I'm never good enough for my parents

[melii]

So everything i do bothers them! I have made bad mistakes before but i tried learning from them. My parents act like I'm still a little girl. Now they really do hate me! you want to know why? because i brought i boy over the house when they were working. My dad walked in and saw the boy; but me and the boy weren't doing anything at ALL! my dad started saying i was " a hoe", " I'm dirty", " I'm just like every girl". that he gives up on me. He also said i should leave the house, I'm doing him a favor. That through out his life i never did one thing that made him happy. When my mom came she was mad also saying the same thing. Saying i don't have a pretty ending, that to leave the house and that I'm never going to learn. This isn't the first time i got caught bring a boy over when they're not home but it wasn't like if they saw me do anything with them. We were just hanging out. Now my dad says to act like I'm not his daughter. My parents hate me, are disgusted by me also. things will not be the same. I just feel like running away! :think:

 

[Marcel]

Hi Melii,

It must really have hurt to hear your parents, especially your father, say those horrible things to you. I am not a parent but the only reason I can think for them to express such things is out of fear for you, for your future, for your safety, for your well-being. And not knowing what they *should* say, those words that were said, were what came out of their fear and frustration and uncertainty over how to protect you from the very things they fear. I am in NO way, shape or form suggesting that what was said was acceptable (far from it!!). I am not sure that is the reaction if you "hated" someone though, or didn't care about them. If that were true (ie they hated you), I think your parents would adopt the attitude of I don't care, she can do whatever she wants, it is her life and if I see her heading down a path that might lead to her future unhappiness, oh well - too bad, she'll figure it out for herself eventually. I won't try to warn her (in this case in what I personally see to be a misguided way) of the dangers I see....

Have your friends run into similar confrontations with their parents? Do you know how they resolved them?

 

[moondust]

Hi Melii, I am a parent, I have a daughter that's 19, and two younger sons. I've always had the rule that my daughter couldn't have a boy over if another adult wasn't home, and the same rule applies to the boys for having a girl over. I think that's a rule that most parents have. With that said though, I am so sorry you had to hear the things your parents said to you. Like Marcel said, they probably said those things out of fear of what could happen to you. Can you approach your parents during a calm time, or at least one of them, and let them know how much your feelings were hurt? Sometime people say things when they're upset, that they really don't mean. I'm sure your parents love you very much, I think you should try talking to them.

 

[melii]

thank you guys.
especially for your support.
i hope it passes. . .
But its still hard because they still say bad comments about me especially still my dad. My dad cant even look at my face
I understand i didn't fallow the rules but they made it such a big deal. .
saying I'm useless, I'm starting to hate my home.
I can't even face my dad, to explain to him everything, it's hard. . .
I'm about to be 18 next year I know whats the consequences if i sleep with a boy, which i didn't. . .

 

[Yuray]

I have made bad mistakes before but i tried learning from them.

I understand i didn't fallow the rules but they made it such a big deal

This isn't the first time i got caught bring a boy over when they're not home

I see some conflict here. Your parents have told you not to bring boys over, yet you broke the rules and did it again. What are you learning from your mistakes?

 

[Marcel]

I can't even face my dad, to explain to him everything, it's hard. . .

Hi Melii - have you tried to talk to one or both of your parents before? Do you think it would turn into a shouting match before you would be able to express all you want to say? If so, perhaps writing a note for them to read instead might help? Or if your mother is more approachable, maybe you could talk to her and she could help you write something you could both give to your father to read?

 

[melii]

thanks guys for all your support, it really means alot.
i've talk to my mom and me and her talk, but im still grounded
me and my dad still don't talk at all, i feel like i;ve let him down; which i think what i did wasn't so serious!
i cant even face him

 

[Marcel]

I wonder if it would help to let go of wanting to debate with him how serious this "misbehaviour" was. Since you were grounded, it seems like the jury has made its ruling on this particular incident...and an appeal won't help much at this point (unless maybe to reduce how long you stay grounded?)

What if you tried to focus on how to move forward - brainstorm with your mom how to rebuild and strengthen your relationship with him, with the goal that in the future, when you have differences of opinion, you'll be able to more easily and calmly discuss whatever the issue is. (And avoid having to face being yelled at or having your character attacked again).

Father's Day is coming up soon - is there anything you can think of doing with him that would be neutral (ie not have the potential for arguments) that you would both enjoy? Would it work better if it was a family activity with your mom as well?

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

You mentioned that this is the second time (and Yuray pointed this out) you brought a boy home with no supervision. The first time, your parents may have felt betrayed and disappointed, but they were probably even more upset, and possibly a bit alarmed, that you hadn't learned to change your behaviour and are possibly worried you will continue to bring home boys without their knowledge from this point on. One mistake is understandable, but why would you repeat exactly the same thing and not expect escalated consequences? What would you do if you told someone what you expected of them, and they not only did the opposite of what you said once, but twice? How would you feel about it? How would you react?

I have no children, but even looking after them when I was a nanny was stressful. There were three girls I looked after, and the oldest girl was pretty well behaved but would occasionally do some things that would scare me. I tried to enforce the rules her mother (single mom, their dad was remarried and hundreds of miles away) would lay down, but once in a while that girl would do things that could get herself into trouble and not listen to me. I would never forgive myself if something had happened to any of those girls in my care, because I was very fond of them. So think about how strong a parent's emotions must be when it is their own child.

Perhaps their reaction is stronger than before, because they know you did not take the rule seriously enough and they don't know any other way to express how important that rule is to them. I agree that it was not the best choice of words, definitely! You yourself may not see the 'danger' or seriousness in the situation that they may have some knowledge about, but perhaps don't feel comfortable going into detail about the 'Why.' You never know, perhaps your father knew someone in the family or a friend who had something bad happen to them when they had guests without supervision (sexual assault, unintended pregnancy, breaking or stealing belongings, physical assault -- your parents might have something like this playing through their head when they come home and see you with a boy they know nothing about/never met in their house with their daughter that they want to protect). Is there any reason you cannot visit with these boys you are talking about in a public place, like a food court, restaurant, library, or go for a walk in a public area... This whole thing sounds to me like they want to protect you, and may be over-reacting because of something that they had happen to them. They were your age, once, too, remember.

I remember being 18 and I remember my parents being a lot more strict with me, as I was the oldest and only daughter. I was living under their roof, so had to stick to their rules or there would be consequences. After I moved out, I had plenty of freedom. Perhaps if you want more freedom you could seek information on how much rent, damage deposit, food, utilities, car maintenance, gas, etc you would need to save up for to get your own place and then get a job. It's hard work, but it would be worth it if you want to have your own rules.