I feel I've lost my independence

[foghlaim]

a big problem for me right now is my independance (sp?).
I have for most (nearly all!) my life struggled with accepting help from anybody.? ?I learned from an early age not to depend on anyone.? I learned to solve my own problems without having to discuss them with anybody.? I can talk in general terms about anything as long as it's not about me.. if i have a problem with me then I!! will solve\sort it. I can stand on my own 2 feet!? ? ? (i'm findin it hard to stay focussed here).? ? ? ?

I'm going to contradict those statements now because that is where i was\still am.
Constantly contradicting myself in order to justify why i looked for help this time, (maybe that should read it was offered and i took it.)? While at the same time telling myself not to, i don't need help with this, this will pass, or i can sort it.
(getting bogged down in my head now, i know i started this post for a reason.)

ok!.. 1st of all i didn't realise this (where i am\have been for a while now) is \was depression.? ?Sure I felt like this many a time over the yrs and didn't NEED help. I got thru it.. or i shrugged it off\ ignored it.? ?Why not now??
another thought that keeps coming up is why am i diff from anybody else who has been thru what i have (or similar).? In fact i'm the person that others come to in a crisis.? Because i can handle "whatever it is".

(maybe i'm going round in circles here, am i? )
i'm on an anti-depressant and sleeping tabs..? ?never needed those before and i don't want to be taking them now.
now because i know i need the help i am getting, i feel have given up my independance, my ability to sort myself out.? ?And that ability was my strength.? (don't know if i'm using the right words or if my meaning of them is clear).? ? ? ? ?

at this moment.. i feel i have lost too much.. and it's getting me down even further than i was.
what did i lose?... in no particular order.
my independance is gone.
my job is gone.
my car is gone.?
my ability to provide the things i used to is gone. ( food, pay bills etc)
and to top it all..? I lost me!

i know and understand the difference between Need and want
but that doesn't make me feel any better.
i feel i have lost the biggest battle and that was to keep my independance, if i could have kept my independance maybe i wouldn't have lost me.? ?I can't believe i did that to myself.. i gave it away.
part of me doesn't care what happens to me now.... and a very small part of me does, probably why i am writing this.??

even writing this has the same feeling about it...

 

[ThatLady]

Re: i feel i've lost my independance

Hmm. I don't look at independence as not accepting anything from anyone. I believe one can be independent, help others, and still share the wealth by allowing others to help, as well. Helping is something that makes one feel good. When you accept help from others, it's like giving a gift.

That said, I can understand completely why you'd feel pretty down, having lost your job, your car, and your ability to provide in the way you had become accustomed to providing (for yourself, and for others). That's not a fun place to be, and I can imagine it would make you feel dependent. There's a difference, I guess, between being an independent thinker and an independent doer. You're still the same person you were. You're still an independent thinker. Right now, however, you're unable to be an independent doer in certain areas of your life.

I think the thing to remember here is that life is dynamic. It changes every day. We can ride along, letting it change on its own, or we can be proactive in guiding those changes to bring us to the point at which we wish to arrive. You, I think, are at the crossroads. You're just beginning to try to make the changes that will better your position. That's a hard place for anyone to be, hon. I've been there, and I'm sure others here have, as well. If we aren't very careful, and if we don't reach out for help and guidance, we run the risk choosing the path of least resistance and just letting life happen to us. As an independent thinker, that's certainly not the path for you!

As to losing yourself, I don't really see that you have. You have lost a job and a car, but those are things. The job provided the ability to provide, so that's sorta a sub-category. Yet, the independent thinker...YOU...is still in there fighting. I can tell, because when I read your post you are, in a way, arguing with yourself. You see both sides of the issue, but feel helpless to change things at the moment.

You've always been the one to be there for others. Now, you need others to be there for you. Give that gift to them. Work on yourself and put yourself first. That's what you have to do now. You didn't give anything away, luv. You just lost the ball for a bit, but the game is still going. You're still in it. It's just going to take effort, and time, to get back on top of things. It took a bit to get here, and it will take a bit to get to where you want to be. All those years of doing for others, never asking for help, pushing and pushing and pushing...all alone...they take a toll.

