I Really Hate This Diagnosis

[Cavi]

My T showed me a letter that she had written to my new p-doc stating that I had Borderline Personality Disorder...I was confused when I first read it because I could of swore she told me that I didn't have it but that was also in the beginning of therapy with her...

"05" was the first time I had even heard BPD and my name mentioned together and that was overhearing my p-doc at that time talking to my ex T on the phone...I was furious with my ex T for never telling me because I had asked her several times and all she would say was she didn't believe in labels...All the confusion I felt from "98 to 05" from not understanding things my ex T had said and I didn't dare question her about them...

Than when I heard BPD I researched on the net the criteria and finally 7 years of not understanding it all made sense...Though knowing hit me really HARD because my ex T convinced me that everything I thought and did was wrong...K could be clingy and needy with me and I was looking at her behavior the wrong way...I was not allowed in any way shape or form to set a boundary with K because it was my thinking that was wrong and not K...Absolutely EVERYTHING I did or thought was wrong according to my ex T...

When I read the criteria and than joined a BPD forum it sunk me into an all time low...I thought, "My God it is me"...I starved myself for 6 months and tried to comitt suicide because I had my ex T getting more and more aggressive about everything that I did or thought was wrong...She would tell me she had to change my thinking...

When I read my current T's letter to my p-doc, I cried and cried hard because I don't want to have BPD...I don't want my ex T to be right and yet everytime I read the criteria I know it is...It makes me feel like something vile and I remember one author of a BPD book calling people with BPD, "parasites"...

When I first started therapy with my current T I said to her that I thought K was an undiagnosed BPD and my T comment was, "God Bless you for trying to live with someone with BPD"...That hurt...I've had several T's refuse to do therapy with me because of the stigma that is associated with BPD...

I try to work towards recovery but when an ex T pounds into your head that your bad and you read the criteria and a BPD forum, it truly makes it hard for me to not believe that I am scum...

Thats part of the reason why I feel like I don't fit in here, because of who I am...

Overcoming what my ex T did, is going to be one of the hardest battles in my life and my T is thinking about doing twice a week sessions because of the hallucinations, memory loss and going days without talking to anyone in 3-D or cyberspace...

I came so close of trying to comitt suicide the other day because I can't get my ex T's voice out of my head....RIMH

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: I Really Hate This Diagnosis...(May Trigger)

Of course, I have no idea whether or not that diagnosis is accurate for you.

But would it surprise you to know that there are other mebers of this forum who meet the criteria for BPD? Would that make it better or worse for you to accept that this diagnosis might apply?

Also, have you looked into the definition and significance of attachment disorder or the link between early childhood abuse and borderline personality disorder? You might find that instructive.

 

[Into The Light]

Re: I Really Hate This Diagnosis...(May Trigger)

it's really difficult to be diagnosed with anything, regardless of what it is. i think it's difficult for anyone to accept things when you're diagnosed with something that is so disruptive to your life. there's a sense of loss when you realize that you do not have a normal life without this condition. anger and grief go along with that. these are all normal reactions.

your ex-therapist may have known what the diagnosis was but she did not in any way try to help you with it. she used it against you. it doesn't make you scum. this condition is not your fault.

i am glad your current therapist wants to work with you. you said others have not wanted to do so because of the bpd, but now you've got someone who won't reject you for that.

having the diagnosis in a way is good. it means it's known what the problem is, and you can now have effective treatment directed at your problems. you can get help now, the right help, and your life will improve.

i know things are difficult and that it would be so easy to just give up. but we're all survivors, and you can make it through, with the help of your therapist, and the support you can get from us here. you can do this, rimh. you've shown strength by returning to your therapist rather than running away. i am proud of you for that.

 

[Cavi]

Re: I Really Hate This Diagnosis...(May Trigger)

But would it surprise you to know that there are other mebers of this forum who meet the criteria for BPD? Would that make it better or worse for you to accept that this diagnosis might apply? Yes, In a way it does surprise me but there is a comfort in knowing and that they are accepted here

I don't judge other people and I accept people for who they are...It's only myself that I am hardest on mainly because of some things I did in my past that I can't share here...I've stated before that if these things had become legal knowledge, I would of spent life in prison...I've worked very hard to change and not repeat want I did than...I've mellowed alot over the years and I keep my rage in check except when I was on Zoloft...But I had the sense enough to take myself off of it slowly...Add the guilt from my past and what my ex T did and its not a good combo...

Also, have you looked into the definition and significance of attachment disorder or the link between early childhood abuse and borderline personality disorder? You might find that instructive.

No, I haven't, thanks for the link, I will check it out...

Thanks LB...Your right, knowing what the diagnosis is, makes it so much easier to know how to work on it...I just get infuriated with my ex T for not telling me when I asked what my diagnosis was...All she would say was major depression...To spend 7 years in not confusion of why she made certain statements was really hard...I sent for Marsha Linehams books on DBT and CBT, so I'll see what happens when I get them...Its been tough concentrating on anything with the memory loss and hallucinations...But I am hoping to be able to turn all of this around....RIMH

 

[cindylo]

Re: I Really Hate This Diagnosis...(May Trigger)

There is also the posibility that complex PTSD can look a lot like BPD. Either way both are responsive to treatment. Sounds like you have a therapist that wants to help and you sound motivated. You have a lot going for you.

Cindy

 

[ThatLady]

Re: I Really Hate This Diagnosis...(May Trigger)

RIMH, what I'm about to say has absolutely nothing to do with your post(s). However, I do feel the need to say it.

I don't care what your diagnosis is. To me, you're not a diagnosis. You're RIMH, someone I've grown to care about, and for. You're a friend, and part of this community in which we all share. You're like family. :hug: