I Can't Seem To Get To A Point

[Cavi]

where food is not an enemy...In 05 I starved myself for 6 months to the point of malnutrition, I was poisoning myself with water, so on and on...Than in Feb 06 it switched to Bulimia...I've been bulimic since up until a few weeks ago and now I am switching back to anorexia...Is it common for such a switch between the 2 disorders?>.....I've always been told you can't have both...

B/c of starving myself for the 6 months, I've developed a sensitivity to salt and sugar and have landed my butt in the hospital b/c of it...When I was bingeing my body would swell to the point I couldn't walk or breathe...

But I can't seem to get where I can accept food as not being bad...When I was a kid if I was hungry before a meal and there was several hours to go yet, I wasn't allowed to have anything, so I use to eat dog food...I would hide and eat it...I know ya'll probably think thats funny but its sad that I felt I had to do that...

I go from either being obsessed with eating or freaking out if someone gets food near me....RIMH (Who feels like an idiot and thinks everybody is laughing at her right about now)

 

[Cat Dancer]

No one is laughing at you.

I do think you can go back and forth among eating disorders. I do that too. I also was not allowed to eat when I was hungry as a child and I would sneak and eat baby aspirin and dog and cat food and other things. It's sad to me that you had to do that.

I hope your therapist can help you sort all of this out.

:hug:

 

[David Baxter PhD]

We're not laughing, RIMH.

 

[Halo]

RIMH,

We are definitely not laughing at you and I think that struggling with any sort of eating disorder is a serious issue and not to be taken lightly.

Take care

 

[Cavi]

Whew feel a little better...Anyways writing it out here helped me tell my T today . she told me we had alot of work and alot of teaching me to forgive myself...I also was honest with her and told her I had closed my bank acct. signed over some stuff to K (which she doesn't know about, I put the papers in an envelope) and filled my Zoloft to overdose with...

I am doing my regular session this week besides today...I am working on walking this walk, even if sometimes I have to crawl...So the plans have stopped, and hopefully it will stay that way...The next few weeks are going to be extra tough b/c I told my T EVERYTHING today about the wrongs I have done...She told me it was excess baggage that I needed to let go and forgive myself...I said it w/o stuttering...Tough as hell but I did it...

My moms birthday is Feb 9th so the next few weeks is going to be like walking on a high wire with the eating disorder...I am going to try to eat even tho food looks like little orange oompa loompas with horns...I swear that stuff is staring at me...Now I'll be set as long as it doesn't switch back to the bulimia...But if I start going that direction, I'll stay away from my trigger foods and avoid K as much as possible...

I kinda chuckled today at my T, she said underneath her breath that K would drive her nuts...RIMH

 

[Halo]

RIMH,

You should be really proud of yourself for opening up so much to your therapist and for being so honest. I know how hard it is and you did great. Give yourself a big pat on the back for it. It is a slow process but you really sound like you have a great supportive therapist and that is great.

Take care

 

[ThatLady]

It's good to hear you were able to talk honestly with your therapsit, RIMH, and good to know you have an understanding, caring therapist who's willing to help you fight your way out of this. I'm really glad you've put the plans away and we'll be pulling for you! :hug:

 

[Cavi]

Ty!...rimh