 

[Rosa]

Re: i feel i've lost my independance

((((Notsure)))) It's going to be ok. ?I, too, am learning to ask for help and I know how hard that can be. Several people have compared Mental Health Issues to be as serious as Physical issues (such as Diabetes, Broken Bones) these things we wouldn't think twice about getting the help we need- the same should hold true with Mental Health issues. ?Getting help doesn't make us less independant, if anything it makes us stronger. ?
You are NOT a car or a job, you are a valueable and unique human being-thats priceless. ?Physical things come and go ?in our lifetimes, but who we are remains with us and is what is really important. ?This week I've run out of money-there is no money for food or anything else. ?Tonight I have to go to the pet store and get dog food on 'credit' ?I don't feel really good about it but I do what I have to do. ?You too will find the strength to go on.
Be well my friend
Rosa

 

[foghlaim]

Re: i feel i've lost my independance

TL: ?i've read what i wrote and you reply.. (i'm not going to make any sense now) ?cause i'm not so much thnking as feeling. ? I'm on the brink of tears... can even feel them.... but i can't\won't let them go. ?I'm hurting now because i think!! what have i done to myself!! and to give in and cry.. well i'm afraid i won't stop.. that i'll feel the hurt even more... ?I did it once (yrs ago) and the physical pain was beyond. ? ? ?also i do have to go out soon and that will be excuse this time.

ihave to focus now on somethng else,, away from this feeling..

something i was going to post about earlier in relation to above.... can't remember..
Forget it!!

TL.. thanks *s*

 

[foghlaim]

thank u Rosa for you r kind words.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Getting help doesn't make us less independant, if anything it makes us stronger.

I agree.

I think people who get help for their problems are some of the bravest people in the world. (Not me. I am not brave. But one day maybe I'll be brave.)

 

[foghlaim]

hi janet,, thanks for your reply also.

I don't think i'm brave at all, in fact i feel the total opposite!
i rang today to make an apt. The Dr. rang me back later this evening and i see him tomorow evening.? I wasn't suposed to have apt this week but things have changed, anyway,,, i have copied what i wrote above and will bring it with me.? haven't decided yet if i will show it to him.? ?the need v want debate again. lol!

enuff said ..

 

[ThatLady]

Heh. Actually, you're very brave, Notsure. Anxiety/panic attacks have nothing to do with cowardice vs bravery. They're more about how our chemical systems are working at the moment. Those of us who have to face the horror of a panic attack have to be pretty darned brave just to get through one. If you think of it that way, you'll realize how much courage you really DO have.

 

[thebehaviourist]

Hello Notsure,
Further to the other comments. I suspect that a lot of people will be able to empathise with how you feel even if some of us may never have shared your present experiences to such a level.
I agree with the contributor that said that asking for help is a sign of strength and also a sign of self preservation. Talking is always the first step to recovery after being able to admit that you need to talk about the issues.

You are not alone here, we will offer any and all the help you need and even suggest some ideas that may help you when you are ready and able to benefit.

Please keep talking.....
Regards

 

[Cat Dancer]

I just wanted to say that, to me, being brave isn't about how you feel necessarily. To me, it's about doing something to help yourself when you're afraid, going against that fear to make changes to better yourself.

Maybe it's fighting through the terror and the scary moments. Maybe it's telling a secret that's haunted you for most of your life. Maybe it's letting go of the past and living in the moment.

Maybe it's all of these things.

If this makes any sense.

I still think you're very brave even if you don't feel like it.

 

[foghlaim]

thank you both.

 

[foghlaim]

thank u c.m.

 

[Rosa]

Notsure...just wondering how things were going?
Rosa

 

[foghlaim]

hi rosa..
thank u for asking... i wasn't going to reply cause truth is .. not great... but then i suppose it could be worse. *s*...
lots of thoughts going round and round... not the best of weeks. I said in another post.. i'm battling with something at the min...tis hard to think straight when so many things going on at same time.

any how..... how u doing?

 

[foghlaim]

so much for my independence.. it's gone out the window.. i'm now dependant on this site..
but i'm okay with it. here is different.. ii think.

anyway thanks for the support ye are giving me.