I am failing yet again

[SilverRaven]

I have been so depressed lately..Things were going ok for awhile but now that weather has become a problem work has become less for my husband so making ends meet is nearly impossible..but many thanks to the charities in the area that have helped us out...

but my biggest problem is that my 12 yr old son is going down the same path as my 20 yr old son...his behaviors and actions are identical in every way...he speaks the same way everything...I have had him in therapy since he was young but he refuses to cooperate with the therapists or us... he was an A-B student in fifth grade but since he started middle school he has become a stranger to us...he acts up in school so much..been suspended once for two days for whipping a student with the sting to his hoody...so not good..didnt hurt the student but it is not tolerated non-the-less....he wont do his chore without arguing about it...so we dont argue anymore we just write down on a calender he can see which days he earned his allowance and which days he didnt...he says he hates us when ever he gets angry but I know he doesn't mean it...he doesnt like anything we make for supper anymore...so he finds his own...I dont know what to do anymore...

I failed in helping my older son get better and now he's in prison for nine years due to his behavior...he writes to his younger brother telling him not to follow in his foot steps and to listen to us and do good in school that he wished he had listened because prison is no fun but of course Skyler wont listen to anyone...he just rolls his eyes...he seems depressed himself and I try to talk to him about it but it seems he misses his friends back home more than he lets on to and wants to be back there ...

He is excited that one of his older sisters is coming down for three weeks for Christmas...but I just dont know what to do anymore and I am losing all hope in my being a better parent for him and making him well again...I would love to help him be the sweet happy kid he was...I also understand that he is close to becoming 13 and the body goes through changes but he is out of control...his medication isnt even helping with his ADHD so I will have to talk to his doctor about it...but he has OCD..ODD..as well....I don't know what to do so I am becoming more depressed as the school year goes on...the teachers and us are at a loss....I dont want him to struggle through school anymore or at home...but I don know what else to do that we havent tried alaready..I'm out of ideas

 

[Retired]

Silver Raven,

Sorry to hear about the difficulties facing your family at this time. I noticed you are in Virginia, and wonder if the following resources might provide some assistance:

Support Groups - Office of Mental Health Services

DBHDS homepage

Local Departments of Social Services - Virginia Department of Social Services

 

[Daniel E.]

another resource in Virginia and nationally is CHADD, which you may have heard of since they are a support group for ADD:

CHADD Chapter Search

They have an online community/forum as well, including one for parents.

How often does your son normally see his psychiatrist?

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi all you can do hun is what you are doing Get your son professional help and be there when he needs someone to listen
Boundaries to be set and you are doing that as well.
I know how hard it is to have a child with mental illness how we blame ourselves . I just want you to know that you are not failing your child hun and in time he will see that for him to heal he has to participate in health care provided for him. That being said it is part of the illness how they sabotage all the help we set up for them sometimes they just cannot help it the illness is so strong they cannot think clearly
Just keep getting him the councilling he needs to see for him to have any control in getting well he needs to cooperate
Open all the doors you can okay to get him support use all the connections out there the ones given to you above contact them all okay
YOU are a great mom okay you are fighting for your child and not letting him slip through the cracks like most young children do hugs to you.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

I hope you can see that you are a loving parent.

You can only do so much.

The other person has to want the help.

It is not YOUR failure if the person (in this case, your son) does not want to help himself.

It sounds evident that he knows you love him, and although he thinks he knows everything/thinks you don't understand, that's besides the point - because sure, it would help if he thought you could help him, but the main thing is that you love him. He has to learn to help himself, and no one, including yourself, should shoulder all the responsibility for someone else's actions.

You try your best. That's what matters. You love your son. That's what matters. Even if he goes down the same path as his brother, it sounds like his older brother has learned the most from his mistakes because he is even trying to steer your youngest son in the right direction. So how is that a failure? Sometimes people learn best from their own mistakes. Sometimes after being in the dark for a while, they come out the other side, and are the better for it. You give your kids the best part of you and they take away what they can at the time, and maybe learn more later. You can't claim that you had anything to do with their victories (and victories that weren't their own, aren't really theirs), so how can you claim you had a part in their failures?

 

[SilverRaven]

thanks....thanks for the information I will look towards some answers there as well...its just been so hard ...everyday arguing here in the house because he wont do as he's told and then I have to be the referee and just say dont argue with him it wont and doesnt work with a child with his issues...he sees a therapist every two weeks...it use to be once a month but when things started getting out of hand we changed it...I have talked with social services but I guess i have to go to a different agency because the one in my county does not seem very interested in helping people ...sad to say...sure not like they are in Wisconsin.....I think I have heard of CHADD but didnt know what it was...I guess I just cant help blaming myself for this mess...I wasnt the best mother in the world but I did the best I could with what I have ...I just cant help but think I should have done more...or that I missed doing something and that is what went wrong.....I will check into this support group and check with another agency in another county and see if I can get some help with them...yes my oldest did learn some valuable lessons but is also still struggling to conform to rules...but in due time I hope he to makes it out alright in the end when he gets out...thanks for your advice it does help when someone can steer you in a direction