What if the guilt is merited guilt from something that was done in the past towards this person. How do you deal with it then. They use my past things i did that hurt them not intentionally never intentionally to manipulate me into doing whatever i can to undue the harm mary

 

[Jazzey]

What if the guilt is merited guilt from something that was done in the past towards this person. How do you deal with it then. They use my past things i did that hurt them not intentionally never intentionally to manipulate me into doing whatever i can to undue the harm mary

I personally think that this is part of twisted thinking Mary. It's easy to feel guilt, it's easy to "see" that we've done something wrong to those we love. Because that's the training / brainwashing that we've had. I really liked the description that my psychologist gave me today - she called it 'porous relationships'. Meaning that there are no boundaries with me and people that I care for, or have in my life. This enables people to encroach on me and really hurt my self-image.

As individuals - it's imperative that we have a boundary around us - both physically and emotionally (personality wise). I can't know who I am really until those boundaries are in place because my relationships are so 'porous' that I "live" for sustaining other people in my life. So for instance, I'm not happy unless I feel that I've helped someone else, been a good person towards them.

So the boundaries, for me at least, is saying - ok, me first. I'm going to be good to "ME" first. I'm feeling emotionally depleted - it's ok to say "this is too much for me".

The idea of boundaries is a little difficult for me too Mary. But again, I recognize that this is because it's ingrained into my thinking patterns. But none of us can be healthy as individuals if we don't recognize ourselves as 'individuals'. My "individuality" is so enmeshed with the people in my life that I love that I don't know "me" anymore and can't recognize what my needs are. This only leads to my burning out and feeling pretty destructive towards myself when I can't meet other people's needs...again, distorted thinking here that is rooted in my personal upbringing...

I hope this makes some sense Mary - I'm still processing all of it...

 

[forgetmenot]

Thanks Jazzey i am starting to understand this boundary concept. I am also emeshed with my twin and daughter and maybe more in my family. I need to find me again. Sometimes i forget that i am even here. What you are saying i can relate to with helping others as well. It is all i know i do well at. I need to bring this topic up with my T again on Tuesday as i need to start finding out what boundaries i need to be setting up and how especially with my daughter. thanks mary

 

[white page]

Guilt is a very complex subject , I found this article which explores various aspects, Guilt - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

As Dr Baxter says there are legitimate guilt feelings for having transgressed universal objective moral and ethical values. For example ,not helping a person who has fallen in the street.It is totaly legitimate to feel that you behaved like a jerk and you should feel like a jerk.

And there is the guilt which is induced by manipulation and subjective cultural moral rules and imperitives. For example parents saying to their children, "How can you even think of wanting to be an artist after all we've done for you! How can you do this to us? What will the family, neighbours say?"

Those parents feel that they have a perverse legitimate rights to be selfish and destructive , and the poor child will carry this nonlegitimate guilt for disappointing his parents, maybe for the rest of his/her life. Those parents are toxic towards their children.

I know this is simplistic, but it does separate the two main lines

And this is where setting bounderies is sometimes very difficult.

 

[forgetmenot]

Thanks White page the article on guilt helps me understand some of the things i am feeling. and about boundaries more. mary

 

[white page]

To return to boundaries a little, there are behaviours towards us from others which try to trample down the boundaries of respect and ignore that we have the right for respect.
On the fundamental level it can start within families, where the parents do not recognize that their children are separate individuals with their own unique needs and minds, the parents impose their own needs on their children, and are totally intrusive and non respectful of their children, treating them as extensions of themselves or like possessions, those children grow up with no defenses and are more likely to suffer abuse, as abuse is normality for them.
Learning to set boundaries, is learning to say no, for instance no one has the right to decide what is best for you or how you should live your life, no one has the right to speak in your place, no one has the right to denigrate you or make fun of you. No one has the right to read your private correspondence or touch you without your consent and if any of these things happen you have the right to speak up and ask for an explanation, an apology and to say that you do not agree with what has been done, this is setting your boundaries.