I am beginning to feel myself slipping into depression again

[Allegro]

...I am posting in this forum because I have been having a lot of trouble staying present rather than dissociating to escape how I have been feeling. The meds aren't working, ECT's are not helping either, and I am noticing the old behaviors begining again: I don't want to get up in the morning, I don't want anyone to talk to me or ask me any questions, I don't feel like eating ever, and I just want to crawl in a hole in the ground and pull the weeds in after me.

I am so tired of this illness. It is a battle day after day. No quarter is ever given, and if I could surender to someone, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But there is no one to surender to. I am in pain all of the time (back problems, that's another drama) and I am just too tired to force myself to do all of the things I am supposed to do when this happens. Dear God, I hope I am not heading towards suicidal tendencies. I don't want to go to the hospital again.

Why did this have to happen now? Right in the middle of the holiday season with all of the crap that comes with it.

I finally got my husband to begin taking Lexapro by the long-standing advice of my psyche-doc, but he won't take it regularly, and he is always either hyper or grouchy. B*tch, b*tch, b*tch... that seems all he does anymore. I wish I could just be left alone. All alone.

Allegro

 

[Eunoia]

the holiday season has a tendency to do that- to make things seem even more stressful and to add extra stress. can you go talk to your doctor and therapist about all of this? espec. if you think the meds and ECT are working less... maybe they'll have some ideas.

I am so tired of this illness. It is a battle day after day. No quarter is ever given, and if I could surender to someone, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. It is a battle day after day, you're right. My sister is bipolar and I've seen her try to fight (literally for her life at times) day after day, and there's the good days, then the bad days, then meds that work, then again meds that don't work anymore... and all she really wants is a break from all of this. So having seen her go through this I know it's difficult....to always have to deal w/ things and no amount of effort will ever make it go away... but you can learn to deal w/ things so that the disorder won't completely control your life, so that you can go through each day, trying your best and hoping for the best- realistically there'll always be the good times and the bad times. And sometimes you may feel like all you want to do is give up.... but just think of all that you have overcome so far and the strength you've had to get you through this. As bad as things get from time to time or as hopeless or discouraging life may seem, it is worth fighting for. It's not "fair" that it's this hard for some people but you do deserve to live a happy life, even if it means fighting for it.

 

[healthbound]

Hey Allegro,

I'm glad you posted. I've really enjoyed getting to "know" you through this forum. I find that I identify with you a lot (including how you feel now). I don't have any advice...I just wanted to let you know that I can empathize with things being more difficult - especially at this time of year. My sister's death date is next Friday and Christmas always subconsciously reminds me that I don't have the "commercial perfect family".

I like what Eunoia said:
"the holiday season has a tendency to do that- to make things seem even more stressful and to add extra stress. can you go talk to your doctor and therapist about all of this? espec. if you think the meds and ECT are working less... maybe they'll have some ideas. "

Can you increase your dosage or maybe even temporarily add something to the mix?

Don't give up...I'm rooting for you.

 

[Allegro]

Dear Eunoia,

Thanks for the reply. I feel like a bit of a hypocrit because I have been posting to other people about hanging on, fighting, not giving up, etc., and here I am griping about my own depression. Oh, well. At least when I do write to them I am able to pull strength from my own words. You are right about the holiday season being stressful, though I really think that has little to do with how I am feeling right now. I think a great deal of it comes from the stress of my family. Also, I was not able to see my therapist this past week, and folks inside always get terribly nervous when that happens. They get afraid that he will either disapear or just stop seeing "us".

I think that one of the main reasons I like coming to this web-site is that I can vent but I don't have to have any real conversations. I can read what other people like you write and take loads of support and caring without getting worn out trying to maintain a pleasant conversation. Anyway, thanks again for your response. I really needed it.

Allegro

 

[Allegro]

Dear Healthbound,

I want to thank you as well for your reply. I am also enjoying getting to know you along with the rest of those who post here.

I think one of the worst things about Depression is how it has such a skewed reputation and most people look at anyone who says they have it as if they are just being lazy and whining. I have met people who said to "just" do this or that and I would get better. "Stop dwelling on it." "Go exercise." "Stop complaining." "You're taking medications, why aren't you better?" And so on. The problem is not that they don't understand. They don't want to understand. They probably don't even believe that Depression is a real illness.

So, I can come here and talk about my illness and disorders without having to justify everything I say or do. Like a cold drink of water on a hot day, this place is refreshing. I hope you and I can learn even more about each other.

Oh, yeah. I want to say that I am very sorry about how you have been feeling about the approach of the date your sister died. I hope you are able to both morn her death and find ways to celebrate her life. She must have been someone very special for you to feel as you do about her. Be extra gentle with yourself during the upcoming weeks.

Allegro

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I feel like a bit of a hypocrit because I have been posting to other people about hanging on, fighting, not giving up, etc., and here I am griping about my own depression.

I don't think that's being a hypocrite. I think that's probably true for many of us. When you look at someone else's life, it's often clear what that person should do. It isn't as easy to apply the same onjectivity and logic to one's own life and situation.

 

[Eunoia]

even though I feel exactly the same way, I have to agree, you're not a hypocrite... it's not that we're trying to say one thing to someone and then not think that the advice is "good enough" for ourselves; it just doesn't work for us for whatever reason... as David said, often, it is just so much easier being objective about other people's problems and lives, but we're too wrapped up in our own to realize what steps to take from time to time.

In terms of the holiday season I think it is added stress, not necessarily the only stressor... I find that when I have exams for ex. everything else- even if other people think it's no big deal or at any other time I wouldn't think so either- just seems "too much" b/c I'm already so stressed out... so if you're trying to deal w/ your own issues and family things and maybe the holidays, it's bound to be stressful... if you're not stressed b/c of the holidays, I'm sure a lot of people would envy that position!

The problem is not that they don't understand. They don't want to understand

This is so true. Sad, but true. But that's their problem essentially, if they can't take the time to try to understand. None of us would ever expect someone to understand 100% or accept us for who we are no matter what, but you would at least expect the other person to try to understand, as they would want us to understand their problem along the same lines.

 

[ThatLady]

We always find it easier to see another's path than to see our own, just as we can see if someone else has a hole in the seat of their britches, but can't see if we have one. That's why, I think, we humans reach out to one another in the manner that we do. We don't want to face life with an unmended hole in our britches!

Seriously, hon, what you describe is felt by everyone. I've often said to myself: "Now, I found it so easy to advise <insert other person here>, and my advice worked. Why the heck can't I apply all those smarts to my own problems?" It's not hypocritical, at all. It's human nature.

Some people are more empathetic than others. A lot of it comes from having undergone similar problems, or situations, either in your own life or through sharing the lives of those very close to you. As we go through these things, we learn and are able to pass on what we've learned. That's the wonderful thing about this forum. There are many empathetic people here who have faced similar problems to those we might find ourselves facing. Their input can help us pick the right path back to happiness and health.

 

[Allegro]

Thanks, ThatLady,

A very good insight, ThatLady.

There are many empathetic people here who have faced similar problems to those we might find ourselves facing. Their input can help us pick the right path back to happiness and health.

Realistically, I would not go to a football site to find support for my interest in baseball. The people at this site all have been affected by mental illness or other disorders one way or another so they have the ability to lend their beliefs and ideas. If I waited until I was feeling completely cured of all of my illnesses and disorders I might not even come here. Instead, I have at least a limited amount of commiseration and ideas to share with others even when I am also suffering along with the person I am writing to.

I just wish there were public service announcements periodically over the air-waves to educate people on the vast extent of common mental illnesses and behavioral disorders like they do for so many other illnesses like cancer, emphysema, diabetes, and so on. I guess that since mental illness is not the highest generator of income it is just not lucritive to have those type of commercials.

Have any of you ever noticed how people seem to expect us to be ashamed and perhaps not even talk about our disorders? Here in the United States, there is always a spot on the job application where you are supposed to list any health problems along with your skills and experience. It is just about impossible to find a job here if you mention anything about having mental illness. We have a policy of "don't ask, don't tell" (keep all known illnesses to yourself, and bosses should never ask about any illnesses in their employees).

Anyway, I'm babbling again, and my husband is asking me to get off of the computer. Thanks to you all, and be gentle with yourselves.

Allegro

 

[healthbound]

Allegro...How are you? It's been a long time and I wonder how things are going, so I thought I'd post this in hopes that you'd get the notification and then drop by soon Hope all is well.

 

[Allegro]

Hi, Healthbound

I wish I could say I was doing fine, but I can't. I hope you are doing well, though. Thanks for thinking of me.

Allegro

 

[healthbound]

Hi Allegro.
It's really good to hear from you. I think about you often and wonder how you are doing. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time. If you feel like talking, the forums are a great place to be during rough times and I'd be happy to listen.
Your friend,
healthbound.