Hi everyone. Within the last year I have developed some major feelings of fear and anxiety that typically involve things that could cause harm if left open/on/in an incorrect position. It all started with me obsessively checking my stove and oven before I left my house. At first I had to do it once, then I would get the point of checking it 3-5 times. I could stand there, look at it and confirm it was off, but the second I turned around I was as uncertain as I was before I had checked it at all. It was like all my memory and certainty were gone as soon as I looked away.
Now that I have moved to another town for my graduate studies and work in a lab, this fear has been spreading to other potential objects of danger. In your average biochemistry lab there are little vials of protein worth up to $400 for 1ml. In a -20degC tub-freezer you could have literally tens of thousands of dollars of proteins and DNA. In a large, -80degC freezer you could have an entire career worth of frozen protein and cells. A lab will also have gas-burners that create a sterile zone in the air when working with cultures. The fear I had of leaving my stove on at home has now transferred to these objects, and whenever I am the last person to leave the lab and have to close up, I find myself frantically scrambling to check that everything is off. I will check everything, but then have a sudden fear that one thing wasn't turned off or closed properly. I will go check it, then suddenly have to check a burner again, or a fridge, etc...
The worst thing is that if I try to consciously convince myself that I am being irrational, I am flooded with visions of burning down the building by accidentally leaving a flame on, or destroying my PI's entire career by neglecting to shut the -80 freezer - I can practically feel the anger and disapproval of everyone else in these visions. I see these things being turned off, I know I can tell the difference between something this is open and closed, but it seems nothing can make me feel confident that I have left everything as it should be. Even when my routine is done and I go home, all it takes is one random doubtful thought about how I left the lab and I am suddenly crippled by fear and anxiety.
A month and a bit ago, I got up at 3 in the morning and walked 30 minutes to my lab just to make sure a box of enzymes was put away in the freezer. I also got out of a bus two stops from home and walked back because I thought I had left a fridge open in the staff office.
I used to think my behaviour was just a silly idiosyncrasy, but now I feel that my actions have crossed a line that suggests mental illness. I want to go ask a professional, but I don't know how to go about it. I don't want to just go to a doctor and say "Hey I think I have OCD or some anxiety disorder please diagnose me".
Does anyone else think there is something wrong with me? I conceal my behaviour so well that others probably think I am normal. If other people who were less biased and prone to over-thinking things agreed with me I might feel more confident to go see a professional without worrying about coming off as a hypochondriac. Right now I am worried I have just constructed my supposed mental illness as a way of making sense of something that feels out of order in my life.
Any opinions from those who have been diagnosed are greatly appreciated!
Now that I have moved to another town for my graduate studies and work in a lab, this fear has been spreading to other potential objects of danger. In your average biochemistry lab there are little vials of protein worth up to $400 for 1ml. In a -20degC tub-freezer you could have literally tens of thousands of dollars of proteins and DNA. In a large, -80degC freezer you could have an entire career worth of frozen protein and cells. A lab will also have gas-burners that create a sterile zone in the air when working with cultures. The fear I had of leaving my stove on at home has now transferred to these objects, and whenever I am the last person to leave the lab and have to close up, I find myself frantically scrambling to check that everything is off. I will check everything, but then have a sudden fear that one thing wasn't turned off or closed properly. I will go check it, then suddenly have to check a burner again, or a fridge, etc...
The worst thing is that if I try to consciously convince myself that I am being irrational, I am flooded with visions of burning down the building by accidentally leaving a flame on, or destroying my PI's entire career by neglecting to shut the -80 freezer - I can practically feel the anger and disapproval of everyone else in these visions. I see these things being turned off, I know I can tell the difference between something this is open and closed, but it seems nothing can make me feel confident that I have left everything as it should be. Even when my routine is done and I go home, all it takes is one random doubtful thought about how I left the lab and I am suddenly crippled by fear and anxiety.
A month and a bit ago, I got up at 3 in the morning and walked 30 minutes to my lab just to make sure a box of enzymes was put away in the freezer. I also got out of a bus two stops from home and walked back because I thought I had left a fridge open in the staff office.
I used to think my behaviour was just a silly idiosyncrasy, but now I feel that my actions have crossed a line that suggests mental illness. I want to go ask a professional, but I don't know how to go about it. I don't want to just go to a doctor and say "Hey I think I have OCD or some anxiety disorder please diagnose me".
Does anyone else think there is something wrong with me? I conceal my behaviour so well that others probably think I am normal. If other people who were less biased and prone to over-thinking things agreed with me I might feel more confident to go see a professional without worrying about coming off as a hypochondriac. Right now I am worried I have just constructed my supposed mental illness as a way of making sense of something that feels out of order in my life.
Any opinions from those who have been diagnosed are greatly appreciated!
