• Quote of the Day
    "I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence but it comes from within. It is there all the time."
    Anna Freud, posted by Daniel

braveheart

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Therapy this afternoon...

Uhhhh......I felt so crappy.....my therapist has a cold...so this triggered in me wanting to look after her and protect her from my feelings of wanting to be loved and looked after and comforted...... that old "I have to be little to be loved" misconception.... then my littles feel like they shouldn't exist and then it gets messy and I get resentful and start to feel like I belong nowhere....but that is a feeling, of not belonging, that I needed to cry about and it did help to cry..

Then there's the shame....I'm more than this Borderline part(my teen part is the Borderline one, I feel)...but I cannot deny that it exists for a reason....and not to abandon it again....

I am feeling kind of lost in a maze....it was a really difficult session, really hard....but she said that it is her task to get to know me better, all of me....and so of course that would mean whoever/whatever I present to her.....and that she wants to know that in more depth.....but I want her to be consistently aware of and hold and recognise and feed me back with all my parts.....all my fragments....

And yet this afternoon it felt like what was present was all the symbolic @#%$ and vomit (I went into the session with awful stomach pain, trapped wind, wrenching guts..)at the core, the explosion at the centre of me, that intense need and longing and all the wounding from the emotional neglect and verbal abuse....and so there's a central part to this map? So there's a teen who wants to be a child who wants to be a baby...and there's an adult who just feels kind of lost amidst it all....who certainly doesn't want to be a teenager....not if it means feeling depressed and suicidal and angry and desperately alone...

Because I 'froze' for most of the session....I was almost literally freezing...2 blankets and I still had goose pimples on my arms...but then I didn't wear warm enough clothes...a habit of mine.....And I guess that freezing was very familiar to my teen part....she learnt it well......to ignore herself, go into hiding and not upset mummy and daddy......

I'm not sure who I am now....the pieces of my map have got dislodged again....

I'd appreciate any comments/questions/feedback/support....I'm feeling rather lost....
:confused:
 

^^Phoenix^^

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Mar 28, 2004
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Hi Braveheart
I don't know if you remember me, we chatted a couple of times when you fisrt started using the forum. I can't help you with how your feeling. It sounds like you're being broken so that you can rebuild yourself. Something that probably has to be done alone. But, today, i wanted to remind you that, your nick name suits you. You are seeing someone, and letting yourself be opened up to get to the bottom of things. You are a strong person for wanting to know. I care about you, and I'm sure others do to. Soon you will realise who you are, then, you may forget, then realise again.... it is a journey after all.
Still, as many mental hugs as i can send are coming your way.
Hug yourself to feel them
XX
 

braveheart

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May 8, 2005
Messages
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thank you, Phoenix...

I feel that I've always been broken though.....maybe I'm only now becoming aware of the parts....???
 
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