I hate it

[Little_Girl_Blue]

I wish I weren't writing this. It's going to read like a rant. Because I'm not feeling good right now. I'm desperate. I cannot stop purging. I HATE purging. It's disgusting and makes me bloated. I HATE IT. But I can't stop! I can't seem to restrict anymore. I can't do anything right. Why can't I just be normal?

I said I would try to be supportive to other people on this site and guess what - I can't do that. I'm too selfish right now and can only write about myself. I suck. I really really suck. I'm sorry.

 

[ThatLady]

Re: I hate it.

You have nothing to be sorry for, LGB. You're not selfish, at all. You're suffering, and that suffering makes you feel lousy.

Are you seeing a therapist for your ED, or in treatment of any kind? You can be "normal", but it's going to take some hard work to get there. :hug:

 

[Meg]

Re: I hate it.

Hi little girl blue,

Sounds like you're going through a pretty tough time at the moment

It must be very distressing to feel that you can't stop a behaviour that you hate. There is more to you than restricting and purging, though. I bet there are lots of other things that you do just fine.

I don't think you're selfish either. It seems like you've got going on at the moment. Eating disorders, as I am sure you are aware, can really take over your life and make you feel pretty awful. It doesn't have to be that way. I hope that if you're not already seeing someone to help you out with it that you will do that soon.

 

[Into The Light]

Re: I hate it.

if you aren't in a position to provide support to others on the site because of your struggles, then that's perfectly alright. the problems that people struggle with can become very overwhelming. you're not being selfish. you just simply don't have it in you right now to deal with other things.

you should put your energy into yourself right now. so post here when you need support, and talk to your therapist, and work at this. it's a tough road but it can be done.

 

[Little_Girl_Blue]

Re: I hate it.

Thank you for the comments.
They make me realize that I do need more support right now - a therapist, which I'm trying to get but for some reason the search here is proving to be harder than I expected.

Anyway, I'm in the position now where I can recognize the need for it. And that's a big step, so thank you.

 

[Misha]

Re: I hate it.

Hi, Little Girl Blue, my name is Misha, and I live in Edmonton, in Canada. I am also a Bulimic. I am in recovery and would love to walk beside you as you find your way to starting on that road as well. I know how hard it is and I know that getting better is the last thing you want to do right now but that it's the first thing you need to do.
I went into hospital in January and was inpatient for a couple months then have slowly transitioned to an outpatient program. I still can't have food at home, although hopefully I'll be making that step soon (starting with a box of cereal in the cupboard).... I go to hospital for 3 meals a day. I have had the support of doctors and nurses and dieticians and it has been a hard journey, but I have gotten over the illness and have gotten my life back.
I hope that you can find the courage to fight for your life as well. I will send you a private message with my email in it so we can communicate, but if you let me know where you are in switzerland maybe I can find out some resources for you through the help I have.
Please remember that you are worth it. Be strong... if I got through, you can too.