I threw the medicines away

[texasgirl]

I have been struggling all summer with whether I am a real person anymore or just a walking emptiness who can't seem to leave my house or get dressed most days or feel comfortable being around people. I have diabetes now and I tried to talk about the effect of all the drugs I have been on with my psychiatrist but he still thinks I need them. My kids want their mother back and kept saying we don't know who you are anymore so I threw all my medicines out a couple of weeks ago. Now I don't know whose voice I have or what to do. I spend a lot of time wandering around the house that doesn't feel like my house and trying to be "normal" while everything is just slipping away. I don't miss how the medicines made me feel. I don't feel anything except confused and waiting for me to come back before I die. I think about death a lot and have started to measure how long before it seems likely. I shouldn't be writing this but don't know what else to say.

I don't want any more interference in my brain. Maybe if it is left alone it will be able to function. It doesn't need me messing it up.

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: threw the medicines away

Are you still unable to afford therapy? If so, calling 211 may provide some resources for mental health counseling like from Catholic Family Services.

 

[texasgirl]

Re: threw the medicines away

After Hurricane Ike, we don't have mental health community services available like before. There are no psychiatric beds available either unless you can afford it. I do have a psychiatrist but he doesn't do therapy and I can only see him every 3 months. I don't have a job because I can't really think right like I used to. I wish I had a better response but I don't. My kids confuse me because they want their mother back but I don't know what they mean. They say I sound funny to them (odd funny).

---------- Post added at 10:06 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:05 PM ----------

I will try the 211 number though. I didn't know about such a number.

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: threw the medicines away

I don't have a job because I can't really think right like I used to.

Have you considered applying for Social Security Disability?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I would recommend you think again about trying to go it without any medication at all, TexasGirl. Try giving your psychiatrist a call and ask him to make some changes so you don't feel so drugged out. You might be able to do this with a dfose change or maybe there's a better medication for you.

This may not be a lot of help at the moment, but it's also not a great idea to go off psychotropic medications all at once (cold turkey) like that.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Daniel's idea about applying for disability is also a good one... something else to talk to your psychiatrist about since you will need him to do the paperwork.

 

[texasgirl]

I will talk to him. I was scared he would be mad so I wasn't going to tell him. I didn't think about social security. I will ask him. I just don't want my kids to hate me. They don't like having a crazy mother (their words) and seem to think that my voice sounds better without medications but it doesn't sound like my voice at all/ I am not sure about whose it is because it sounds weird to me. I have to check when I see the dr. next.

 

[forgetmenot]

I am so sorry you are struggling now trying to get you back please call doctor okay he will help you stabilize and feel more like you again. I understand why you did this but it is not safe just worried for you okay stay safe

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm sure he has had other patients who have done similar things, TG. He isn't there to judge you in any case. He's there to help you.

 

[texasgirl]

Thanks yall. I guess I am also just so tired of all the medicines for so many years. I put in a call to him this morning. It is also expensive, especially for 2 of them. I just want so bad to be normal.

 

[Always Changing]

Hi TG,
Just want to let you know that I am listening and I hope something can be worked out for you soon.

:hug:

 

[texasgirl]

I left a message for my psychiatrist but he's out of town. Today is my birthday (and my twin brother's). We had dinner together and it was nice. I think that it is true that I shouldn't have stopped taking all the medicine cold turkey. I think my brain is really confused now. It even feels strange. I will talk to my doctor next week hopefully. I would like to go back to work but I don't know if I can or not.. I want to talk to him about that too. He said last time that it wasn't time. Does anybody else have any ideas about whether I should go back to work?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I left a message for my psychiatrist but he's out of town. Today is my birthday (and my twin brother's). We had dinner together and it was nice. I think that it is true that I shouldn't have stopped taking all the medicine cold turkey. I think my brain is really confused now. It even feels strange. I will talk to my doctor next week hopefully. I would like to go back to work but I don't know if I can or not.. I want to talk to him about that too. He said last time that it wasn't time. Does anybody else have any ideas about whether I should go back to work?

First, :birthday2:


I think you should trust in your doctors, TG. If you go back to work before you are ready, it will only make you feel worse and it may hurt your chances for employment in the future if you have to quit.

Get back on your medication and then talk to your doctor about the possibility of starting part time, perhaps an afternoon a week at first - something like that.

 

[Andy]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!:2thumbs:

 

[forgetmenot]

Happy Birthday TG can you call hosptial and get help getting back on your meds sooner so you don't get anymore unstable confused. Starting back to work is a good goal but it needs to done gradually so you don't fail sometimes it is best to start slowly and work ones way up to it. I hope you get on meds soon take care

 

[texasgirl]

I think you're right about work. I went back too early one time and they had to fly me back home because I was too scared. My doctor suggested maybe volunteer work at first. The women's shelter here needs someone to put together the intake packages for new clients. I emailed the director last night and she will forward me an application. What feels so sad to me is that I don't have the confidence I used to have. I just can't seem to get my mind back. I'm not really depressed I don't think, just confused and can't think. But maybe working part time at the shelter could help. We need money but my husband said not to worry since it will just make things worse. Thank you all for your help.

TG

 

[David Baxter PhD]

What feels so sad to me is that I don't have the confidence I used to have. I just can't seem to get my mind back. I'm not really depressed I don't think, just confused and can't think. But maybe working part time at the shelter could help.

Precisely. You rebuild confidence by doing, with baby steps, things you would have done in the past and taken for granted. Doing one thing at a time in a small way isn't overwhelming, and as time goes on you'll find you can do more and more as your stamina and your confidence returns. Trying to do many things at once at a fast pace, leaping back into the frying pan of your pre-illness mode, will likely set you back to square one or beyond.

 

[texasgirl]

I agree, Dr. Baxter. I emailed the application back and will let yall know next week what happens. I miss coming to talk to yall. Everyone is so nice. Take care,

TG

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Good stuff, TG.

 

[WilliamCollins]

Texagirl, I felt the same way in the past (I felt and I thought some of the same things you descibed in your intro). I stopped taking my meds and hoped for the best. For many months I believed that I was better off without medication. I even saw improvement in myself through an increased level of energy and a new interest in life. However, no one else saw this improvement besides myself. In their eyes I was becoming... out of control. I would argue all the time and say things which made sense to me but not to anyone listening to me. It took time (many sleepless nights, actually) but I now realize that medication is the way to go.

Just try to be honest with yourself. Maybe in the end you`re right and your better off without medication. I don`t know you and I don`t know your life so I can`t really say. Nor do I have the training of a licensed mental health practioner. All I have is my own experiences to help me decide for myself what the best course of action is.